


Fool's Gold

by doinganap



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Fluff and Smut, M/M, fashiondesigner!dan, marketingmajor!phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 21:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 53,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8638711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doinganap/pseuds/doinganap
Summary: Fashion designer, or rather fashion student, Dan Howell has just moved to NYC and meets Phil Lester, an aspiring advertising major. Success seems like an easy task but will Dan’s ambition and trips to the other side of the world interrupt his life too much?





	

**Author's Note:**

> so this is for the 2016 phandom big bang! o wow i meant for this fic to be 20k at the most. hah. this is my first pbb and i just have to say this has been an amazing experience. just a big shoutout to my beta, Dawn, who has been so lovely and supportive. also all my love to Sarah who has been checking up on my fic since the beginning and pressed me to keep going even if i thought i didn’t want to. this fic really has taken up a majority of my year and i’m so incredibly proud of it and i just hope you all enjoy <3

 

It was crowded, to say the least.

Dan shouldered through the waves of people, trying to get to the bag carousel. He had only brought two suitcases to America. One for his few clothes he actually wanted to bring into his new life and the other full of photographs, smudged sketchbooks, pin cushions, and thirty-something haphazard pencil nubs. His carry on only held his laptop. It wasn’t a lot to start with but he could always buy new shit. His mum wanted to send all of Dan’s clothes to him but he denied her, saying the shipping would be hell and it wouldn’t even matter. She could burn them for all he cared; not that it would actually happen, they’ll probably just end up in some thrift shop.

His bags slid down the carousel and he tried to gracefully pull them off. They almost collided with the old woman next to him. She rudely flaunted her middle finger in his direction and huffed away with her lime green duffel bag. Dan sighed and headed toward the checkout area, careful not to collide with anymore pissed off Americans and confused foreigners. It was already strange hearing a constant murmur of American accents - it felt like he was in another universe. Dan waited in the short line for the international checkout counters, fiddling with the button on the retractable suitcase handle. Once it was his turn he nervously went over to show his passport and student visa, fumbling a little as the clerk looked them over.

“What school are you going to?” the checkout worker said, trying to make small talk as he processed Dan’s information.

“Um, FIT. The Fashion Institute of Technology?” Dan mumbled, looking at the ground. He stuttered through a few more questions pertaining to his ID and normal non-immigrant procedures. Airport and international processing always made him anxious for no reason. He forced himself not to scan the area for quick exits. Now was not the time to act suspicious, no matter how innocent Dan actually was.

“Nice. A few other students just passed through here. The exit is to the left and down the corridor. Hope you have a nice stay in the United States,” the worker rattled off before motioning for the next person in line to come forward. “Go ahead,” he said, a little impatiently, and Dan nodded and left with a dry throat and a thin smile, almost forgetting his papers on the counter. He made his way to the huge windowed exit and spotted a small cluster of people huddled around a peppy-looking person holding a nicely printed sign saying, “FIT International Students.” He smiled with relief and briskly walked over.

“Hi! Are you…” the sign holder browsed a list on her hand, “Daniel James Howell?”

“Yeah. Just Dan though” he ducked his head.

She stuck out a hand, “Hi, my name is Isa. I’m a rising junior and international student at FIT. I’m originally from Sweden. Here to show you and the other students around and get you all used to New York City.”

“Oh, nice to meet you,” Dan said, shaking her hand for maybe a little longer than comfortable.

“You’re our last arrival so we’ll be heading out soon. Does anyone need to use the restroom? We may be in the car for a while.” Dan looked the group over. It consisted of a beautiful tan (Japanese? Filipino?) boy, a girl with extremely well done makeup, a girl with large eyes and huge corkscrew hair, and Isa. The boy and girl, the one with the best makeup Dan had ever seen, both were wearing stylish outfits that seemed unrumpled by international travel. The girl with corkscrew hair had similar joggers to Dan’s and a cropped sweatshirt, making her more approachable to him than the others.

While they waited for the other boy that went to the bathroom, Dan tried to strike up a conversation with the girl in joggers, “So where are you from?” Dan smiled.

She looked around worriedly, as if he wasn’t talking to her and after realizing he was, she shook her head and stumbled over her words. “Erm--I am...Lana. I am from France. I apologize if--my English is, um, not that--good.” A pink tint rose to her dark cheeks.

“No, no! Your English is great. I’m from England. _Je m'appelle_ Dan,” he winced at his pronunciation, knowing his French class in secondary school failed him.

Lana smiled brightly. “Thank you. Nervous for new school?” she continued with new confidence.

“Yes, definitely. Who isn’t?” Dan laughed.

She nodded eagerly. “ _Oui_.”

“Okay, everyone! We will be heading to the bus now,” Isa smiled big at the group. She immediately started power walking over to a white van. The other boy and girl hung back so Lana and Dan had to shove themselves into the less-than-accommodating backseat. Dan hit his head on the roof of the car with a thump that sent Lana into a spiral of giggles, patting his head. It made the forming bruise hurt more but Lana was just trying to be nice so Dan let her do it.

The drive felt like a lot of traffic and being on the wrong side of the road. It was drizzling a bit and the lights hazily brushed the car windows. Dan felt a bittersweet ache at the back of his throat as he realized this was going to be his new home for the next four or more years of his life.

It took them about a half hour to actually get into the city with Isa babbling about how the next four years of their lives will be the best and all the people at the school are super nice and the professors are nice and everything is _nice_. Dan could almost feel the condescending eye rolls taking place in the seats in front of him. The girl in front of Dan struck up a whispered conversation with the boy and looks of hypothetical disdain spattered onto Dan’s flight-worn sweatpants and Lana’s frayed sleeve ends.

He shrunk in his seat, wondering if this was going to be a repeat of his past schooling experience. Competition was bound to be spread throughout the classes, but Dan did not want people to throw words at him behind his back or to his face. He hoped he would be able to even compare to his new classmates. Dan knew basic sewing and pattern-making but his main strength was in the actual designing of clothes. Would his classmates know years’ worth of knowledge or were they just as clueless as Dan?

With all these thoughts, Dan didn’t realize they had made it to the school’s block. The buildings surrounding them seemed to skyrocket into the clouds and he could even see the Empire State Building watching over the New York City blocks. A few cars honked rudely as the students unloaded their baggage and scurried to the street. Even the seemingly-well-composed boy and girl looked mildly nervous, scanning the black coats and briefcases swarming down the street. A thin drizzle had taken residence on top of the group and Dan patted his hair down, warning it to not curl up.

“So, you guys,” Isa looked at the group enthusiastically, “this will be your new home for this year!” She gestured to the plain building front and started moving quickly towards it. “Co-Ed hall! This is where a lot of the incoming freshmen live for their first year. Of course, your accommodations are already arranged. I believe all of you will be living in two-person rooms. That means you’ll have a community bathroom for your floor but that shouldn’t be too bad, right?” She flashed a blinding smile before stopping in front of the doors. “So this is it. Welcome to the Fashion Institute of Technology.”

Dan followed the small crowd into the lobby. It didn’t feel like that big of a step into his new life. Nothing earth-shattering. He expected to feel some sort of change come over him or an explosion as a welcome, but it was just walking into a fresh-smelling lobby with one or two students floating around. Lana looked up at him, smiling with renewed vigor. Maybe she felt something big.

Isa argued a little bit with the ‘Life Office’ about rooming arrangements and came back to the obviously nervous group, mumbling something about difficult counselors. “So here are your room keys… I thought you guys would be all bunking in a similar area but it seems all of you are on different floors,” Isa frowned. “Cesar, floor three. Sarah, floor five. Lana, six. Dan, nine.”

They all took their keys. Lana immediately clipped hers to a prepared chain attached to her purse. Dan should have thought of that. Isa explained a few more things but Dan had completely blanked as she spoke. A low buzz of anxiety flooded Dan’s ears as he almost inappropriately fondled his new keys. This was actually his new home. _Shit_. **  
**

Before Isa left the group to themselves, she said something about registering ID cards in the morning and then she was off. Dan turned around to smile at the other new students but already Cesar and Sarah were bolting off to the lifts with their suitcases bouncing behind them. Lana had a nervous flush to her cheeks as she looked up at Dan quickly. “So I guess this is our new home.”

Dan inhaled shakily and nodded his head. There was a few quiet and awkward minutes of shuffling into a lift with two flickering lights and grating in the ceiling that seemed mildly ominous before Lana unloaded at floor six. Dan was finally alone. He stared at the ceiling, noticing a crisps bag lodged in a part of the ceiling. Once the the doors opened to the ninth floor, Dan stepped out to be met with some giggling students carrying laundry baskets and rushing into the cramped lift. One of them shot an apologetic glance at Dan as his hair seemed ruffled by the all of the clamoring past his few bags. He smiled back before the doors closed. His key had a small tag that read “Room 906” so he scanned for which way he should look for his room. There were bulletin boards littered with scraps of paper complaining about someone’s loud folk music that played in the dead of night and flyers advertising an anime club and some lost bracelets dangling from a push pin.

Dan headed towards the general area he assumed was his new room, passing the community bathroom, which didn’t seem in too much disarray. The quiet sounds of people moving in their rooms emanated into the hallway. Good to know the walls were basically made of paper. Dan found his room quickly and shoved the key in which was followed by a shout. Oh, that’s right. Through flying to the United States and getting to FIT, Dan forgot all about his roommate. Of course, the school had provided an email to contact her with and she seemed nice enough over the short messages. But what was her name. Dan cringed; he couldn’t even remember. Cam? Callie? Cate? Cassie? Ca-

“Hi! I’m Carlie,” was said as the door flung open, almost hitting Dan in the face. Before him stood a tall girl with frizzy hair and loose torn jeans. She looked like she had just stepped out of some softcore indie movie. She was standing there with her arm sticking out and Dan dropped his bags on the floor, wincing at the loud thump.

“Hi. Dan.”

“I know,” Carlie grinned widely. “So we’re gonna spend the next year together! Exciting!” She made a little shaking gesture with her arms before bursting into laughter and swinging back inside of the room. “Well, come on. There isn’t much but there wasn’t much to expect anyways.”

Dan hauled his recently dropped luggage into the smallish room. Considering he had visited his old friends’ uni dorms this seemed almost luxurious. There were two twin beds pushed against opposite walls and two desks that met in the middle of the back wall. A closet was shoved to one side of the room and, upon closer inspection, there were large storage bins under the beds. It was obvious Carlie had already started to make herself feel at home with a jar of pencils sitting precariously on one of the desks and a colorful quilted comforter thrown messily on a bed. A few posters already dangled from the wall along with artwork Dan didn’t know the names of. All on, presumably, Carlie’s side of the room. It seemed like just enough space for Dan to move around in without his extra long arms or legs getting in the way.

As Carlie started rambling about the next year of their lives as roommates, he started to unpack the small load he had, carefully sticking his Wirrow artwork to the walls and placing his laptop on the desk. Once his clothes had been neatly folded and placed into the drawers under his bed, Dan began to put his sheets on the small mattress. He was able to put two corners into place before both popped off at Dan’s attempt at placing the third. He groaned in frustration and tried again. On his fourth try, Dan flopped onto the bed, completely spent.

“--and you can bring around as many girls or boys, honestly whichever you prefer, it doesn’t matter to me, any time you want just text me before so I can clear out. I’ll do the same, just don’t make it weird. Are you even--” Carlie burst out laughing, finally realizing Dan had given up on his bed sheets. “Need some help?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind,” Dan ducked his head, blushing at his incapacity for bedding and the exertion the failed attempts took.

Together they got the sheets the least bunched up they could possibly be as Carlie was on constant giggle repeat at Dan’s complete inability to put sheets on correctly. At least Carlie seemed nice enough to help.

“Oh, and on your rule about bringing people ‘round, I don’t really have a phone yet. I’m planning on getting one sometime this week,” Dan said sheepishly.

Carlie gave him a quizzical look then broke out into a grin. “Oh yeah, you being from England and all. Tip top. Fish and chips. Care for some tea?” Carlie doubled over laughing at her terrible British accent. “Well, if you need any help adjusting or getting things, I’m your gal. I grew up around this area so I can probably be a big help to you.”

“Thanks,” Dan smiled gratefully. “Speaking of which, I need to go get some sort of comforter. I brought my duvet but I just left the rest at home.” Home. Sort of, not anymore, considering he was living in New York City for at least another four years. It was still a little hard for Dan to wrap his head around it.

“Wait? Were those three bags the only things you came with into your new life? What the fuck? That’s pretty gutsy man,” Carlie scrunched up her face at the thought. “Damn, I’m gonna be migrating back and forth from here to my parents’ apartment for the next three months and you came with three bags!”

Dan chewed the side of his mouth. “Yeah. Baggage is expensive and I left most of my clothes at home. Was just planning on buying supplies here, y’know?”

“I guess. But don’t you get attached to things? Like gifts your friends or family give you? Some random sea shells your first crush gave you? Something? ‘Cuz it seems you only brought five outfits, some questionable Wirrow artwork, and a laptop.”

He shrugged. “Wow, you knew these canvasses were Wirrow’s art, impressive. But I guess I just don’t have that many memories important enough to bring into my new life. Just some sketchbooks. I’ll probably make better memories here anyways.”

“Hardcore, man,” Carlie whispered almost thoughtfully.

Dan hadn’t really thought about it when he left. He brought the things he wouldn’t be able to buy like clothes and his personal laptop. But other than that there was not much he had from his old home that struck deep emotional chords in him. His life had mostly felt bland with half-hearted friends who just liked to party and sometimes forget Dan needed a ride home. Of course he would miss his family, but there wasn’t much he could take to remind himself of them. And he was not going to bring the horrific picture frame holding his twelve-year old haircut, his parents, and his brother standing proudly around him. Some things were meant to be left in England. And it wasn’t like he was not going to return back; just not for a while. What else could he bring? His DVD collection was too large and his parents’ disapproving disposition towards his decision of going to FIT was far too heavy to carry in his luggage.

That night, Dan and Carlie went to the closest furniture store and bought a generic comforter. As Dan fell into a restless sleep, he considered his new home. It struck him that he was in New York City, about to attend the American college he had banked all his hopes and dreams on. That was shocking. After months of applications and preparations he was finally where he wanted to be. But it still had not fully sunken in yet. It felt like a vacation with temporary places and things. Dan hoped that feeling would change.

The next few days were spent traipsing through the few blocks around the school in search of supplies and normal living stuff Dan had not brought. It was mostly just boring errands being run but at least hanging out with Carlie was definitely fun. Dan learned she came to FIT to major in photography and liked wearing loose clothes and braided her hair more often than not. Her parents had moved to New York City from Mexico before she was born and had Americanized her as much as possible, only allowing a few Spanish words into her vocabulary and her middle name, Maria. Carlie swung her body around without abandon but held her back straight and only wore mascara. The scar that tracked its way through her eyebrow was from the time her friend pushed her off a chair right after Carlie had poured milk over said friend’s head.

Dan had gotten most of the daily essentials and had even gotten used to the communal bathroom, which was surprisingly not as horrific as he thought it would be. A few of the fellow freshmen (Dan had yet to get used to the American terms for schooling years but he knew he was a freshman at least), had said hello to him in passing but he had yet to actually make any friends besides Carlie. They still hadn’t made it down to the dining hall that provided their meals, so after four days of eating dry cereal out of the box, Starbucks lunches and fast food dinners, Carlie dragged themselves down to eat actual food.

The hall wasn’t exactly bustling with people considering the first week of school started in two days. A few scattered clumps of people surrounded some tables. Carlie and Dan made use of their dining cards and got some pre-packaged sushi from on of the mini restaurants. Before Dan could protest, Carlie swayed her hips over to a table with, conveniently, two seats unoccupied. Not that Dan didn’t want to make any new friends, but his first interactions with people always proved to be a little more awkward than necessary.

“Hey, can we sit here?” Carlie asked sunnily. After a quick few mutters of ascent, Carlie made eye contact with the obviously hesitant Dan and jerked her head threateningly. Rather than fight with Carlie later, Dan slid into a seat without looking up. Carlie struck up an easy conversation with the group, who turned out to be a mix of years, and tried to get Dan into it but he smiled and shrugged away any attempts at interaction. He knew he shouldn’t be that way but he was tired and could not be bothered with making friends at the moment. He picked at his food until he got a quick tap on the shoulder.

“Not much of a talker, are you?” a boy with pitch black hair softly smirked. The first thing Dan noticed was the boy was British--not that he had pretty blue eyes or nice long legs or anything.

“Honestly, I’m just tired,” Dan said lowly, shifting his body towards the stranger. “I’m sure if I was in a better mood, I could be talking your ears off but--” Dan gestured into the air, trying to express his current state, bringing a small giggle from the boy.

“Well, I can relate. Just the thought of the first week of school is a drain. I love it but--” the boy did the same gesture Dan previously did which made Dan laugh. The blue eyes Dan were definitely not transfixed on examined Dan closer, making a thin blush rise to his cheeks. “I haven’t seen you around. Are you new to the school?”

Dan ducked his head, “Yeah, first year.”

“Major?”

“Fashion design.”

“Seems like everyone is. I’m here for marketing though. Last year for my Masters.”

“Is that the fourth year? I don’t remember.”

“No, fifth,” the boy smiled. “Hopped all the way across the pond to go to school here? Pretty brave of you.”

“Seems like you did it well enough,” Dan shot back quickly, grinning like a fool. He brushed a few curls out of his face, wishing now he had straightened it. “I’m Dan, by the way. Dan Howell.” He almost stuck his hand out to shake the guy’s but they were in such close proximity it would have been silly.

“Phil Lester, at your service,” the boy stuck out his hand. Dan gave a snorted laugh and his hand to Phil. His hand was warm and made Dan’s head buzz a little, but Dan chalked that up to only talking to someone other than Carlie.

Phil scanned the dining hall briefly which gave Dan enough time to check him ou--look at him. He had long legs that ended with dirt smudged Vans and a white graphic t-shirt under a dark green bomber jacket. Phil’s hair was done very similarly to Dan’s but with more blockiness. His facial features all seemed to complement each other, with sharp cheekbones and an oddly shaped nose and what seemed to be a permanent kind smirk, coalescing together to make quite a beautiful face. Dan was pulled out of his thoughts as Phil whispered conspiratorially, “Don’t look now, but I think you have an admirer over there.”

Of course, Dan did a 180° look over his shoulder to his chagrin, but was met with Lana waving over at him. Dan smiled and waved back before turning back to Phil. “Oh, it’s just Lana. We arrived at the school together.”

Phil looked down at his shoes. “Sort of like a boyfriend-girlfriend type thing?”

“Uh--um no, not really. I don’t actually… do… girls.” Dan smacked his forehead with his poor wording, sending Phil into a fit of laughter. “Oi, shut it!” Dan hit Phil playfully on the shoulder and the laughter died down a bit.

“Well that’s, um, good to know,” Phil smirked and peered at Dan through his fringe.

“Is it now?” Dan flirted, moving closer to Phil.

“I mean…” Phil trailed off and smiled small and quiet at Dan.

Dan grinned and nibbled a bit more at his food. Phil was undeniably hot and he seemed nice enough. And it did help that his voice felt like a familiar sound in a sea of American accents. Dan didn’t really mind the attention all that much. There was, however, a nagging in the back of his head. Dan couldn’t really remember if he promised himself he wouldn’t get into any relationships first two-or-so years into school. And was he even considering a relationship with Phil, a guy he had met less than ten minutes ago? It seemed like Phil was interested. Why was he jumping to such conclusions? 

These thoughts didn’t really stop Dan’s chest from tightening up considerably as Phil placed a hand on his shoulder. Or Dan noticing how Phil angled his whole body towards him - paying complete attention to him. Or glancing at the pink sheen coating Phil’s cheeks. And were his eyes multiple colors--?

Dan shook his head as he realized Phil had said something. “Um, excuse me?”

“Oh--um. I was just thinking because you’re new and might need some help around and you’re cute and I don’t know I thought--” Phil rattled off quickly, his hands fumbling with the hem of his t-shirt.

Dan became flushed. “Sorry, I just wasn’t paying attention to what you were saying. Try again?” Dan grimaced at his social ineptitude.

Phil’s shoulders relaxed and he said, “Oh, I was just asking for your number…” Phil looked up through his fringe, looking as embarrassed as Dan felt.

“Oh! Of course! Yeah yeah,” Dan rushed. He could feel an even darker shade of red was seeping onto his cheekbones but he didn’t really care. _Phil thought Dan was cute._ Phil handed Dan his phone in relief and Dan took it almost too eagerly. Dan scanned over the pros and cons of Phil having his number quickly as he entered it. It wasn’t such a bad thing. Having someone’s number didn’t exactly equate to wanting to be in a relationship right? It could be purely friendship; no matter how much Dan wanted maybe a little more. He couldn’t put himself into a relationship so early on during the biggest transition of his life. A new school, a new country, a new home, and a new relationship didn’t sound like a good mental health combination. He would just limit himself to three of those items. Dan bit into his cheek as he handed the phone back to its owner. Phil took it and gave another smile. He never seemed to stop giving them.

“Alright, I’m gonna head out for the night,” Phil said, regretfully to Dan. “Have to get back into the swing of things and I only paid for the meal plan, not boarding. Gotta get to my apartment a staggering four blocks away.” Phil bid his goodbyes to the rest of the group before lightly grasping Dan’s wrist and leaning in slightly. “I’ll text you.”

Dan definitely did not check his phone every thirty seconds for the text that came exactly two hours and seventeen minutes after Phil left. He definitely didn’t.

_From Unknown Number (22:10): hey Dan its Phil from the dining hall hope you havent forgotten me yet :3_

“Carliieee? What is the acceptable time to text someone back?” Dan groaned to the lump in the bed across the room.

The comforters on said bed rustled excitedly and Carlie’s head peaked out. “Who is it? Is it the guy you talked to at dinner? Of course it is, I’m the only other person you’ve ever talked to in your life! Oh god, he was cute wasn’t he?”

Dan pressed his lips together trying to suppress his smile. “Maybe. But you don’t know what I do when you leave to the bathroom for five minutes! You don’t know the Dan shenanigans I get up to! She _dan_ igans!”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure unplugging your headphones and listening to music out in the open is a wild time and all but you haven’t talked to anyone,” Carlie rolled her eyes.

“Just answer the question,” Dan said with an undercurrent of an exasperated laugh.

“Um… well this is an exact science, isn’t it?” Carlie mused jokingly. “How much do you want to get into that guy’s pants?”

Dan threw his pillow across the room, muffling Carlie’s raucous laughter. “I don’t--I mean, I--” Dan stuttered. “No one is getting into anyone’s pants, thank you very much! Well, not right now--” Dan cut himself off before he could continue his thoughts. “Phil’s nice. But I’m not looking for a relationship. I just moved to a new country for christ sakes!” Dan sounded a bit like he was trying to convince himself.

“Okay,” Carlie drawled. “Whatever you say. I think seven minutes should do it. Not too eager but he probably will still be near his phone. Seven minutes in heaven. Or hell in your case, considering you look like you’re about to jump your phone.”

Dan inched away from his phone. “Yep. I can totally wait that long.”

_To Phil (22:16): yh i might remember you… ;)_

Carlie booed as he sent the text. “You couldn’t even wait! You’re a lovesick puppy!”

“I barely know him.”

“That’s what makes it so exciting though. Don’t you wanna know him better?” Carlie responded sleepily. She seemed to have a normal sleeping schedule compared to Dan, knocking out almost always at around ten. Dan scrambled for his phone as it vibrated.

_From Phil (22:17): glad to hear it x_

Dan pretended he didn’t stay up another few hours contemplating the kiss tacked onto the end of the text. The small letter felt like something big.

* * *

The first week of school reared its threatening head at Dan way too soon. All of a sudden he was being thrown into essays due in a few days and competitive classmates. It wasn’t exactly an unwelcome distraction though, as being cooped up in the dorm without anything to do was driving him mad. Now he was just cooped up with a moderate amount of coursework to complete.

He hadn’t yet gotten to attend any hands-on classes but his first one was in a few minutes and Dan was almost on fire with excitement. He had made his own clothes once or twice back in England with his grandmother’s broken down sewing machine and although they all turned out sloppy but it was exhilarating to hold clothing specifically made all by himself and to his refined tastes.

Dan walked into the classroom for his class, quickly taking in his surroundings. Instead of the average lecture halls he had gotten accustomed to, it seemed like a rather large workshop, complete with long tables and sewing machines lining the walls. There were several huge cabinets probably housing millions of pins and needles and threads and anything else Dan could dream up. He slung his bag down next to a stool and sat straight in it. He was about five minutes early and his fellow freshmen were slowly filtering through the door.

A thin buzz was pressed against Dan’s thigh and he quickly pulled out his phone.

_From Phil (10:26): having a good first week of school?_

_To Phil (10:26): hectic :3 but its all good_

_From Phil (10:27): at least youre not drowning in the heavy senior year work! going insane here_

_To Phil (10:27): lol good luck with that im basically just gliding thru my classes haha_

_From Phil (10:27): not fair >:(_

Dan stifled a giggle but was pulled out of his thoughts by a body sliding into the stool next to him. His shoulders tensed then immediately relaxed once he saw it was none other than Lana. Dan offered a quick smile to her and turned back to his phone.

_To Phil (10:28): of course its fair im the new student u should be able to handle it_

_From Phil (10:28): hmph. well what’s your next class_

_To Phil (10:28): i forget her name its french or something_

_From Phil (10:28): yikes u might have beaulieu shes a bit rough_

A sharp cough resounded throughout the workshop, causing a wave of students’ heads to swivel towards the noise. A woman of small but firm stature hovered at the front of the room. She had hundreds of braids cascading around her face and a flowing green silk wrap hanging from her narrow shoulders. Her piercing eyes scanned the room and her thick wedges started clicking down the aisles created by the desks. A few students seemed to pale at her gaze.

“Hello. Welcome to Garment Making 101. I am Professor Beaulieu. You can call me Professor B because it seems most Americans can’t seem to wrap their heads around French pronunciation. No matter, it’s not your fault,” the professor cracked a small smile. “Now before you ask if I’m from France, let me point out my obviously not-French accent. I am from New Orleans, born and raised. I do speak French though, but if I ever speak it in class it is usually obscenities that stem from frustration.” Her prompt and almost cutting nature gained the respect of the class immediately. Beaulieu clapped her hands together, “Okay, we will be testing just your knowledge today so I know where to start. If you can, make a simple pattern for a shirt. It can have sleeves or not--I don’t really care. For those of you who do not know how to make a pattern, that is fine, just get some sketch paper and prove to me you can make a decent line. Raid the closets if you need to - I’ll be walking around seeing how well you guys do. You have about two hours”

The air was impregnated with ambition and the suddenly desperate need for the students to prove themselves to Beaulieu. Some tentatively moved towards the storage cabinets, starting to sift through supplies. The rest of the class started to catch on and soon there was a stampede heading to the cabinets.

About three of the students hung their head in shame and got out sketchpads and pencils. Beaulieu came to them fairly quickly and left them with a glow of renewed confidence. Lana was one of the students that didn’t want to make a pattern. Once the professor approached her, she started speaking in French excitedly, garnering an equally enthusiastic response from the professor. They chatted for a while before Beaulieu turned to chastise someone at their flawed technique.

Beaulieu didn’t seem that bad, Dan observed. He had hung back from the crowd scrambling for supplies, not even willing to try to fight the sea of students. Dan, having already made a few articles of clothing, knew enough about pattern making to know he had more than enough time to complete the task. The ones that were struggling for random supplies seemed at a loss but didn’t want to give up and resort to sketching just yet.

Once the crowd had thinned out, Dan got the items he needed and set to work. He got lost in the long curved strokes of the pencil against the thick paper he had decided to use. Dan decided if he was going to make a pattern he may as well make one he could keep and use later. He easily measured his waist, hips, shoulders, arms, bust, and length he wanted the garment to be. This was simple for Dan, something he was comfortable with. It was natural.

Beaulieu had come around again to speak to Lana after giving constructive criticism to groaning students but raised her eyebrows in approval once seeing Dan’s correct pattern already cut and laying on the desk in front of him. Lana clapped quietly and smiled widely up at him. Dan inwardly glowed at the almost imperceptible praise. While other students were raking their hair back in frustration, Dan had already finished the small assignment with thirty minutes to spare. He heard Beaulieu yelling in an exasperated tone at another student that wasn’t paying attention and couldn’t seem to grasp the concept that the pattern should be able to make actual clothing. After a week of feeling a little lost in school work and classes that seemed to have much smarter people in them, Dan finally felt as if he belonged in fashion school.

* * *

It was a brisk walk from Central Park back to Dan’s dorm. Most of the leaves had already started to masquerade in scarlets, oranges, browns, and yellows. Dan had taken to making the approximately seventeen minute walk almost everyday to the park and meandering along the paths until he got too cold. The walks were nice to collect his thoughts and procrastinate from his assignments.

It had been about a month and a half since classes had started. Dan enjoyed the college well enough but he hadn’t really mingled with the student population yet. Besides the occasional awkward greeting in the communal bathroom and the few days a week Carlie decided to stop by their room. Carlie had decided to become a social butterfly, leaving Dan to cocoon in his bed. Being the lovely person she was, she constantly asked Dan to come out with her but his slight aversion to social interaction sort of blocked him. Regardless, it was October already and Dan had decided on his walk that he needed to meet more people. Dan called Carlie in hopes she had some party to go to; she usually did.

“Dan, why the hell are you calling me?”

“Nice to talk to you too, Carlie.”

“Ha. Okay but why? Did you impale your ass on a fence? Knock over a sad hot dog stand? Tell me Dan, I am on the edge of my seat.”

“Well, it’s definitely not that exciting.”

“Don’t leave me hanging, Dan,” Carlie whined.

“I just want to go to a party.”

She gasped loudly, “Actual Dan Howell wants to go to a party?!” Carlie giggled. “Have you been abducted?”

“No. I just think I should socialize or something. I haven’t exactly made any friends and it’s been a month. It’s a little embarrassing,” Dan quipped.

“Okay. That’s enough for me! We are gonna have so much fun. We can go to a party that’s happening on Monday. October 19th? I think? And it’s with the group we met at the dining hall so it shouldn’t be too threatening… Is that okay?”

“Monday? Does anyone even realize there are classes the next day?” Dan mumbled to himself.

“You idiot. If you’re so worried about classes I’ll make sure we get home so you can have enough beauty rest,” Carlie teased.

Dan secretly wanted to take her up on that offer but, “No, we can stay out. I’m not an old man.”

“Could’ve fooled me!” Dan could hear Carlie’s grin through the phone. “See you for dinner.” Dan was about to end the call when he heard Carlie say, “Oh! Also since we’ll be going with the people you’ve been vaguely acquainted with that means Phil will be there.”

Carlie ended the call after saying that but Dan knew she had to be smirking on the other side of the line. It had been weeks since Dan had last spoken to Phil. They had texted each other for about a week, constantly verging between friendly banter and flirty conversations, but it fizzled out before anything could happen. Dan was mildly relieved but even more disappointed Phil hadn’t seemed more interested. While he didn’t exactly want a romantic relationship, it was nice to chat with Phil about mundane things and flirting was pretty entertaining, especially when Phil could respond with the same flippant vigor Dan sent. But Phil didn’t seem to want to carry on when Dan evaded every mention of meeting up. Dan didn’t know why he freaked out when Phil wanted to hang out, he just did. He guessed seeing Phil in real life would solidify his some-type-of-feelings for Phil. Not that his constant daydreams of black hair and blue eyes weren’t doing the job enough.

Anyways, Carlie tried to find out what was happening between them and Dan said nothing because it was the truth but she wasn’t having it. Carlie proclaimed Dan and Phil were in a secret relationship on the daily. Honestly, it was a bit monotonous.

It was only Saturday, so Dan was spending another weekend doing nothing. There was rain lightly tapping on the roofs of the buildings around him and Dan, having no social life as of yet, had already completed most of his assignments and essays due the next week so he didn’t have anything to occupy himself with. He was going to update his DailyBooth but that would mean going back to his room and straightening his weather-curled hair for a silly picture he was pretty sure no one would care about. Instead, he kept walking rather than turning in for the day.

The few blocks surrounding the dorms were full of restaurants and stores Dan didn’t really have any business being in, considering his very tight budget. School supplies had taken more than Dan had previously assumed so he sacrificed his recreational spending money for September and October. But October was coming to an end (or at least that’s what Dan tried to tell himself) as he stepped into a thrift shop. He was sure he would be able to get some bargain clothes without spending too much money.

A bell chimed as Dan walked into the almost-empty store. The dim lighting caught the dust floating lazily around the racks of clothing. He smiled at the man behind the cash register and started sifting through the unorganized clothing. It seemed like most of the used clothing was under five dollars which would allow Dan to get at least a few tops. He found a few interesting items and rushed to the dressing room which was concealed by a thin curtain Dan was sure the shopkeeper could see through if he tried hard enough. Before he even tried on the first shirt his fingers slipped through some moth holes and he put it aside with a disappointed sigh. If these were the only kind of clothes Dan could afford, he would be quite unhappy.

He tried on a few more tops that seemed promising, all fairly dark colors, that weren’t as sad as the first moth eaten shirt. Dan had gone through all the tops but one. He quickly slid on the last one. It fell softly on his shoulders and he looked at the smudged mirror and fell in love with the shirt immediately. It was definitely a shirt from the ‘90s, completely made of black sheer fabric. There were black flower appliques trailing down the chest and full length sleeves ending in thin wrist cuffs. The fabric seemed quite cheap and easy to tear but Dan decided if he treated it correctly it would be fine.

He tugged at it and stared at himself nervously. It was quite a statement piece, basically exposing his whole torso through the see-through material. Not only that, but he worried his stomach would stick out too much or his shoulders were too narrow or his arms too lanky. Dan stared at himself in the mirror once more before taking the shirt off and putting on the shirt he came in with, promptly leaving all the clothes in the changing room and paying for the sheer shirt before bolting out of the shop.

His heart shook with excitement. In the rustling plastic bag Dan held something that felt like the new him. It felt like a step towards who he wanted to be. The shirt was meant for a loud, brassy person that didn’t give any fucks about what people thought about them. It was meant for someone looking for a hot fuck and glossy respect in people’s eyes. It screamed confidence and knowing you’re pretty. Dan wanted to be that.

Monday swung around quicker than Dan realized. Before he knew it, he was straightening his hair and wondering what he would be able to wear. A few selections were flung on the bed and Carlie had taken it upon herself to toss the ones she deemed unworthy on the floor.

“Could you not?” Dan asked playfully. “That one’s from All Saints, come on.”

“What in the world is All Saints? I don’t care, the shirt is plain and boring,” Carlie said resolutely.

“Ugh. You pleb. Anyways, why do you even care?”

“It’s your first party! It’s like a cotillion or some shit. A coming out party. It’s gotta be special.”

“Special? Like spilling beer on a nice shirt? No thanks,” Dan snorted.

“But actual people are gonna be there! Don’t you want to impress them?” Carlie’s face lit up in a wicked grin. “Don’t you wanna impress Phil?”

“No!” Dan sputtered. He did.

Carlie sing-songed a, “Whatever you say!” before continuing to throw items of clothing off of Dan’s bed. This was going to be a long night Dan decided.

Dan finished trying to wrangle his hair into a respectable fringe and turned to his bed. Carlie sat criss-crossed gazing at the new shirt Dan had bought a few days ago. She smiled and played with the fabric, not even noticing Dan staring at her. Dan shook his head and said, “I know what you’re thinking and--”

“You’re wearing it! It’s official!” Carlie squealed.

“No! Who do you think I am?” Dan huffed.

“You’re a person who’s going to wear this shirt, that’s who you are,” she retorted.

Dan looked at the shirt still lying slightly rumpled on his sheets. In all honesty, he was nervous. What would people think of him? Or rather, what would Phil think of him? He shook his head again. He shouldn’t give a fuck. Phil didn’t matter. Other people didn’t matter (at least that’s what Dan tried to convince himself of).

After the quick debate he had with himself, Dan got up and put the shirt on. He already had his tightest jeans on and inch-high platform trainers, so the outfit was complete. Dan messed with his hair a little more and glanced at a mirror. He liked the way the top hugged his hips and left a little bit of his torso to the imagination and he liked the way he felt in it, cool and attractive. Carlie whistled in appreciation and in a few minutes they headed out. The party was a few blocks away and they had a pleasant conversation for the most part; excluding Carlie’s urging to find someone to bring back to their dorm later. Dan would never. Not only was their room incredibly messy but it skeeved Dan out to know Carlie would have to come back to a sex-soiled room. Also the walls were very thin - he didn’t want the whole floor to know he got lucky. Carlie had the courtesy not to bring anyone into her bed so Dan decided to return the favor. It just wasn’t going to happen. At least in their room specifically.

The party was already vibrating through the carpeted floor by the time they arrived. The apartment was fairly small for the amount of people in it. The hum of people passing around drinks and laughing at inane drunk jokes permeated the thick air. A few brave souls were dancing with slurred movements in the middle of one room. Most were crashed on the floor or on a surface they could sit on, making it a little difficult to navigate without kicking someone’s thigh accidentally. Dan mumbled apologies as he and Carlie made it to the drinks. She handed him a beer can and took off to find some friends. He vaguely remembered the legal drinking age in America was twenty-one and he, being eighteen years old, could be arrested for it. That wouldn’t be a good combination with his student visa Dan realized as he sipped some more.

A few more minutes of Dan shuffling around trying to find a better spot to pretend to be enjoying the party and avoid people wanting emotional drunk conversations led him to leaning against a wall near the door. Every so often the door would swing open violently so no one wanted to hang around it. Dan was on the periphery of the party which wasn’t exactly as social as he wanted to be but he guessed he just wasn’t tipsy enough. His attention turned to the door as another few people stumbled into the apartment. He caught a flash of impossibly black hair before someone collided on the wall next to Dan.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Phil smirked up at Dan, slouching to be shorter than the eighteen-year old. Phil continued to slide down the wall and land with a soft thump onto the carpet. Phil gazed up at him quizzically. “You have straight hair.”

“Yeah. I don’t like it curly.”

“But it looked so good! I mean you look good now. I’m sure you always look good,” Phil smirked as he rambled.

Dan giggled, “Are you drunk already?”

“Are you drunk enough?” Phil laughed back.

“Apparently not.”

“Well, I’m going to have to change that,” Phil got up quickly, albeit sloppily, and tugged Dan’s hand towards the rest of the party.

“I barely even know you, though!” Dan grinned.

“Well, you wouldn’t answer my very polite texts so we are gonna have to get to know each other another way,” Phil said before Dan relented and let Phil lead him deeper into the apartment. Dan blushed and hoped Phil couldn’t see. It was good to have friends, Dan decided. Especially friends that don’t seem to have any qualms about holding hands. Or skimming his fingers over his knuckles.

Before long, Dan had another beer can in his hand and a tight seat on one of the old couches. It turned out being a grad student was definitely a perk and people would get up for you from their seats without asking. Phil, being a nice friend, offered the small space next to him to Dan, which ended up with their entire sides pressed up together. It wasn’t entirely uncomfortable, not for Dan at least.

“So how’s school going?” Phil turned his body a little, pressing even closer.

“You know… it’s fun, if not a little tiring. I’m doing well in my classes I guess,” Dan leaned a tiny bit into Phil. Physical contact was a friendly thing.

“Well. I heard from secret sources, which may or may not be your roommate, that you’re Beaulieu’s new favorite. Impressive.”

Dan flushed a new shade of pink. “I guess…” He took another sip of his drink, trying to cool himself down a little. Praise was a friendly thing.

“Any success on the relationship front?”

Dan almost choked. “No! I mean I’m not really… looking…”

Phil leaned in, words brushing Dan’s neck, “That’s good to know.”

It didn’t feel exactly like a friendly thing.

The night progressed, Dan and Phil speaking about their favorite musicians and how good green tea KitKats are and moving from England to America. Dan ranted about how fashion was the perfect expression of the self for various reasons and Phil nodded patiently. Phil talked about how he had already gotten offers from multiple companies asking him to join their marketing teams and Dan watched the way Phil’s eyes lit up with the future. A few drinks and loosened inhibitions later, Dan found his long legs slung over Phil’s and almost sitting on his lap. Phil was toying with the hem of Dan’s shirt with one hand and the other rubbing circles into Dan’s waist. Phil moved to whisper into Dan’s ear, “Your shirt is so beautiful,” and Dan glowed.

“Thanks,” Dan bumped their noses together.

“You are welcome,” Phil quirked his eyebrow. Dan nuzzled into Phil’s shoulder, taking in the gentle aftershave that made him lightheaded. He smelled like spearmint and Phil.

It was nice being with him. Phil was so easy to talk to and his hair was so soft. And he was hot. Dan, in his inebriated state, was tired of trying to deny himself enjoying Phil. He pressed his face into the space between Phil’s shoulder and head. Suddenly it felt like there was too much space between them. Dan’s tipsy head couldn’t understand why there was so much air separating him and Phil, way too much for Dan’s taste.

Dan smirked as his lips brushed the soft skin right above the juncture of Phil’s neck and shoulder, happy the space had been temporarily eliminated. Phil seemed to flinch and Dan pulled away an inch or two before he saw the small twitch of a smile in the corner of Phil’s mouth and the imperceptible nod. Dan dove back into the crook of Phil’s neck and smiled against it, content with just the skin-on-skin contact. Phil, apparently, was not and he nudged Dan’s side. Dan got the message and started placing lazy kisses up and down Phil’s neck. He let his eyelashes brush against Phil’s skin and enjoyed the soft sigh when the kisses turned into open-mouthed affairs.

Phil’s hands skimmed Dan’s body like a hummingbird, resting lightly before racing to another area. His movements were quick compared to Dan’s deliberately slow kisses as if he couldn’t get enough of Dan’s heat and fullness. Dan shifted to be seated more firmly on Phil’s lap and laced his arms loosely around Phil’s shoulders. He started making his way up Phil’s neck, pecking softly and settling in the tender space between Phil’s ear and jaw. Dan giggled when he felt the vibration of Phil’s small moan and started fluttering along his jaw.

Dan could kiss Phil’s neck and jaw all day but he guessed it was time to progress. Somewhere in the apartment, a deep bass line kicked up and echoed through Dan’s bones. He slowly brought his hand to Phil’s cheek, pulling away slightly and smiling shyly. Phil smiled back, eyes blown up with expectation and restraint. It all felt hazy to Dan, like a warm tangerine dream. Everything fell softly on Dan’s ears and skin.

Phil’s lips found his like a summer day, easy and safe and casual. Their mouths fell open, letting each other in like a promise. Dan fought a smile back as they continued kissing leisurely. It felt natural.

Soon Phil was pushing back into Dan, taking control and clinging to Dan’s shirt which suddenly felt ludicrously extraneous. Phil licked into Dan’s mouth tantalizingly and in turn Dan pulled Phil closer. Dan was about to move to straddle Phil before he heard a few whoops from another corner of the room. Dan looked over to see Carlie raising a red plastic cup to them and some of her friends nodding dazedly. He didn’t even have it in him to blush but Phil apparently did.

“D’you wanna go back to m’apartment?” Phil’s voice slid smoothly over Dan’s collarbones. Dan nodded almost too enthusiastically and got off Phil’s lap, pulling Phil up with him. Phil gave him a funny look and leant down to peck at his lips. Dan batted Phil away with a small huff and made his way to the door.

Somehow they were able to stumble down the stairs and out into the street. The brisk October wind blew through Dan’s thin shirt and he subconsciously shivered. Phil noticed and immediately took off his jacket and placed it around Dan’s shoulders.

“What are we? Twelve?” Dan rolled his eyes. He secretly loved it though.

“Chivalry doesn’t have an age, babe,” Phil flirted back. Dan bumped his shoulder but succumbed to the unrelenting wind and put on the jacket. It was a little loose around the shoulders and a bit long for his arms and Dan felt safe in it. He glanced at Phil and saw him grinning back at him.

“What?” Dan asked Phil’s sunny face.

“What what?”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Dan laughed.

Phil tugged Dan’s arm around a corner, directing them to his apartment. “You look cozy.”

“Well, I’m not! It’s fucking freezing.”

“It’s only like 45 degrees, drama queen,” Phil stuck his tongue out and stepped closer to Dan, for body warmth of course.

Dan gave Phil a confused look before a look of realization washed over his face. “Ohh. You’re using fahrenheit. Weirdo.”

“You’re in America, Dan! Got to get used to the culture,” Phil nudged Dan. Dan nudged Phil back, giggling when they broke out into a small nudging fight. Soon Dan was almost running away from Phil, full-on laughing and making way too much noise for the time of night. Neon signs’ glow were still visible from a few streets away and the thin darkness coating the pavement made Dan feel alive. Phil caught up to him and Dan danced around Phil’s attempts at catching him. Dan eventually gave in and their limbs tangled together. It felt like childhood and iridescent eyes beaming at him. Dan found himself pinned between a wall and Phil, the cool air wiped away with Phil’s warmth. Dan wanted to bury himself in it. Phil looked at Dan through his light eyelashes and they both couldn’t breathe. “My apartment’s only a few more minutes away, c’mon.”

Dan blinked and was being whisked down the block, forgetting the cold completely with Phil’s fingers threaded through his own. The rest of the walk was a blur of streetlights and Phil’s legs, the feeling of Phil’s skin drowning out his thoughts.

Phil was fumbling for his keys in the dimly lit hallway. Dan bounced on the balls of his feet. The walk and October chill had sobered him up some and nervousness kicked in. What if Phil didn’t want this? What if Dan had been too forward? Didn’t he say he didn’t want a relationship? Was hooking up counted in that? Was Phil counted in that?

Phil finally opened his door. “I can hear you thinking. It’s mind-numbing.”

“No you can’t!” Dan followed Phil through the door.

“Yeah, I can!” Phil turned around and crowded Dan against the wall. “Hi.”

Dan leant forward, touching their foreheads together. “Hi.”

And they were kissing again. But differently. It wasn’t the almost-sleepy kissing from before. It was heated and urgent and rushed. Dan was gripping Phil’s waist, trying to breach the nonexistent space between them. Phil was gasping into Dan’s mouth and running his hands down his chest. Phil mouthed his way to Dan’s neck and Dan keened at the touch. He panted as Phil planted sloppy kisses down his neck, sliding his hand into Phil’s hair. Phil’s teeth grazed a tender piece of skin and Dan would have collapsed if he was not pinned against a wall.

The evidence of Dan’s age soon was pressed against Phil’s thigh as they both tried to find some kind of leverage to increase the friction. Phil was back to kissing Dan needily, taking everything Dan was giving. Dan rolled his hips without abandon, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. Pants and heavy breathing filled up the silence in the apartment, almost spilling over. Phil stepped back, admiring how wrecked Dan looked. Dan looked away, knowing his face was fully flushed and hair starting to form waves.

“You look so beautiful,” Phil almost whispered.

“Says you,” Dan mumbled.

“No. Look at you. You in those jeans. That shirt,” Phil licked his lips. “I had to restrain myself from getting my hands all over you. You have no clue…”

Dan looked up. Phil was standing there, drinking Dan in. All of him. It felt so intimate. Was it possible to feel electricity course through his body from a look? Dan believed it. Not only was he looking at Phil, but Phil was looking back. He was looking back in a way no one had ever looked before. Dan felt beautiful.

Dan reached for Phil, his fingers catching on some of his shirt buttons, and tugged him forward to continue what they had started. Phil grinned against his mouth and cupped his jaw. Dan sighed against Phil’s mouth, closing his eyes and relishing in Phil’s wandering hands. Was a hookup supposed to feel this intimate? Dan felt as if he might be shattering in the best way possible.

Somehow they had found a messy bed with sheets Phil pushed off. The darkness of the room surrounded Dan’s moans and Phil’s pants. Phil leant against the headboard and Dan was straddling his lap, unbuttoning Phil’s shirt quickly. Dan reached the bottom of the shirt and stroked up Phil’s chest, fabric still hanging off Phil’s shoulders. He lightly brushed Phil’s nipples, eliciting a gasp. Dan’s hands continued to roam Phil’s body under his shirt and kissed Phil lightly.

“What do you want, babe?” Phil said, breathless. He looked messy and gorgeous, lips rosy and hair thoroughly rustled, shirt still hanging loosely from his frame.

Dan sat back on Phil’s thighs and bit his lip nervously. He had fooled around with boys before but that wasn’t keeping the white noise of anxiety from lightly buzzing in his ears. Phil noticed Dan’s change in demeanor and rubbed Dan’s thigh comfortingly. Phil looked as if he was about to say something before Dan said, “Can I blow you?”

A deep strangled, “Yes,” made its way out of Phil’s throat before he was back to kissing Dan with renewed vigor. Dan started to grind down on Phil, not caring around the small whimpers he was making. Phil pushed Dan’s chest back and then he was reverently taking off the pretty shirt, exposing what Dan had left to the imagination. Dan arched into Phil’s calloused hands brushing his chest. Phil was biting Dan’s collarbone in a place shirts should cover and Dan silently thanked Phil for being at least slightly discreet.

Dan started kissing down Phil’s chest, almost too delicately for what Dan supposed should be considered a quick hookup. The only light in the room was the faint traffic and car lights peeking through the shades. The dim glow danced along Phil’s skin, knocking Dan’s breath out. He reached the waistband of Phil’s jeans and peppered wet kisses along it, enjoying the taste of his skin. Dan heard a half-hearted, “Stop teasing,” that he giggled at and pulled Phil’s jeans down along with his boxers. Phil was already fairly hard as Dan started stroking him slowly. Phil’s moans encouraged Dan and he started sucking on the tip, already wet with precum. Dan pulled off and licked his lips before starting to bob up and down, his hand working on the base. Phil started cursing and tugging on Dan’s hair, pushing his head down slightly. Taking this as a good sign, Dan took as much as he could into his mouth, ignoring the protest in the back of his throat. He looked up through his lashes to see Phil almost completely undone, panting and watching Dan. Dan pulled back and went down again as he heard broken praise pass Phil’s lips. It wasn’t possible to grin as Dan’s nose touched the curly hairs above his dick but he felt a swell of pride at making Phil feel this way. He started to bob his head more shallowly as he started to palm himself through his tight jeans, his back arching slightly at the small touch. Phil saw and squeezed Dan’s arm. “Let me take care of you after this.”

Almost all of the blood in Dan’s head rushed between his hips at the thought, as he withdrew his hand and started rolling his hips onto the bed. He deepthroated Phil a few more times before warmth was spilling into Dan’s throat and he swallowed without a second thought. Phil let out obscene noises as Dan continued to work Phil through his orgasm and Dan had to grip Phil’s thighs to keep from touching himself. When Phil was done, Dan sat up and stared into Phil’s glazed eyes, licking his lips subconsciously.

Phil spread his legs a bit farther, motioning for Dan to sit in between them. Dan complied and lined his back up with Phil’s chest. He gasped loudly as Phil started palming him immediately. Dan shimmied off his jeans and pants with Phil’s help. Phil started stroking Dan with firm quick strokes, Dan whining at the contact. Phil nibbled at the back of his neck and Dan whimpered something about not being able to last. Phil shushed him and continued his ministrations with Dan writhing between his legs. In a few minutes Dan was lolling his head back onto Phil’s shoulder and moaning Phil’s name as white streaks striped up his stomach.

Phil kissed Dan’s ear before leaning over and grabbing a few tissues, lying Dan down on the bed and cleaning him up. He pulled the discarded sheets over the both of them. Dan’s eyelids felt heavy and he felt a warm arm wrapping around his waist. He smiled sleepily, energy completely drained, and snuggled back into Phil.

He heard a mumbled, “Stay,” before he drifted off.

* * *

Dan awoke to the bright outline of shades on twisted white sheets and breathing in his hair. It was warm and his mind was fuzzy with a hangover he knew he was going to regret so he nuzzled back into the breathing. Then he froze. That was Phil. Behind him. Sleeping. Dan tried to stay still as he worked out what had happened. His memories cleared up and Dan winced at how desperate he’d been, how they had both been.

The problem wasn’t that Dan had messily hooked up with Phil. He decided fucking wasn’t completely off the table, relationship-wise. The problem was that Phil’s arm was draped over Dan’s waist and Dan enjoyed it. He enjoyed it too much. Dan’s chest hurt a little bit as he realized he may have been more attached to Phil than he was letting on. The comforting weight of Phil’s arm alarmed Dan but also made him want to stay next to Phil for the rest of the day. That was a problem.

No relationships. Dan didn’t need that added stress to his life, he reasoned. His past relationships had always made him feel like he had to go the extra mile in all the wrong ways. He didn’t enjoy his time as much because he was trying to be perfect for a person that wasn’t trying to be perfect for him. And he had just started school in the middle of a huge city in a foreign country. No relationships.

But Phil’s body was warm and his bed was soft and Dan didn’t want to leave. He had to though. Dan removed Phil’s arm, frowning at the cool air that hit his naked body. He heard Phil grunt slightly and Dan collected his clothes quickly, wanting to get out of the apartment as soon as possible. No relationships.

Dan faltered, looking back at Phil as he put his jeans back on. He pressed his lips together and searched for his wisp of a shirt. He found it crumpled at the foot of the bed, wrinkled and very see-through. He regretted the outfit choice, even if he felt amazing in it last night. His head pounded as he slid on the revealing top. It was October, what was he thinking? He finally found his last sock and glanced one last time at Phil, realizing he had been watching Dan.

Dan’s ears turned scarlet as he searched for an excuse for why he was leaving early. “Um… classes. You know…” he managed to mumble.

“Oh yeah,” Phil’s eyes were a blue wall Dan couldn’t see past. He wished he could.

“Sorry. Didn’t wanna wake you up,” Dan tried.

“Okay.”

“Well. See you around, I guess,” Dan almost whispered and rubbed his freezing arms.

“You can’t go out like that,” Phil said in a bordering patronizing voice. Dan’s cheeks also turned red. _How was one supposed to end one night stands_ , Dan retorted in his head. “You’ll be freezing. At least grab a sweatshirt or something from my drawers.”

“Oh. Thankssomuch,” Dan’s voice ran.

“Top drawer. Can’t miss it,” Phil returned with a smile.

Dan rolled his eyes at Phil’s small joke as he turned around to get a sweatshirt. As he shuffled through Phil’s impressive collection of hoodies and sweatshirts alike, Dan realized Phil probably had a nice view of his ass. Dan had to restrain himself from swaying his hips. The flirting was over. No relationships.

He pulled on a black hoodie with faded lettering and turned around to face Phil, supplying him with a small smile.

Dan was about to close the door to Phil’s room but whipped around at the last second. “How am I supposed to return your sweatshirt?” Dan asked.

“Guess you’ll just have to see me again,” a smirk played on Phil’s lips. No relationships.

“Maybe,” Dan grinned and shut the door behind himself. He peered around, not really remembering the layout of Phil’s apartment. Well, if it was going to be the last time in Phil’s apartment, Dan thought he could at least spare a goodbye look around. The rest of the apartment was a moderate size for New York City. It was an open concept with a studio-esque twist of all the rooms being in one. The kitchen was connected to the dining space which connected to a living room area, complete with a television and what seemed like millions of video games and movies. The only two rooms with doors were the bedroom and bathroom. There were multiple bookcases covered in memorabilia and quirky knick knacks. A myriad of board games were shoved under a box set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and a Hello Kitty mug. It seemed like half the decorations were product placements for obscure cult classics. Dan nodded in appreciation at the size and decor of the flat. Phil wasn’t living a poor student’s life, it seemed. Probably had a good job. Dan wouldn’t know. He smiled to himself, finding the idea of Phil being able to pay for a nice apartment in the city to be more than alluring. He quieted those thoughts quickly.

Dan hoped Phil would know to lock up after he left. Of course Dan didn’t have a key so he couldn’t do it for Phil. 

* * *

_From Phil (9:26): last night was fun. we should hangout some time_

_To Phil (10:01): was it now? my head hurts too much even if i enjoyed it in the moment xD_

_From Phil (10:04): it was :)_

_From Phil (10:04): so do you want to hangout?_

_To Phil (10:06): like you want to bang again? lol_

_From Phil (10:06): No! Like a date or something_

_To Phil (10:10): I can’t do relationships_

_To Phil (10:11): new life and all + relationship = stress xD_

_From Phil (10:15): it doesn’t have to be a relationship date x3 I’m good with friend dates_

_To Phil (10:16): ok no funny bsns tho_

_From Phil (10:17): wouldn’t dream of it_

_To Phil (10:20): sure you’ve dreamt of it already xD im a wet dream and a half_

_From Phil (10:20): shut up!_

* * *

Dan bounced on the balls of his feet. Phil was late. It had been a few weeks since that night Dan had spent with Phil but the awkwardness between them had dissipated. Once they had decided to go on an official “friend date”, they texted almost constantly. And Dan wasn’t breaking it off. He did feel something towards Phil; he was funny, upbeat, and insightful. Who wouldn’t? Dan relaxed into an easy flow with Phil, not caring too much what he said or what Phil said for that matter. He was just glad to have a friend.

But the “friend date” had turned out to have a lot of complications. It seemed Phil’s schedule was tight. Dan was right, Phil did have a well paying job, especially for still being in school. And Dan’s schoolwork was starting to catch up to him. He was going to more parties and joined Carlie at clubs just to become more acquainted with the student population. Somehow he had gotten some friends and met up with them to study every so often. So both Dan and Phil had not yet met up for their “friend date.”

Dan contemplated the past few weeks and how much he had done. His classes were quite engaging and he enjoyed the coursework thoroughly. He had heard more than once a jealous murmur about how well he was doing, that he was the teacher's pet to all of the teachers. Dan wasn’t too happy with those comments but he brushed them off. He just worked extremely hard, that was all. He loved what he was doing. Even just sewing a simple shirt or conceptualizing a fashion line made him ignite inside.

Dan’s train of thought was interrupted by Phil walking up to him. He looked good, as always. Dan shamelessly observed Phil as he came nearer to Dan. Phil was wearing black jeans and a yellow plaid shirt and on anyone else Dan wouldn’t have given a second glance but Phil looked hot. He usually did.

“Hey,” Phil greeted sunnily.

“Hi,” Dan grinned. He was pretty sure he was already blushing but he couldn’t help it with Phil. He just made Dan feel a little bit like birds were beating their wings against his ribcage.

“Want to go in?” Phil questioned.

“No, Phil. I just want to stay out here and not get a hot cup of coffee,” Dan said sarcastically.

“Well, it _is_ pretty beautiful out,” Phil’s tongue poked out of his teeth. Dan rolled his eyes. They both knew it was pretty terrible weather. The past few weeks had brought in a constant overcast sky and freezing air, making the city buildings seem perpetually grey. Even just waiting for Phil had been difficult; Dan was sure his fingers were almost blue. As they headed into the small coffee shop, a friendly enough place that didn’t really exude a romantic vibe, Dan couldn’t help but grin at the gentle touch to the small of his back. He quickly filed any ideas into the back of his head. No relationships.

While waiting in line to order, Phil started catching Dan up on his past few weeks, rambling about classes and parties he had attended. Dan nodded along and smiled but already knew all of it. They _had_ been talking for the past few weeks after all. But Phil’s enthusiasm seeped into Dan’s veins and he felt a little more invigorated. Phil’s smile spread across his face and hands making strange gestures and Dan couldn’t help but feel connected to the silly anecdotes Phil told. During one dumb story about a squirrel that had bitten Phil’s hand in Central Park, Dan found himself brimming with laughter. Phil was infectious.

“Let me pay,” Phil said as they got to the front of the line. Dan shook his head frantically but Phil was already ordering and nodding at Dan for his order. He mumbled out he would have the same as Phil, though he had no clue what Phil had ordered but that was no matter. His ears tinted red as he found the only open seating was a loveseat hidden in a small nook. Dan had to remind himself this was all friendly. Phil was waiting for their order to be called up, swaying lightly on his feet.

Dan tried to organize his thoughts. He didn’t want a relationship with Phil, even though he was being a complete gentleman with an admittedly cute ass. Even though he had paid for their drinks and was waiting to bring them to Dan. Even though Dan’s throat caught every time Phil threw a smile his way. This was going to be more difficult than Dan imagined.

Dan was broken out of his thoughts when Phil bumped into him while sitting down. Dan shoved himself into his side of the small couch, trying to making room for Phil. Their ankles still touched with Dan’s efforts. Dan decided that was enough space. He grabbed his drink from Phil, trying not to notice their fingers brushing a little longer than normal. Dan didn’t know which one of them caused that.

Phil looked at Dan expectantly. “So, I’ve caught you up on what’s going on in my life. How ‘bout you?”

“Well, I basically knew everything that had happened to you, anyways,” Dan rolled his eyes, trying to come off as nonchalant. “I’m sure you know what’s been happening with me. We talk all the time.”

“Yeah but I like listening to you talk,” Phil said candidly.

Dan would have taken that sarcastically with anyone else, but Phil watched him attentively, waiting for Dan to speak. “I mean…just classes and stuff. I’m coming up with ideas for my runway class. Want to make something related to fire, you know? Not just oranges and yellows, but blues and violets. Those are all part of fire. I think it could be cool if I actually made the line. But it’s all ideas. Never gonna be made, just sketching the designs. Nothing will come of them or anything and even if I did make it, no one would like it and it would be so expensive to make and like it wouldn’t even be worth it, I just like the idea and--”

“I’m sure it would be amazing, Dan,” Phil cut his rambling off. “It’s not a waste of time if you’re really passionate about it.”

“I don’t even know. It could be a mess!” Dan laughed thinly, trying to make light of his oversharing.

Phil leaned in and nudged Dan, smiling. “Don’t second guess the things you want to do, Dan. You’re very talented. People talk about you. You’re doing well in all your classes and that’s basically unheard of, okay? Don’t downplay how good you are at fashion.”

“People talk about me?” Dan asked, mildly panicked. He wondered what they could even say. That he was bad at fashion designing? He didn’t deserve his grades?

Phil grabbed his knee, grounding Dan. “Yeah. They say you’ve got major potential. This school isn’t exactly small. It’s difficult to stand out and you’ve already started to shine in your first three months. It’s incredibly impressive.”

Dan shrugged and smiled down to his hands at the praise. He had heard some people talking about him but he had no clue what about. And Phil sounded deeply sincere. He couldn’t believe people actually thought he had a shot at the fashion industry. Dan felt so gratified his blind leap into FIT hadn’t been for nothing, that his family’s slightly disapproving attitude for his choice wasn’t warranted. A sigh of relief escaped him.

Phil changed the conversation to upcoming movies and Dan followed along, still buzzing from Phil’s compliments. He noticed Phil’s hand still softly touching his knee and shuffled a bit to shake Phil off. Dan regretted it but he didn’t want to advance their new friendship any further. He knew Phil respected this completely but even the small platonic touches overloaded Dan’s mind. He guessed he was at least a little smitten. He wished he wasn’t. If Phil was really being truthful, Dan wanted to continue this successful streak through FIT. A relationship might hinder that, Dan tried to convince himself. But Phil’s ocean eyes and small permanent smirk constantly caught him off guard and he wanted Phil’s arms around him. He stamped that idea down.

Dan pulled himself back into the moment and Phil was talking about the part in Pokemon SoulSilver he was stuck on. Dan smiled gratefully at the distraction and told Phil how to get past it. He had to focus on what was happening, not the imaginary scenarios that played out in his head. Phil probably didn’t even like him back. Dan chastised himself at getting ahead. He and Phil were just being friends. He could do that.

Time passed too quickly, with conversations that should have felt inane but didn’t, and it had gotten dark outside. Their coffee orders had been made again at least three more times and a croissant had been split between the two of them. Dan’s ankle had somehow looped around Phil’s and their thighs were pressed close together. Dan tried not to think much of it.

“So was this a good friend date or what?” Phil joked, as he stood up and held his hand out to Dan. He gave his hand to Phil to pull himself up but quickly withdrew it, not wanting Phil to feel how completely sweaty it had gotten.

“It was an absolute pleasure, Phil,” Dan answered. “Let me at least pay you back for the coffees. I got too many, we both know that.”

Phil shook his head. “Nah, it’s a treat from me for not being able to make our friend date sooner. You can pay next time.”

“There’ll be a next time?” Dan’s voice lilted with excitement.

“Of course. I think we’ve become, like, best friends or something over this very long coffee date,” Phil teased. “This was the most fun I’ve ever had.”

“Oh stop. I’m sure you’ve had funner.”

“First of all, I don’t even think ‘funner’ is a real word. And second, I don’t think I’ve ever had as much fun before because I didn’t have you,” Phil said plainly. One look at Phil’s face showed Dan he was completely serious. It made Dan’s chest constrict in a nice way.

“Well. Then this was the most fun I’ve ever had, too.” Dan was pretty sure he couldn’t smile wider.

Their knuckles skimmed each other as Phil requested walking Dan back to his dorm building. Faint sounds of police sirens and music cascading from apartment windows filled their comfortable silence. The streetlights gave a soft glow to Phil’s skin and he looked so beautiful Dan didn’t even notice the freezing temperature. The walk to his dorm felt similar to their night together but this time they were sober and no one was sleeping over. They stopped in front of Dan’s building, hesitant to say goodbye. Phil gave Dan a quick hug that made Dan’s knees weak and then he was off. Dan watched him stroll around the corner before heading inside, the cold finally getting to him.

Carlie looked up as Dan entered the room. It was a little past eight and Carlie playfully tutted at his lateness. “Have a quick fuck with Phil?”

“No. Nothing of the sort, for your information,” Dan’s neck flushed.

“That blush says differently, my friend,” Carlie howled.

“Nothing happened. We’re just friends, okay? I don’t want any relationships. I’m too busy for one anyways,” Dan sighed.

“Okay,” Carlie said as Dan’s cell vibrated.

_From Phil (20:21): we have to do that again or i’ll die from unhappiness_

_To Phil (20:21): rip your happiness then lol. jk :D ofc we have to_

_From Phil (20:22): cant wait x_

“Sure it’s nothing,” Carlie smirked, watching Dan collapse on his bed to continue his conversation with Phil, smiling widely at his phone.

* * *

Five months didn’t feel like a lot of time. Dan had been so busy with adjusting to New York City and his fast paced classes it didn’t even faze him. Life had been going so quickly Dan was grateful for Phil’s presence. Their friendship had become the strongest relationship Dan ever had. Most of his time had been spent at Phil’s apartment. He’d much rather draw fashion lines while lounging on Phil’s couch than brave the always-frantic working rooms at the dorms.

Dan had excelled in all his classes, of course with the occasional late paper, but with surprisingly good grades. Most of his classmates attributed it to his rare partying (it hadn’t really caught on with Dan) but Dan knew it was because he actually relished in the classes. This was his dream. Pleating or measurements or draping or darts may have seemed like a chore to the rest of Dan’s peers but he found it incredibly gratifying. The small and large aspects of the fashion industry never tired Dan out, at least not emotionally, as the violet crescents under his eyes told another story. He had never thrown himself so much into school before. But every class, every lesson was worth it for Dan. It was rumored Dan was the top of his class. A few professors had even asked him to join their advanced classes next year, including Beaulieu. He felt like he belonged.

His long walks through Central Park had ceased during the blustery winter months but halfway through March, Phil started to join him on his walks. If anyone asked Dan about Phil he would only shrug and smile at the ground. They were close friends, that much Dan knew. Their schedules were so different they barely saw each other. Dan would often be alone in Phil’s apartment, having his own key to let himself in. Dan tried not to think about what that meant.

Since spring had started to warm the ground and air up, Dan and Phil spent most their time together walking around the park. It was easier for both of them. It was time together without much time commitment. The walks usually only lasted an hour or so before one of them had to run off to classes or Phil’s job or some internship Dan had. It was enough time though.

Dan still didn’t know exactly what to think of Phil. He didn’t match his socks and left all his kitchen cabinets open and ate cereal dry at midnight and bit the analog sticks on video game controllers. He comforted Dan when he started questioning all his choices and made sure Dan was eating and gave constructive criticism on Dan’s papers and always could do with an impromptu movie marathon. He was Phil.

Dan on the other hand was repressing his feelings for Phil as much as possible. It wasn’t too difficult. Phil’s friendship meant more to Dan than he could say. Their constant texting and admittedly excessive flirting satiated Dan’s pining almost enough. But Dan couldn’t say he didn’t wake up sweating with the memory of thin hands gripping his thighs and black hair brushing his neck. He was working on repressing that side of his feelings toward Phil. The friendship they had built was full of light and happiness. Dan didn’t want to change that as much as he wanted a relationship. His ‘no relationship’ mantra often fell dead on his ears when Phil was laughing next to him on the couch, but he restrained himself enough.

It was April. Phil was graduating soon. Even if Dan hadn’t noticed the time slide by, it did. And he found himself writing end-of-semester papers in the dent he’d made in Phil’s couch as Phil paced the room, deciding if he was going to stay in New York City.

Dan was reasonably nervous for the decision. He didn’t want to pressure Phil into staying but he was so attached and it was so difficult to picture life in America without him. Phil had already gotten fantastic job offers from London, ones Dan was scared Phil couldn’t pass up. After all, England was Phil’s home. He would have his family there. And the salaries offered for these jobs seemed quite lucrative. Of course there were reasons to stay in New York. Phil rambled out the pros and cons on one of their walks. Dan couldn’t help tossing around the thought of when Phil said, “The people in the city are enough to stay for,” while staring at Dan.

So he was watching Phil pace the apartment instead of actually writing papers due for his final grades of the year. It had already been about an hour since Phil’s restless movement started and Dan was getting bored of it. Not that watching his hot best friend’s pretty figure walk around wasn’t fun but Dan was not getting any work finished. Dan motioned for Phil. Once he came within range, Dan snagged the front of Phil’s shirt and brought him down onto the sofa, Phil spluttering in surprise. Dan knew there was more than enough space to be made for two friends but he didn’t mind their thighs pressed together.

“What is it?” Phil asked, still shocked and amused from the abrupt action.

“You’re a distraction. But a boring one,” Dan said with a sigh. “Stop pacing. I actually have at least four more pages to write.”

“And figuring out if I’m going to stay in New York isn’t a big deal?” Phil mock gasps. “Now can I get back to pacing?”

Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. “I get it’s a big decision. But I’m not gonna let you go.” Realizing the gaping ambiguity of his wording, Dan backtracked, “I meant I’m not letting you go pace.” His face was surely cherry red.

“Sure you did, Dan,” Phil said, his quiet voice not exactly matching his smile “Well. I’m still going to get up and pace. It’s a big decision! Pacing is necessary!”

As Phil got up, Dan threw himself across Phil’s lap and pinning him down, twisting around to give Phil a smug look. “I’m not letting you go.”

“What? You’re just gonna lay on my lap so I don’t go?”

“If that’s what it takes,” Dan sighed dramatically. He leaned over to get his laptop and continued his paper, stomach resting on Phil’s legs. Phil seemed fine with it and started to mull over this decision with Dan’s body crossing his. Dan got through a successful page and a half before Phil started moaning about dead legs. Dan rolled his eyes as he pulled himself off of Phil’s legs and into his original sitting position. Thankfully, Phil didn’t continue his pacing and just stared off into space, sometimes trying to make inconspicuous glances at Dan, which Dan always caught anyways.

It felt easy.

Phil still hadn’t made his decision when graduation rolled around two weeks later. His family didn’t come from England for it. If it hurt Phil, he was quite good at hiding it from Dan. He was the only one attending the graduation ceremony for Phil, which wasn’t exactly a pleasure. A small stadium had been cleared out for the event, a few thousand metal chairs lined neatly on the ground floor for all the graduates to uncomfortably shift around on for a few hours. Dan’s seat was halfway up the stadium, giving him a nice view of many personally decorated graduation caps, ranging from plumes of feathers to crudely duct taped words. Phil said he was going to decorate his to match his friends’ but he never did. Dan couldn’t find him in the crowd.

The arena-type stadium had started to warm up considerably, hoards of spectators milling to their seats. Dan was starting to feel the humidity. He had worn a clean, collarless black button down but the long sleeves were starting to feel like something he would regret.

The heat was difficult to bear by the time the dean of students got up to say the ceremony was going to start in five minutes. Dan noticed an abundance of people were fanning themselves with their complementary programs. At least he wasn’t the only one sweating his tits off.

A few speakers went up to drone about the values of education and how every single one of the students graduating were going to be exemplary citizens and new additions to the work force. Dan couldn’t pay attention as it was so hot. The last speaker was a student. Her voice was chipper and her presence brought a breath of fresh air into the audience. Not that it really mattered to Dan. He felt just about ready to pass out. Only the last few lines of her speech caught Dan’s attention.

“Make sure time counts for you. The universe doesn’t seem to care what you do with your time so make sure you do. Time will not slow down for us, class of 2010. Let’s spend our time wisely.”

Dan zoned out after that. Names were being called as rows of the graduates made their way to the stage for their diplomas. There were so many. After every name was called there would be a spattering of applause like a broken record being played in different parts of the audience. Dan roused himself when he heard names being called with the surnames starting with ‘L.’ He was sure it had been five minutes of ‘L’ names before Phil’s but as soon as he heard it he started whooping loudly. A few more shouts could be heard in the pit of graduates but Dan was basically his only cheerleader in the audience. Dan’s cheeks were blazing and his voice was hoarse after his small show of support for Phil. He couldn’t see Phil’s face but he hoped he was smiling.

Dan may or may not have fallen asleep during the rest of the event. As the excited parents and friends herded out of the seats to find their new graduates, Dan stayed sat in his chair. It wasn’t worth the hassle of trying to fight crowds. The air cooled down considerably once most of the bodies had exited, letting Dan sort out his wavy hair from the humidity. 

_To Phil (15:08): congrats!!!!!!!!!1! u r officially an adult now old man xD_

_From Phil (15:09): thanks u literal baby. where are u_

_To Phil (15:09): didnt wanna fight the crowdz im coming down now meet me outside the entrance_

_From Phil (15:10): im not worth the fight? X_x_

_To Phil (15:12): not in my nice shirt ;)_

Dan scuffed his shoes on the pavement, wondering why it was taking Phil so long. Almost every person had left the premises so no one would really be holding Phil up. Dan waited a few more minutes, realizing he probably should have booked a reservation for a restaurant for lunch. Phil deserved something nice. Dan mentally slapped himself on the forehead. He could have tried a little harder.

Dan squealed as he felt arms wrap around him from behind and spin him around. A familiar laugh vibrated against his back and he smacked the arms around him. “Phil! I could have dropped my phone!” Dan’s voice a few octaves higher from being indignant and caught off guard.

“Is that all you have to say to the graduation boy?” Phil stuck his tongue out.

“Well, I was going to say this whole soppy speech that would make you cry but… maybe not now,” Dan teased. At Phil’s pretend pout, Dan smiled widely and threw his arms around Phil’s neck. He whispered into Phil’s hair, “Congratulations, Phil. You really deserve it.”

“I know I do! I spent five bloody years for it,” Dan could feel the smile shining through his words. Dan pulled back, trailing one of his hands down Phil’s arm and loosely holding his wrist, just because he wanted to. He wanted to do a lot of things. Almost-holding Phil’s hand was definitely the most innocent.

Dan tugged on the tassel hanging off Phil’s cap. “We gotta get you out of this cap and gown. Not that good of a look, if you ask me.”

“Was I asking you, fashion queen Dan Howell?” Phil said obstinately.

“Well, if you’re not gonna do it,” Dan sighed, exasperated. He smirked at the ground and slid off the slippery fabric, purposely following the curve of Phil’s shoulders as he pushed the robe off. Phil was wearing a short sleeved, maroon button down with white hearts littering the shirt. He looked amazing. Dan tried not to blush as he made eye contact with Phil and swiped his cap off, ruffling Phil’s hair in the process. He fixed Phil’s hair, setting the runaway strands into place and noticing Phil’s quickness of breath on his cheek. Dan pulled away quickly. He was never usually _this_ flirty, he guessed he was just feeling brave today.

“Undressing me already, Howell?” Phil quipped. “Thought we might save that for later.” Dan turned away and gave a breathy laugh, hoping Phil didn’t see his completely red face.

“Well for now, we should just get lunch,” Dan said, trying to control his voice. “I didn’t book a place, sorry. I didn’t know what you would want…”

Phil smiled brightly. “That’s fine. I was hoping we could just go back to my place and get some take out.”

Dan sputtered, “But it’s your graduation! We should do something special! It’s not just an ordinary day.”

“Well, I just wanna spend it with you. And there’s the party tonight,” Phil shrugged. “Can we just keep it simple? I’ll get a fancy dinner when I get back to England, okay?”

“Phil,” Dan dragged out the vowel. “Are you sure? The party is hardly going to be high class… I want your graduation to be memorable.” Dan looked at the pavement dejectedly. He felt it wasn’t even fair that Phil was spending the rest of the day with Dan. He had friends that were celebrating too. Phil should be with them.

“Hey,” Phil bumped Dan’s shoulder. “I _really_ want to spend today with you. And it will be memorable. I’ll be with you.” Phil smiled at Dan and started to make his way to his apartment. Dan had to remember how to breathe. Flirting was all fun and good but the sincerity in Phil’s voice scared him. Or rather startled him. Phil wasn’t supposed to feel anything back, right? He shook his thoughts out and caught up to Phil.

“So what do you want? Chinese? One dollar pizza? Burgers? You have all of New York to your disposal,” Dan tried to sound casual.

“I think Chinese would be good. Then after we can play Mario Kart until the party. Is that fine?” Phil looked over at Dan. He nodded quickly and sped up his pace so Phil couldn’t see his face. Phil just acted so easy, so carefree. Dan wanted that.

Once they had arrived his apartment, Phil ordered their food immediately. Dan bit his lip when he realized he’d been over so often that Phil knew exactly what Chinese food he wanted. Phil cleared Dan’s spot on the sofa and Dan automatically sat. Everything about this was instinctive now. The two of them together was second nature. It was the closest thing Dan had to home now. In fact, it was home.

Dan clung to the fact that summer would hopefully mean a dulling of emotions on his side. Distance makes the heart grow more numb. (Dan knew the saying was ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’ but he really didn’t want to contemplate that.)

The buzzer rang and Dan immediately ran to the door, pushing Phil out of the way. He giggled, “Let me at least pay. I’m not desperately poor.” They both knew that was technically false but Phil let him pay the twenty dollars. Phil shook his head and Dan saw the permanent smile that seemed stuck on his face today grow. Dan threw himself next to Phil on the couch and passed him his food. “What is it?”

“Nothing. Just enjoying time with my best friend,” Phil said happily, mouth already half-stuffed with lo mein.

Dan choked. “I’m your best friend?”

“Of course. What else could you be to me? We spend all our spare time together. We have all the same likes and dislikes. We know almost everything about each other. We couldn’t get any closer,” Phil said.

Dan stared at him. “Yeah. I guess we couldn’t get any closer…” Maybe it was a little disappointing Phil said that. He tried to rid himself of that thought. Nothing closer. “You are my best friend, Phil. I’m just surprised you feel the same way. I never really had a best friend before.”

“Well it’s an absolute pleasure to be your first best friend, Dan.” Phil went back to eating, seemingly without a thought in his head. Not that it helped Dan any. Phil’s thoughts and emotions seemed impenetrable sometimes. Dan could never get a full read on him but it seemed Phil could only picture Dan as a friend. Lucky for Dan. No relationships and all.

The day passed hazily for Dan. The two just played Mario Kart until Phil got tired of losing and switched to a movie instead. Sunlight warmly danced around the room all afternoon and it felt simple. Dan didn’t try to think too much when Phil’s hand would brush his for no reason. It didn’t mean anything. Soon enough the sky was burning a sunset away and Phil suggested they head to the party his friend was hosting. Phil changed into a more comfortable shirt and somehow looked even better. His hair had been messed with even more and his skinny jeans seemed a little tighter. When Phil offered Dan a pre-party drink, he knocked it back without thinking. It would be easier to be a little inebriated for a party where he knew no one and where Phil was looking like that.

A chorus of joyous shouts rang out when Phil entered the party and he was quickly lost to Dan. It seemed like Phil knew everyone as he moved through the party and grabbed a beer bottle, occasionally looking back at Dan, who only smiled smally back at Phil.

A few fashion graduates seemed to recognize Dan and pulled him aside. He nodded and gave them fake smiles that they didn’t seem to notice as they drawled about their fashion major experience. They slurred out they remembered him from his DailyBooth pictures and he wanted to escape as soon as possible. There may or may not have been some compromising pictures of him on there. Dan said he was going to get a drink but they pulled him back.

“We see your fashion garment pics. They’re amazing! Can’t believe…a freshman…made them!” one girl laughed out. She was obviously too drunk to realize throwing her arm around Dan wasn’t exactly socially acceptable for strangers.

Another graduate piped up, “Yeah! M’teacher…Beaulieu, she loves you! Won’ stop goin’ on about her star student. Bit crazy, if you as’ me.”

Dan’s hands fidgeted at the drunken compliments. It seemed like everyone had heard about him some way or another. It was a bit overwhelming. Dan escaped the conversation without as much as a goodbye. They didn’t seem to mind. He craned his neck and saw Phil tipping back a different beer than the one he had seen before. So drinking was out of the question if Phil was getting home safely.

After a few painful hours, Dan was starting to warm to the party. The ex-seniors were all very nice and started giving Dan backhanded advice by joking about the professors. They seemed to enjoy Dan’s company. Dan was startled out of the circle of seniors he was in by Phil’s voice calling for him.

He searched only for a short time before someone on the couch grabbed his shirt and pulled Dan into their lap. It was Phil, of course. Dan rolled his eyes. “Phil, you can’t just call me over to have me sit in your lap for no reason.”

“But you like it,” Phil poked Dan’s stomach. Dan grinned and shook his head and Phil perked up after a few moments. “I called you here for another reason though!”

“And what is that?” Dan’s voice caught as Phil gripped his waist tighter and closer to Phil’s torso.

“I’m staying in New York City!” Phil crowed in Dan’s ear. He hugged Dan tightly. “I just decided! I got a good job here ‘nd there are good people ‘nd you.” Phil laughed softly in Dan’s ear. “Don’t wanna go back to England without you!” He sounded like an excited puppy.

Dan leaned into Phil. “You’re drunk. You probably won’t even remember this in the morning. Don’t say those things.” _Don’t get my hopes up._

“But I mean them! Wanna stay with you…” Phil trailed off, nuzzling into Dan’s neck, tightening his embrace.

“Okay, Phil. I believe you,” Dan said, knowing it would be the only way to shut him up.

“You don’t believe me but you’ll see,” Phil smiled into Dan’s shoulder. Dan moved to get off of his lap but Phil weakly grasped at Dan’s hip. “Can you stay? You smell like warm.”

“I guess it couldn’t hurt.”

Dan spent the rest of the party sitting comfortably on Phil’s lap, reminding him of the first party they’d been at. Phil would occasionally yell a ‘congratulations’ to whoever was passing and Dan would bat his shoulder. Other than that they just made simple conversation. It was endlessly amusing to be only slightly buzzed whilst talking to such a smashed Phil. It definitely seemed to Dan that Phil was flirtatious turned to a ten when fully drunk, telling Dan he was beautiful every five minutes.

Somehow Phil had gotten Dan to recite Dan’s favorite monologue from _Romeo and Juliet_ and was laughing his head off making Dan go pink. Dan knew he could have probably shut Phil up with a kiss but he wasn’t drunk enough for that.

The night wore on and around two in the morning Phil wanted to go home. Dan gratefully obliged. He would gladly talk to Phil for the rest of his life but the party had become slow and the same ten songs had been on repeat for the past three hours. Phil seemed to lack the basic motor skills to even stumble out the door so Dan was walking for the both of them. Most of Phil’s weight was pressed into Dan’s side and he wasn’t ashamed to say he was struggling. It didn’t help every few seconds his neck was washed with Phil’s breath that smelled like alcohol and mint.

Dan had hauled Phil all the way to his apartment, which conveniently managed to be in one of the few buildings in the surrounding blocks without a lift, and he was exhausted. The surprising spring warmth and residual humidity from rain made Dan a sweaty mess. He felt fully sober now and Phil’s drunkenness was getting to him. Meanwhile, Phil seemed to be having a grand old time, whispering strings of words that didn’t make any sense and chuckling like he had made some very clever jokes. Occasionally Phil would trip and send Dan wheeling onto the pavement screaming bloody murder, ending with a hair-tousled Dan and Phil’s laughter. Dan’s patience was definitely wearing thin.

Phil seemed to fumble in his pockets even after Dan got his own key out, mumbling about having far too large pockets. Even in his slightly annoyed mood, Dan couldn’t help but find Phil’s ramblings endearing. Dan entered but turned back to see Phil starring in a stupor at the door. He sighed and grabbed Phil’s hand and lead him to his bedroom. Dan didn’t usually go into Phil’s bedroom because he didn’t want to breach into Phil’s space, plus the first time he’d been in there the proceedings weren’t exactly innocent, but he assumed dropping Phil off was innocent enough. It was the least he could do.

Once Dan had disposed of Phil in his bed, he sifted around the flat for some painkillers and a glass of water. It struck him for the second time how at home he was in Phil’s apartment. He moved so easily around and knew where everything was at this point.

Dan made his way to Phil’s room after getting the two things he knew Phil would need in the morning. He was startled to see Phil shirtless but shrugged it away once he heard Phil murmuring about the heat. Phil was sprawled out on the bed, limbs strewn almost artfully across the stark white sheets. His shirt was trailing off the bed, streetlights reflecting off the dull buttons. His hair was ruffled and falling onto his pillow and eyes lazily traced Dan as he crossed the room. It seemed like the perfect moment to take a picture, Phil looking like a ‘50s movie star or something. Dan thought better of it and just placed the painkillers and water on Phil’s bedside table.

“Hey, get out of those jeans. You’ll chaffe or something if you sleep in them,” Dan said.

Phil huffed, “Why don’t _you_ get me out of these jeans. I’m too tired.”

“I’m not gonna do that, Phil,” Dan warned, relaxing when he saw Phil struggling to get his legs out of the tight material. Dan brushed his hair back. “I think I’m going to head back to the dorms now. Have a good night. Probably come check on you tomorrow to make sure you haven’t thrown up on the sheets.”

“Stay.”

Dan’s stomach twisted at the familiarity of the word, the memory of Phil saying it to him on that night in October. “I have to go.”

Two car headlights spun pass the window, illuminating the two as they stared at each other. Phil made a movement that looked like he was going to make Dan stop from leaving but seemed to change his mind and settled back down. “Lock up for me?” Phil smiled weakly.

The night coated Dan’s bare arms as he walked the few blocks back to his room. It felt like a breeze and moments Dan wished he could capture again.

* * *

Without coursework and only a few more weeks allowed in the dorms, Dan found himself walking more and more. Phil joined him some days. But he was now working full time. Dan still didn’t know if Phil was staying in New York City and he decided he didn’t want to press the subject. It could end in too much disappointment for Dan and he just wanted to enjoy his time with Phil. He didn’t know Phil’s decision but they weren’t going to see each other over the summer so their time spent together already bitten with the bittersweet feeling of time running out.

New York City seemed to come more alive as the heat started rolling in waves. More people went to the parks and more strollers were being pushed down the sidewalk and more street performers and vendors took root at more corners and more tourists burst through the city. It felt even more contemporary and it fascinated Dan. It felt new and exciting that this was his home now.

Dan didn’t like to admit it but he had even taken up the American colloquialisms. Pavement was sometimes a sidewalk and crisps were also chips and chips were fries once Phil brought him to a diner. Even though he maintained the mildly posh Brit accent, America had definitely seeped into his veins.

That may have been all for naught though as Dan was leaving for England in a few hours. School housing wasn’t provided throughout the whole summer unfortunately. And of course phone calls hadn’t sustained his clingy mother’s maternal instinct or his father’s insistence on Dan settling into a relationship. His brother Adrian seemed the only family member that was not completely perturbed by Dan’s absence. Their rare Skype calls were usually lighthearted and devoid of uneasiness.

Phil promised they would meet up sometime during their summer. It wasn’t exactly clear if Phil was staying past the summer but Dan would take what he could get. Phil briefly mentioned his parents were going on holiday for at least four weeks of the summer, oblivious to Dan’s pink face. Spending a week or more with Phil alone at his house was something Dan didn’t exactly want to linger on (it hadn’t crossed Dan’s mind that was basically what he had been doing since November).

Dan was all alone in his dorm. Carlie had been kind enough to take the majority of his things to her parents’ apartment so he wouldn’t have to rent out an overpriced storage unit. Carlie was off on vacation somewhere extremely warm and tropical, leaving Dan with the dorm and his thoughts. It felt like as New York City filled up with more people, FIT was emptying out. Only a few full-year students were left and the stragglers like Dan.

Much to the discontent of Dan’s wallet, he had amassed an impressive collection of clothes over the past year. Most were throw away thrift shop shirts and the occasional shorts or trousers, but Dan had to admit one or two or five purchases had costed well over $100. He didn’t even wear most of them. But who could pass up a monochrome floral crop top or a bedazzled hat made from denim? Probably most people, if Dan was honest. An entire two boxes stored at Carlie’s parents’ flat were stuffed with Dan’s clothing.

_From Phil (9:50): heading back to the motherland soon?_

_To Phil (9:51): in about 5 hours_

_From Phil (9:51): i’ll miss u :(_

Dan bit his lip.

_To Phil (9:54): miss u 2_

Once Dan landed in England he wanted to pass out. The airport security and processing left Dan frazzled and apparently it was two in the morning when he caught a glimpse of his mother waiting at the gate. The blinding fluorescent lighting shone off her patent leather purse and his head felt like paint smeared on a canvas by a two year old. Dan shuffled into her open arms and tried to keep his eyes open so he wouldn’t fall asleep upright leaning on his mum’s shoulder.

“Hi, Daniel. Missed you,” his mother cooed softly. “You’ve gotten taller.”

“You’ve gotten shorter,” Dan joked, trying to blink away the dots swimming in front of his eyes. He was quite tired.

“And you cut your hair a bit more? It’s been awhile since Christmas. Still wearing those skinny jeans--”

“Mum, I would love to continue the listing of every physical trait I have,” Dan interrupted, “but I’m about to collapse. Can we get to the car? I need sleep.”

She tutted. “You should have slept on the plane. But okay, let’s get going.”

His immense confusion once he saw the steering wheel on the right side of his family’s car would have been funny if he wasn’t so damn tired.

The next few days was full of adjustments. Adjustments to the time zone. Adjustments to being around his family again. Adjustments to not texting Phil every two seconds. His father noticed his constant fidgeting and joked about millennials always being on their phones. Dan had smiled thinly and wished the phone would vibrate. But he couldn’t text Phil while in England as Phil didn’t have an international plan and he was still in America. Of course the internet was helpful and they found themselves Skyping for hours at a time but it didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t Phil’s apartment.

Of course Dan’s family had been ecstatic at Dan’s return. His mother wouldn’t stop fussing over how thin he had gotten and his father raised his eyebrows at how Dan had grown another inch on him. Adrian was just glad he had another person to play video games with. Even his extended family paid a visit to their house to say hi and enjoy their hospitality. It wasn’t like Dan even saw them once a year but it seemed his New York City experience was alluring enough to travel the hour to Wokingham. He had been bombarded with questions about the places and people and Dan had to explain how people existed the same way in New York, just at a faster pace. Dan seemed to appear alien to them though. He heard his aunt whisper how he seemed to have gained some confidence and how great it was that he stopped slouching as much and that she wished her son would do the same.

The attention wasn’t that gratifying but telling his parents his success at FIT iced the cake well enough. Dan’s mother patted his back and babbled about how proud she was when she heard he was requested to join advanced classes. She joked about how all the fashion advice she had given him over the years had paid off. Dan had to stifle the giggle in the back of his throat because she was wearing an abhorrent salmon skirt with a lime green vest and it was one of the ugliest things he had ever seen. Adrian snorted at the obvious effort Dan was making to not laugh and their mum was quick to smack both of them on the heads. His father, on the other hand, grunted and pressed his lips into a rough smile. Dan guessed it still took some getting used to when your son goes to study fashion instead of something reasonable like law. Dan shuddered at the thought.

The weather was a bit soggier than he remembered. Most of his days were spent scribbling fashion sketches before tearing them out of his notebook and setting them aside. Dan made the occasional tweet that he was missing Phil and power outlets that fit the cords he bought in America. He continued his DailyBooths and Phil commented almost immediately after every post. It was endearing and usually incredibly flirty. Not that Dan minded (even though he should). Carlie took notice of course and would comment something suggestive making Dan roll his eyes. Their communication wasn’t too limited with the internet and they mostly Skyped. Phil would wake up and call Dan on Skype and talk for as long as possible until Phil had to go to work or Dan fell asleep.

“I’m coming to my parents soon,” Phil tossed out during one such call.

Dan shifted from his pile of blankets, more awake at the casual statement. It was late, around three in the morning for Dan and ten at night for Phil. Dan was already in bed, fan whirring against the brown walls in the background. “Really?”

“Yeah. Leaving in two days,” Phil messed with his hair, peering into the camera.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?! That’s so exciting. We’ll be in the same country again!” Dan smiled fairly enthusiastically for how sleepy he was. He missed Phil.

“Well…I didn’t plan to come back so early,” Phil’s pixelated head looked down, playing with the hem of his shirt. “Means I’ll be staying longer but--”

“Wait. You’re going to stay in New York?” Dan’s face lit up even more. “Why?”

Phil huffed out a laugh. “Let a man breathe, Dan. Yeah, I’m coming to England early. And yeah, I’m going to live in New York for a while longer. My job offered me a raise and I don’t really have a serious reason to leave New York City besides my family who I can visit with the money I’m earning. And I was going to only come back to see my parents and sort out my paperwork but now…”

“You’re coming early! That’s great. I’ll get to see you sooner!” Dan smiled brightly, settling back into his blankets. He felt warm all over in the best way.

“Yeah. That may or may not have been the reason I’m coming back,” Phil said nonchalantly. Of course, that didn’t stop the tsunami that churned in Dan’s stomach. Phil was coming to England early. For him.

“Cool,” Dan’s voice broke a bit. Phil’s blurry image smiled back at him and Dan almost reached out towards the screen to touch the simple curve of Phil’s mouth.

“You look like you’re about to pass out Dan and I don’t want you to wake up to a dead laptop. Get some sleep,” Phil said fondly. Dan was the opposite of tired now but he nodded softly anyway and exited out of Skype after a short goodbye.

Once alone with his thoughts and the laptop safely shut, Dan turned and pressed his face into his pillow, squealing. His eyes scrunched together in an unbelieving smile. Phil was coming back early for him. It shouldn’t mean that much and it shouldn’t affect Dan like this but it did. He slowed down his breathing but his smile couldn’t be erased from his face. It didn’t mean anything, Dan tried to convince himself. But it meant the most.

It took exactly three days to cajole Dan’s mother into letting him take a train up to Manchester. Of course she combatted him with the fact he seemed to spend all his time with this mysterious boy. What if he was a boyfriend? Was it proper for a mum to send her barely nineteen year old boy to practically a stranger’s house? And to Manchester? She hadn’t even been yet. Dan sat through her multiple rants against his going to Manchester but once he showed her his paid for ticket and his resolve to go she shut up. The fact that Phil’s parents weren’t going to be around for a while may have evaded the conversation but Dan decided it wouldn’t matter. Dan’s dad allowed him to go with a grunt. It seemed to be the only method of communication his dad felt comfortable using around Dan.

Phil urged Dan to come as soon as possible, to which he obliged. Dan knew it was probably a bad idea to meet Phil after only two days of being able to beat the jetlag but he couldn’t wait. His absence next to Dan was noticeable, if only to himself. The blurs of countryside rushing past the train window seemed to be passing way too slowly for Dan’s taste and his fingers itched with the need to text Phil. It was just him missing his best friend. Nothing more. He hoped.

The station wasn’t too crowded when Dan arrived. The summer humidity seemed to drive most people indoors with their broken fans and non-air conditioned houses. He scanned the few streams of people making their way through the station. Dan adjusted his small backpack. Seemed like he always packed light. His arms felt sticky with the thin sheen of sweat developing on his skin. He craned his neck one more time before sighing and heading towards some benches to sit. Before Dan could take two steps he felt two arms wrap tightly around him. He spun around and found himself face to face with a smiling Phil.

“Hi, stranger,” Dan giggled. Phil’s arms were still around him. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven seconds and he extracted himself from Phil. His excuse in his head was the heat.

“Hi,” Phil bit his lip. “Missed you loads. Did you know I forgot how lonely my apartment is without my own personal squatter?”

Dan pressed his lips together. “Shut up, yeah?” His eyes traced Phil’s cheekbones, neck, shoulders, hands. Time apart made Phil look even better. Dan decided not to chase those thoughts away.

“So you ready to experience Manchester?” Phil smirked.

“Is there much to experience?” Dan teased.

“There is if you have a smart and handsome tour guide,” Phil smiled, playfully grabbing Dan’s waist. It seemed like the ocean away from Phil’s apartment smudged their boundaries too, but honestly, Dan didn’t mind too much.

“We’ll see about that,” Dan grinned as Phil called a taxi. “So what _are_ we gonna do?”

“Well maybe I want it to be a surprise,” Phil said.

“Well maybe I don’t,” Dan jutted his hip out, almost shaking Phil’s hand off his waist.

“Okay, okay,” Phil said, infinitesimally tightening his grip on Dan’s waist. Dan blushed a little. “We are going to the Apple store first because my house is about thirty minutes out and I want us to post on DailyBooth--”

“Camera whore.”

“--and then we will go to Starbucks for lunch--”

“How corporate.”

“--go to the Manchester Eye and finish off at a special surprise place for dinner.”

“Sounds nice, Phil,” Dan said without a hint of sarcasm. He leaned into Phil as the taxi pulled up before detaching himself and slipping into the car. Once properly seated, Phil’s ankle tugged at Dan’s before looping around it. Dan fought a smile. Long legs and all, Phil was just making room. Dan knew that was a blatant lie to himself but otherwise he might blow the roof off the taxi.

There were far too many people at the Apple store for Dan’s liking. They had to wait in a queue to even take a look at the new Macs. It didn’t help that Phil was toying with the hem of Dan’s shirt at his hip. Smudged boundaries indeed.

The line slowly disappeared in front of them and tried to take a decent picture together. Phil was looking stunning, wearing an aquamarine plaid shirt that brightened his eyes tenfold. Dan felt a little self conscious of his maroon flannel over his graphic t-shirt and complained about every picture they took. It seemed like forever knowing there was a bunch of people waiting to use the computer after them, watching Dan making silly poses and Phil pouting at the camera, but they eventually took a picture Dan wasn’t completely opposed to. Phil let Dan post the picture on his DailyBooth instead because he was sure it was going to take too long to take another good one.

Once that small escapade had worn itself out, they made their way to Starbucks. Phil ordered and paid for Dan. They had the same order as usual.

The sun was still blazing down on the city after exiting Starbucks. Dan found the heat a little too oppressive and took off his flannel to the joking wolf whistles from Phil. Dan found himself falling into this excessively flirtatious dynamic with Phil too easily. His already smooth conversations were now enhanced with not-so-casual touches and fiery compliments. Dan would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy it. The summertime lightened Dan’s shoulders and he knew the pulling towards Phil in his chest was maybe a bit more than a crush. But he didn’t want to stop it.

The queue for the Manchester Eye seemed to last forever. Time didn’t seem to be an issue though. It was like the world slowed down for the two of them. A breeze had picked up and the two boys tried to hold down their hair before teasing each other for looking stupid. Sunlight chalked itself onto the pavement and glazed shiny building windows. It almost felt like a perfect daydream. And was Phil holding Dan’s hand? He felt reassuring fingers tangled in his but didn’t want to look down and have the dream disappear.

Dan felt bubbly as they got into the carriage that would take them into the sky. Alone and rising into the air, Dan felt like they were in a bubble. They couldn’t be touched by responsibilities or circumstances or time. Phil was peering out into the city, a wild smile lighting him up, lighting Dan up. The sunset streaked pinks and oranges through the fairytale clouds and Phil’s hair.

So it didn’t seem like a big deal when Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. It didn’t seem a big deal when Dan turned to face Phil. The sun was caught in Dan’s eyes and Phil couldn’t look away. He was almost Phil’s height now, Dan sort of wished he could stay this height forever. He didn’t have to bend over to nuzzle into Phil’s neck. He didn’t have to straighten his back to nose his way up Phil’s cheek. He barely had to reach up to cup Phil’s jaw. Dan only tilted his head to press his lips against Phil’s. It didn’t seem like a big deal.

And Phil kissed back. It was soft; a secret they could keep tied in a ribbon. But Dan wanted something messy and loud and available for the world to see. So he pushed Phil gently to the wall, splaying his hand across Phil’s chest. The kiss became less innocent as Phil nipped at Dan’s lips and Dan sighed Phil’s name breathily into the carriage air. It became less innocent as Dan dug his fingers into Phil’s shoulders. It became less innocent when Phil’s hands started dancing under Dan’s shirt. Somehow Dan was now pressed into the glass wall of the carriage. The feeling of Phil’s lips rushed through his body at the speed of sound, buzzing up his arms and through his fingers, in his ears and twisting through his legs. He felt lightheaded in the best way.

Phil pulled away when they felt the wheel stop, letting out passengers. They had to get off soon. Dan tilted his head back onto the glass and managed to regulate his breathing. He looked at Phil who had guarded eyes. The only sign Phil had been kissing anyone was his slightly pigmented lips. As the wheel turned a bit more to let out the next carriages, they swayed to the abrupt stopping and moving. It felt like the bubble was thinning and Dan didn’t want it to pop.

When safely on solid ground again, Phil tangled his hand in Dan’s. Dan smiled down at the ground as Phil lead him to their next destination.

“Where are we going now?” Dan whispered into Phil’s ear when they stopped at a crosswalk. They were still holding hands and the feeling settled nicely in Dan’s chest.

“A surprise!” Phil said before launching them both into the street once the light signaled they could walk.

The humidity had calmed down some, still leaving Dan’s hair in waves. Shadows were stretching their backs onto the streets and up building walls. Dan watched the light dappling Phil’s shirt. His shoulders were painted strong and wide and curved deliciously, making Dan want to run his hands along the small of Phil’s back. The frantic fluttering of Dan’s heart hadn’t died down with the heat. The kisses Phil gave him were still sitting softly on Dan’s lips, and he licked them at the thought. What did this make them? Were they even going to talk about the kiss? The stint in England was leaving Dan with emotions he hadn’t even properly acknowledged in America.

He wasn’t pushing away Phil’s hand or the thoughts of wanting to lay tangled next to him and talk for hours. It felt like this wasn’t real in a way. Like their real lives had paused in the summer, in England, and they could do anything they pleased. It made Dan’s heart race even more.

Phil found their way to the mysterious location within twenty minutes. It was a fairly tall building and Dan shied at the nice button downs the lift attendants were wearing. Phil asked for the twenty third floor. Dan shifted back and forth on his feet, wondering what they were doing in such a fancy place. Phil just looked at him and smiled, squeezing his hand a bit in reassurance. It seemed like a fancy establishment and Dan felt a little inadequate in his casual clothes and on top of that, he still had no clue where they were.

Once they were at their floor, Phil lead Dan out grinning. Dan was hit with the absolutely breathtaking view. The floor to ceiling windows let viewers peer out over the city. The sun was dipping low on the horizon and purples and blues were infiltrating the clouds. Manchester was starting to light up, buildings flipping switches to illuminate themselves. Dan’s eyes were wide.

The floor seemed to be taken up by a restaurant of some sort. There was a sign for it outside of the large room. In the interim, Dan and Phil were standing in an ornate hallway, a queue on an ostentatious red carpet leading to the door to the restaurant.

He turned to see Phil fussing with his bag, pulling out two nicely folded shirts. He noticed Dan staring at him and he said, “Surprise! We are going to eat at one of the coolest bars in all of Manchester. I thought it would be nice to treat you to dinner while looking out on the city. I booked us a table with a nice view and everything.” Dan was beaming. “Well, we actually have to dress nicely to get in so I brought us some of my shirts. We’re still wearing jeans but it should be fine,” Phil continued, holding out a shirt for Dan.

Dan took the shirt and mumbled, “You really didn’t have to do this. It’s amazing but you don’t need to treat me that special. We’ve been friends for a while now, it’s not like a first date that you need to impress me at or anything.” Dan’s cheeks flushed crimson at the thought. This whole day had felt like a first date, if he was being honest.

“Well, I guess I’ve just missed you especially,” Phil said nonchalantly. “Let’s get changed in this bathroom.”

Once finished, Dan looked down at himself. Phil’s shirt hung a little loose around his shoulders and Dan had never seen him wear it before. It still smelled like Phil though, comforting and almost flowery. Phil looked dashing as ever in his new shirt and even held his arm out for Dan playfully. Dan took it with a flourish and a wink, secretly loving the physical intimacy of his arm looped in Phil’s. They were close and it didn’t feel like friendship.

Phil went up to the hostess, informing her that he reserved a table for two. A witty joke about the suggestive nature of the statement caught in Dan’s throat when they entered the main area. It was extremely beautiful, the glass walls overlooking the city. Lines of lights cascaded from the ceiling and the seating was clear circular seats surrounding glass tables. The two of them were directed to a table in a secluded corner of the dining area. Dan’s stomach flipped a bit at the overwhelming height they were at but he didn’t say anything.

A lot of people around them were dressed to the nines but once Dan and Phil had gotten into their easy flow of conversation, Dan didn’t even notice. Their menus displayed some very tantalizing dishes but Dan decided to choose one of the cheaper entrees. He didn’t even look at the cocktail menu. Dan didn’t think he could allow himself to spend that much more and if, God forbid, Phil took the full payment he didn’t want to cost him that much.

A waiter came by to take their orders and Phil looked over at Dan quizzically when he ordered a water. Once the waiter was gone, Phil asked, “Why did you just get water? I want to treat you.”

“It’s expensive. All of it’s too expensive,” Dan said, looking down at his hands in embarrassment. “Remember? I’m a broke student, Phil. Can’t pay too much.”

“But I’m paying,” Phil said warmly. Dan opened his mouth but Phil cut him off before he could start. “I’m paying, Dan. Count it as a thank you for spending a bunch of time with a run down graduate student.”

A cautious, “Phil…”

A begging, “Let me do this for you.”

A soft, “...Okay.”

Dan ordered a margarita when the waiter came back with Phil’s drink.

Their time felt like candlelight. Their conversations like smooth wine. Dan felt a little in love. And although it seemed somewhat silly to be discussing Phil’s obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer whilst sitting next to a group of suits, it felt so quintessential to them. A little bit inappropriate and excessively quirky. A little bit like they had their own world together.

It was three and a half drinks later they decided to leave. They were only pleasantly tipsy, the cocktails being a little more juice than alcohol. Dan looked away when Phil took the bill; mildly embarrassed he wasn’t paying for the second time that day and extremely turned on by Phil taking charge, even if it was just over the cheque. It wasn’t his fault a few drinks made him even more flirty. And in the mood for a fuck.

They took a taxi back to where Phil had parked his car for the day. The sun had officially gone down and the city was slipping into a sleepy rhythm of neon lights and closing shops. Phil let Dan choose the music in the car and he settled on a playlist from his iPod. So what if a lot of the songs were love songs? He was in that mood. It didn’t mean anything. Dan giggled to himself because he knew; of course it meant something.

It turned out Phil was horrific at driving and his fast stops and reckless turns made Dan’s hand clamp to Phil’s arm (and maybe his knee occasionally). The twenty minute drive out of the city felt like a rollercoaster and Dan wanted to get out as soon as possible. His throat was scratched with raucous laughs and terrified screams when Phil somehow came close to driving into a pond. Dan was nothing less than frazzled once they reached Phil’s house, jumping out of the car before he could even unplug his iPod from the auxiliary cord.

He heard Phil giggle, “You okay?”

“Maybe try speeding like that on Formula One, Phil! Not with precious cargo like me,” Dan huffed dramatically, doubling over with laughter.

“And you can drive better?” Phil said in mock offence.

“Yes, in fact,” Dan’s smiled stretched wide. The soft street light lit up his eyes. “So this is casa di Phil?”

“More like casa di Phil’s parents,” Phil rolled his eyes. Phil seemed to have sobered up almost completely on the ride back but Dan was still giggling uncontrollably. Phil unlocked the house’s front door and ushered Dan in. “We’ll get your stuff from my car in the morning.”

“Okay,” Dan said in a loud whisper, laughter threatening to spill over.

“Why in the world are you whispering, Dan?” Phil said fondly, ruffling Dan’s hair. Dan grabbed onto Phil’s hand, keeping it on his head while he shook with giggles. Dan grabbed Phil’s wrist and guided his hand down his cheek and to his jaw before realizing what he was doing a pulling away.

“Shhhh. We’re a secret,” Dan theatrically whispered, swaying his hips a little and lightly bumping into Phil. He smiled through his eyelashes as he moved closer to Phil and rested his hands on Phil’s waist.

“God, Dan,” Phil’s voice sounded pained, still leaning a little into him. “God. Don’t do this.”

Dan traced one of his hands up Phil’s chest and pouted, “Why not?”

“Because you might regret it later. I don’t think you really want me.”

“Why would you think that?” Dan said lowly. Both his hands were now smoothing down Phil’s shoulders.

“You’ve said it before. You don’t want a relationship. I want you but I know you’ll regret it later.” Dan’s breath caught with Phil’s words. Phil wanted him. Phil _wanted_ him.

Dan pecked easily at Phil’s lips. Even the small contact was soft and left Dan breathless. “I want you too.”

Phil’s eyes were big and sad. Dan didn’t want them to be. “Just tell me you don’t want this. I know you don’t. This is just alcohol and us being close and not in New York.”

“Shut up,” Dan breathed against Phil’s lips, barely ghosting over them. “Tell me you wouldn’t be all for this if I wasn’t barely tipsy. Tell me you haven’t been thinking about this. About us. Tell me. I’ll stop.”

“Dan…” it was more of a gasp.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about us,” Dan continued, looping his arms around Phil’s waist and resting his chin on Phil’s shoulder. He whispered into Phil’s neck, “I haven’t been with anyone since. I--it wouldn’t--it wouldn’t have been good enough. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Phil’s voice was strangled. “I can’t stop thinking about you, either.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes.”

And suddenly Phil’s lips were rosebuds opening for Dan. They were blooming together and Dan wasn’t stopping the thunderstorm in his chest. He wasn’t stopping himself from wrinkling Phil’s nice shirt in his hands. He wasn’t stopping himself from moaning against Phil’s mouth after he nipped his lips. He wasn’t stopping himself when they tumbled onto a sofa Phil had managed to maneuver them both onto. He didn’t want to stop himself.

Dan was straddling Phil and kissing him with fervor. He didn’t hold back. His hair was tangled in Phil’s fingers and he bit his lip once Phil started mouthing at his neck. “We have to talk about this later,” was mumbled against his skin and he shut the words up by pulling Phil back to his lips. Dan wasn’t going to let worry ruin the moment. He frantically unbuttoned his shirt, letting out a frustrated noise after he started struggling with one of the buttons. He needed to feel Phil on his skin. He needed evidence this wasn’t a dream. Phil stilled Dan’s hands and started patiently unbuttoning his shirt. The way Phil was staring up at Dan made his face go scarlet. He was looking at him as if Dan was the sun and Phil was the moon. He looked in love.

It felt like Phil was opening up Dan’s chest and painting flowers inside of him. His heart hurt so much as Phil kissed him softly. Their need and lust seemed to take a backseat as Phil’s hands ran up and down Dan’s thighs and Dan peppered kisses down Phil’s neck. It looked like Phil was going to say something to solidify the moment, to crystalize their emotions coursing through their skin into each other. So Dan ruined it as best he could. He screamed inside himself, at himself, for being so afraid to love Phil. But he did and he had to pretend he didn’t. Dan winced inwardly as he ground down on Phil’s hips and moaned, “You’re so hot,” on Phil’s collarbone.

Phil’s hands froze before pressing harder into Dan’s thighs, the pressure trying to make them remember who they were, what they were doing, what they shouldn’t be doing. But they still kissed gently, slow burning passion on hot coals. Dan looked reverently at Phil as he took off his own shirt. Dan desperately grinded down on Phil and Phil reciprocated well enough. It was as if they were in a play, acting as if they weren’t deeply infatuated, in love, with each other. As if they didn’t know almost every facet of each other’s personality. As if this were a quick fuck. As if this moment didn’t weigh anything.

Before long Dan was panting and leaning his forehead on Phil’s. It was overly warm and both were sweating with the promise of release. Phil’s hands were trailing up and around Dan’s torso, taking special care with Dan’s nipples. It was overwhelming and Dan cried out, grinding faster and harder. He wanted this. He needed this. And it was Phil. It was Phil roaming his body and Phil making him feel so good. Dan couldn’t divorce the feeling from Phil. This ecstasy firing up his whole body was Phil. It was Phil.

Dan’s whole body shook as he came. It would have been embarrassing if Phil hadn’t come a few seconds later seeing Dan fall apart. They kissed slowly, lips sticking together and making them want to lean in even more. Dan giggled, still hazy from his high.

“What?” Phil nosed Dan’s cheek.

“We just came in our pants like hormonal teengers,” Dan said smiling wide, eyelashes brushing Phil’s forehead.

“You _are_ a hormonal teenager,” Phil quietly laughed.

“Really. You can shut up at any time,” Dan said fighting a smile and sleep.

“What would be the fun in that?” Phil asked as Dan collapsed even more into his body, the day and his orgasm making him crave sleep. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“Can I…” Dan trailed off, lost in Phil sweeping him off the couch into his arms. “Can I sleep in your bed with you?”

“Okay.”

Somehow Phil managed to stumble to his room without dropping Dan on the floor, who was already half asleep when Phil placed him on the bed. By the time Phil had changed into his pajamas, Dan was already starfishing out on the mattress and Phil didn’t really have the will to push him over. They slept tangled in each other with Dan’s breath gently dusting Phil’s hair.

Dan was spared the extreme embarrassment of waking up next to Phil the next morning. Even though Dan knew Phil was the opposite of a morning person, Phil had escaped their shared bed before ten. He couldn’t help but feel relieved. The next few days were bound to be awkward and an awkward morning after would be a real damper on Dan’s visit.

The trouble was Dan couldn’t bring himself to regret the night before. He couldn’t deny it; he wanted Phil. He’d said those words much last night anyways. But Dan didn’t want a relationship. That was the trouble.

If Dan took a step back and examined his relationship with Phil, the thought of becoming boyfriends wasn’t such a bad idea. But Dan was scared. Phil was his best friend. He didn’t need to lose that if things went south.

Dan sat up and glanced around the room, noting the many band and movie posters, giggling a little at the large _Kill Bill_ -esque Uma Thurman gazing over the room. The morning sunlight was slanting through the partly closed shades and Dan stretched, his back cracking horrifically.

“Ouch. That sounded like it hurt.” **  
**

Dan jumped at the words, realizing Phil had appeared in the doorway with a stack of pancakes and other assorted breakfast items. “God, Phil. You scared me.”

“Sorry for not waking you up,” Phil smiled, setting the tray he was carrying down on the bed. “You looked too soft and tired.”

The corner of Dan’s lips quirked up and he looked down at his fidgeting hands. It was then Dan noticed he was in clean boxers and a t-shirt. Phil must have changed him after he fell asleep. It hadn’t been anything Phil hadn’t seen before and Dan couldn’t help but be grateful Phil changed him out of the messy pants that were sure to give him a rash, but he couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed. Dan mumbled, “Thanks,” before starting to pick at the pancakes.

“No problem. You’re a guest at casa di Phil and that means you will be treated like royalty,” Phil theatrically flourished his arms like a servant.

“Why don’t you make me pancakes back at your actual casa di Phil then?” Dan playfully pointed his fork at Phil in accusation.

“Because you can make them and my mum would kill me if I treated any guests in her house like anything less than the queen herself.”

“Okay,” Dan grinned. Everything felt sweet and normal. Casual and best friends again. “Well, now that I know you make amazing pancakes, you’re gonna have to make more back at home.” Dan’s ears burned with the implications of saying Phil’s apartment was his home but he didn’t say anything to negate it. He was tired of watering down their friendship.

They easily bantered for a few hours, into the afternoon and Phil made a joke about having a three hour breakfast and Dan laughed as he said he hoped they would have more. It was as if the night before didn’t even happen. Until halfway through when Dan was psychoanalyzing why Phil remembered so many animal facts, Phil brushed Dan’s knuckles. It was a simple touch but Dan’s voice broke and stopped talking altogether.

“Dan.”

“Phil.”

“We should talk about last night.”

The lazy butterflies in Dan’s stomach turned into moths eating holes through him. His voice was raspy. “Why?”

“Because it’s not something we can completely ignore. We both know that,” Phil’s eyes caught Dan’s eyes before Dan tore them away.

“Yes we can.” Dan knew he sounded like a child but he couldn’t help it. He leaned against the wall, avoiding Phil’s gaze completely. His voice was heavy with tears he weren’t going to let fall. “We don’t have to talk ‘bout it.”

“We do.”

“Well what do you want me to say?!” Dan burst. Phil was so calm about this. How could he be? Dan felt like his chest had become a clothes dryer and his heart was being tossed around for a spin cycle.

“I need to know how you feel, Dan,” Phil reached out to trace Dan’s wrist and Dan let him. “I know how I feel. I like you, Dan. I really like you. Like a lot. And it’s sort of crazy? I can’t stop thinking about you, really.” A nervous laugh tumbled from Phil’s throat.

Dan watched Phil’s fingers dancing on his wrist and let the words soak in. He abruptly caught Phil’s hand in his and laced them together. “I like you, too.” It was quiet. “But I can’t do this.”

“Why?”

“I’m scared.” It was a nervous, almost frantic, laugh erupted from Dan this time. “I’m young. I’m actually going somewhere at school. People say I have major potential,” Dan looked at the ceiling. “I’m scared.” Again.

Phil was unreadable and careful as he chose his words. “I can help you be less scared. Or we could just forget this all happened. Chalk it up to a drunk hookup that we both weren’t that drunk in.”

Dan sounded strangled as he said, “But I _want_ you.”

“Okay. But I don’t think the whole friends with benefits thing would work out,” Phil joked.

“I don’t want that either,” Dan said, turning to face Phil and smiling weakly. The light fell a little too harshly on Phil and it was difficult to look at him. Dan turned away.

“Then what do you suggest?”

“Can we pretend? Like for the few days I’m here? Pretend we’re together. Have sex and kiss on the days I’m with you? That sounds nice.” Dan said it as a joke but it came out more seriously than he intended. He swallowed.

“If that’s what you want,” Phil said. Dan couldn’t read his tone. “We can pretend this didn’t happen after too. Like this was all a dream. No relationship after this week, yeah? Won’t interrupt your schooling and all.”

Dan pressed his lips together. A little time ‘together’ sounded better than nothing. It sounded like a big mistake also. “Alright. Let’s just do it. Pun intended.”

Phil smirked and tackled Dan. “You’re the worst. Just thought I’d let you know.”

“Shut up, loser, and kiss me,” Dan laughed before being caught off guard with syrupy lips against his. He melted into them, reaching up to grab Phil’s arm. The sheets rustled as the kiss became deeper and Dan pulled away panting. He ran his hands through Phil’s already messy hair, resting at the nape of his neck. “You sure this is okay with you?”

“Yeah,” Phil said flippantly. It fell a little short on Dan’s ears. Phil started kissing down Dan’s throat. “S’long as you’re okay.”

Dan gasped at Phil’s lips printing roses down his neck. “Yes.” It was a breathy and fragile promise.

The next days were bright and lethargic, moving slowly for Dan and Phil in their living daydream. Dan got used to Phil’s arms slung around his waist and pressing into his hipbones. Phil learned to make Dan choke out incomprehensible sweet nothings by biting his thighs. And their casual kisses were butterflies resting hesitantly on cheeks and shoulders before flying off. It was their friendship with all the physically intimate moments of a romantic relationship. Dan didn’t stop to think when pressing his lips to Phil’s cheek when he said something cute. He giggled when Phil exasperatedly came back to his bed with the only bottle of lube he could find. Cherry--from his old antics with his ex. Their first time was slow and Dan had to yell at Phil to be rougher. They laughed and it became everything Dan wanted. Light bruises bloomed onto hips and thighs and Dan didn’t want them to be gone. He could almost forget this was all fake. Or at least a pause in time for them to enjoy all of each other completely without any restraints.

Of course, time caught up with them. That week had passed and somehow the rest of the summer passed. And they pretended it wasn’t awkward. Or at least pretended they didn’t miss running their hands through the other’s hair or holding hands while watching tv shows. Both had returned back to New York City without much ado. Phil back to his apartment and Dan back to a mildly cramped dorm with Carlie.

Dan wasn’t expecting a raucous welcome back to his room but Carlie made sure to have some streamers limply hanging from the empty walls and at least four boxes of cookies to binge on. Dan wondered how Carlie had finagled being roommates again with the housing administrators but he wasn’t complaining. He missed her frizzy coconut hair and full rough laugh.

Getting back into the swing of New York City was much easier than his transition back to England. Dan belonged there now. He resumed his walks through the park and basically living out of Phil’s apartment.

Classes started up again and Dan was faced with even more work. Parties with Carlie and every-so-often Phil declined from twice a week to twice a month. That was fine with him. Getting shit-faced more than once a week wasn’t that pleasant when he had to struggle through classes with hangovers. Dan tried not to fall behind on the new concepts he was learning. Somehow he had ended up in the History of Fashion and had read up on the evolution of shoes. Not particularly interesting. Most of his classes were more advanced than his class year. It was a little embarrassing to be receiving such special attention but extremely flattering as well. Dan couldn’t help but feel a bit proud at how much he had progressed in the past year. Instead of sketching out imaginary fashion lines, he was now encouraged to make a few pieces from them. Beaulieu had been keeping track of Dan and even offered him semi-private tutoring sessions along with a few of her favorites. This meant a few good hours during the week working in silence over ruffles on gowns and hemming asymmetrical skirts with a few other students but Dan wasn’t complaining. Lana had landed in Beaulieu’s favorites as well. It was nice to have a familiar face working alongside him.

The workload that was driving his sophomore year almost kept Dan’s repressed feelings for Phil at bay. Almost. Of course there was a slip up or two or three or six in the following months but it was no matter. It was difficult to slip up anyways with both their schedules. With Dan working on actual mock fashion lines, he only had time to make it to Phil’s apartment and start sewing his next garment. Phil had also shot through the marketing firm he was working for. Already he was directing fairly large projects for important companies. Phil was surprised at his reception into the industry, wasn’t he supposed to be at a desk job for the first few years out of college? But Dan wasn’t shocked at all. He knew Phil was brilliant at marketing; his creativity was evident in everything he did.

But their time spent together was usually nine at night coffees and impromptu pancake sessions. It was rare Dan didn’t spend a night on Phil’s couch. They both agreed it was easier for Dan to get to class from Phil’s apartment but they both knew it was just a pretense for them wanting to be close to each other.

Dan didn’t want to overthink their relationship. So he didn’t. Well, he screamed into a pillow sometimes but other than that he just let their friendship float. He let their Chinese orders melt into their routine and two in the morning cram nights coexist. It was normal and effortless and he let it be.

Days, weeks, and months flew by and suddenly the whole school was packing up for winter break. It felt like time happened too quickly for Dan and he wished it would stop. It barely felt like he had time for his friends or Phil. He loved the intensity of his schooling but it was starting to drag when his usual group of friends left him behind stitching up a jacket with pitying looks. Now that his work flow was starting to slow down, most were leaving to their obscure towns in the middle of America and Dan was left alone in his dorms. Carlie had even left with her family to go to their extended family in California.

Break wasn’t looking exceptionally great when Dan got a call from his mother saying they couldn’t pay for plane tickets for Dan to come back to England. Dan had no time to find a job to pay for his commute to get back to his family so he was left in America. It sort of hurt him a bit when his parents wouldn’t pay for his return trip but he understood well enough. With trying to pay the abundant student loans Dan had acquired from going to school in America and saving for Adrian to go to university, Dan couldn’t blame the Howells for not being made of money. It still hurt though.

“So you’re not going back to England for Christmas?”

It was a drowsy Saturday and Dan was lounged on Phil’s couch as usual. “Yeah. RIP my winter holiday.”

Phil beamed at Dan. “Not exactly. I’m not going back either.”

“Are you fucking serious?” Dan said with a jolt. “You’re staying too?! That’s great! We can have an orphans’ Christmas then.”

“You wanna spend Christmas with me?” Phil asked.

Dan almost thought Phil was joking until he saw Phil’s perplexed gaze. “Of course I want to spend Christmas with you, loser. Who else in the city would I spend it with? All my friends are out of town.”

“So I’m your last choice?” Phil joked.

Dan stood up and spun over to Phil, grabbing his wrists and swinging them playfully. “You’re my _first_ choice, Phil. Always.” Dan didn’t dwell on what he just admitted and instead flung himself back on the couch. “So what do you want to do? We have about a week to plan the perfect Christmas.” Not that it could be anything less than perfect with Phil around.

“I could treat you to a nice dinner? I don’t know. But I know neither of us want to try and cook a turkey or anything,” Phil suggested.

“You are completely right,” Dan said thoughtfully. “But I’m not letting you pay for the whole thing. God, you pay for enough of my takeout already.”

“But I’m not a broke student,” Phil shrugged. “And I just got a huge bonus at work and nothing to do with it. We could go to one of those old fancy restaurants and pretend we are mature and elegant! Or go ice skating at the park! I’ve not done that yet in my five years here. That would be great.”

“You’re not paying--”

“Yeah. I am. So shut it and let me do something nice for you,” Phil smiled. “It’s fricking freezing. I’m going to get a hoodie. You want one?”

“No thanks!” he replied. Dan picked at his jumper sleeve. “You do enough for me anyways.”

“What was that?” Phil asked, peeking his head from his bedroom door.

“No sweatshirt please,” Dan said weakly. He was already drowning a bit in Phil.

The Christmas lights had been strung throughout New York City as soon as Thanksgiving was over but they seemed even prettier on the day of. Light bounced off of everything, making everything brighter and happier. A thin flurry of snow had taken root over New York City and the snowflakes were decorating Phil’s black hair. Dan blamed his shortness of breath on the cold air.

They had decided to go to a popular restaurant called Serendipity III. Phil raved about it to Dan a few times so it seemed like a good choice to have Christmas dinner or at least, a version of it. When Dan looked up the menu it didn’t look like it would be serving the usual feast he had.

Apparently the restaurant had been featured in a few movies and Dan could definitely tell why. When he entered the small space, the walls were lined with fabulous little trinkets and felt as if it had fallen out of a scene from _Alice and Wonderland._ Stained glass lamps hung from the ceiling in clusters and seats shaped like hearts circled the small tables. It was absolutely adorable. 

Once they had ordered some extravagant entrées and drinks, they continued their usual flow of conversation. It was so uncomplicated together. At least most of the time. It made Dan so incredibly happy he was spending his time with his best friend. When Phil’s eyes widened with excitement over a topic or laughed quietly at a joke or fixed his hair Dan couldn’t help but feel warmth bloom from his chest. This person had decided to invest time and energy into being friends with Dan. It was the best feeling.

The food tasted delicious but Phil practically bounced in eagerness when the menu was handed back for dessert. Dan rolled his eyes and nodded when Phil asked if they could share some sort of frozen hot chocolate. Dan didn’t think that made sense whatsoever but he wasn’t going to dampen Phil’s enthusiasm for this oxymoronic drink.

He took back his thoughts once he had a first sip. An obscene noise left his mouth and he rolled his eyes back for dramatic effect.

“Enjoying yourself?” Phil was smirking.

“Mhm,” Dan took another sip. “This is orgasmic.”

“If I knew this was all it took to get you going, I would have taken you here a long time ago,” Phil raised one eyebrow.

Dan just smiled down at the table and continued sipping on the straw. “Maybe you should have.”

Phil choked a little bit on his current swallow then laughed. “You’re really something else, Dan.” It was so fuzzy and felt like fairy lights were radiating out of Dan in the most pleasant way possible. They continued to work on finishing the huge frozen hot chocolate in silence, catching each other’s gazes and grinning crazily.

The sound of cars rushing through slushy streets and the soft silence of snow falling occupied the space between Dan and Phil as they made their way back to Phil’s apartment. The effervescent feeling in Dan’s chest was probably bursting out at the seams but he didn’t really care. The cold couldn’t lay a finger on Dan’s rosy cheeks.

“It’s a bit freezing, isn’t it?” Phil’s voice was a shake and a smile.

“Yeah. I guess,” Dan moved closer to Phil. “And whose wonderful idea was this? Walking back to the apartment?” Their apartment. Dan shoved his hands deeper into his jacket. “How fucking long is this walk anyway? Wasn’t the ride here twenty minutes? It’ll take us a full hour to get back and you know it.” There wasn’t even a touch of unhappiness in Dan’s voice though.

“Okay. Maybe I didn’t work this out all the way,” Phil grinned, continuing to close the gap between the two. “But I thought walking would be...” _Romantic_. “... Um. Clear our heads.”

“‘Walking would be clear our heads.’ Nice speaking, Phil,” Dan rolled his eyes while his chest tugged. “Can we get a cab now?”

“But your hair is curling with the flurries. Can we stay outside a bit longer?” Phil almost whined.

“You and your bloody curly hair kink. I swear to God.” He was going to combust.

Instead of retaliating, Phil hailed a taxi.

Long legs were too long for the backseat of a taxi. It was okay for them to overlap and press together. Friends lean their heads on friend’s shoulders all the time. Hands twitch when they rest next to each other. They needed the warmth, it was cold. Dan tried not to think about it.

“I got you a present,” Phil said as they shuffled past each other to get into the apartment.

“Oh really?” Dan smiled. “I did too, for you I mean” Phil matched Dan’s smile and sat down right in front of the tree they had painstakingly set up a few weeks before. It had taken hours and a few cups of lukewarm coffee to get it all done but it was worth it when they pretended to have a rave with the stupid flash setting. Phil said he wanted to put it up to make it feel more like home. Dan didn’t comment on that.

Phil found the cord to turn on the tree lying haphazardly across the floor and plugged it in. The tree was not dazzling by far but the fairy lights were a nice backdrop for Phil. Dan noticed the inconspicuous present under the tree he was sure hadn’t been there when they’d left and hurried to get Phil’s from its hiding place.

“Open mine first,” Dan bounced, holding out the tightly wrapped gift.

“Okay, okay,” Phil laughed as he opened the present. “Oh my god, is this what I think it is? Dan! Dan. Holy crap. Origin of Symmetry on vinyl?! This is amazing! How did you even know I had a record player?”

“Phil, I literally have been over yours every day for the past while. I’m not blind,” Dan’s dimples were deep.

Phil flung his arms around Dan. “Thanks,” was whispered into his hair before Phil drew back. “You’re freaking amazing. Okay, now I feel completely upstaged but still open your present.”

Dan examined the wrapping job. It was awful with wrinkles and flaps of paper sticking out and Dan giggled as he tore it open. Smooth leather met his hands and Dan stared wide eyed at the notebook he held. It was simple and black, probably two hundred pages wide. “Phil, it’s gorgeous.”

“Well, I was just thinking you could use it for your fashion line ideas and everything and like I don’t know, some sketches, maybe your big break will be drawn into it--I don’t know I just thought you deserved a proper ideas book and--”

“Phil, it’s wonderful. You’re wonderful,” Dan cut his rambling off quietly. He ran his fingers down the cover. “It’s so nice.”

“Moleskine,” Phil said sheepishly. Dan looked up and dropped the notebook to hug Phil hard. Dan was pretty sure the heels of his hands were digging a bit too sharp into Phil’s back and it was lasting too many seconds but he clung onto Phil. He didn’t know why it meant so much to him. It was just a notebook. Maybe the fact it was given by Phil. Phil who believed in his dreams and wanted him to follow them wholeheartedly. He was pretty sure he was made of lit fireworks. He was pretty sure he was in love with Phil.

The rest of the night was warm decaf coffee and falling asleep on the couch with Muse slow dancing in the air.

* * *

Coursework, deadlines, exams, mock fashion lines, and classes all piled up until there was nothing. It was May and the semester ended weeks ago. Dan was in a weird limbo. Everyday had been a new challenge and work and then it had all dissipated with one week of finals and a small fashion show. Flowers in Central Park were in full bloom and most of the trees were dressed in emerald leaves. Time had slipped Dan once more.

Dan had decided to visit his family some time in July because the tickets were cheaper and he wanted to experience New York City burst into summer. Walks in the park had become more frequent, taking up most of his day. There wasn’t anything else for him to do. Phil was becoming even more successful in the marketing firm. It didn’t escape Dan’s notice when Phil’s paycheck increased drastically. He didn’t complain too much when Phil got a Givenchy t-shirt and more expensive dinners ‘just because’ although he said he would pay Phil back one day.

Their time was pretty limited to weekends and the occasional one dollar pizza at midnight. Of course Phil’s job took up most of his time but Dan also had resorted to working in the studios provided by FIT. It was only so long Dan could survive without a mannequin and the rare strip of fabric he would need to complete his garments and Phil’s apartment was far from a fashion designer’s storage closet. He always returned back to Phil’s though. Dan would often wake up from his position on Phil’s couch at some ungodly hour and see Phil slumbering to some inane reality tv shows. Dan wasn’t ashamed to admit The Real Housewives of New Jersey was fairly interesting.

Somewhere in the middle of February, Phil had announced Dan couldn’t sleep on the couch anymore. Dan was pretty shocked until Phil said Dan’s posture was going to be horrible if he didn’t sleep in a proper bed and he was to use Phil’s bed from then on. It was a little weird at first. Phil wasn’t back from work to see Dan’s face flame up remembering what happened almost two years ago on the bed. He should stop being so hung up on Phil. It had been a year since they had that one week. All the seasons had passed Dan by but he still wanted Phil’s hands on his hips and bright mornings with him. He wanted everything and it took a lot not to take it. When Phil had gotten back from work the first night Dan slept in his bed, Dan was scrolling through Tumblr with the duvet tangled around his legs. They had fallen asleep next to each other. Dan was pretty sure he dreamt of soft breaths on his skin and intertwined limbs every night but Phil always left before Dan woke up to find out if it was real.

Dan didn’t know who had come up with the idea but midway through May, Carlie was driving a bunch of them down to the beach. Them as in the group of friends Dan had amassed in his two years at FIT. It seemed very questionable that two people had to sit on others’ laps and duck whenever a police car passed but the hour and a half ride was fun. It was rowdy laughs and ridiculous stories from childhood and the ecstasy of summer heat blowing in.

Of course Dan wanted Phil to tag along so he did. Dan liked the look of wind blowing through Phil’s black hair and the azure sky outlining his profile. Dan liked the look of Phil grinning at him in excitement and resting his hand next to Dan’s in a sliver of connection.

Carlie had decided to drive them to her favorite childhood boardwalk, Seaside Heights in New Jersey. “It’s the poor man’s Long Beach Island,” she told Dan as she rolled her eyes. Dan had no clue what that meant.

The group arrived around three in the afternoon, leaving them plenty of time to relax on the beach. The dark and luxurious waves collided with the pearly sand. In the distance, Dan could see a boardwalk with rides and what seemed like restaurants lining the beach. Dan was wearing some new above the knee, black swim trunks which looked plain but he loved the shorter cut and the sides had pretty white piping on the sides. Not that anyone would care or notice. Also his thighs looked nice as hell in them. He hoped Phil would notice that at least.

The party was situated on a bare patch of sand and someone started blasting pop songs and Dan felt the thrum of summer pick up in his heart. Everyone but he and Phil dashed into the water as soon as possible. Carlie shot a smirk at Dan and he waved her off.

“Can you spray some suntan lotion on my back?” Phil asked.

“Alright,” Dan shrugged. Phil tossed the aerosol can over to Dan and it clunked on Dan’s shoulder none too lightly. “Ouch, Phil! I should just leave you to burn.”

“You don’t want to see me as a lobster, Howell. Now spray me up!” Dan giggled and rolled his eyes, moving to spray Phil’s broad back, enjoying the view of Phil’s cute muffin tops. He was about to go to sit back on his towel, once he was sure he had covered enough skin but he was grabbed by the wrist. “You have to rub it in,” Phil whined. “It’s not gonna stick unless it’s absorbed.”

“You’re helpless,” Dan sighed exaggeratedly. His hands hesitated before running up and down Phil’s back. Dan tried not to trace over the moles and freckles dotting Phil’s back to much and pulled back as soon as possible. “There.” He moved to the safety of his blanket.

Phil turned around and shot Dan a look. “What? Got you all hot and bothered?”

“Shut up!” Dan sputtered. “Go jump in the water now and leave me alone!”

“You really do not know how sunscreen works. I have to let it sit.” Phil threw himself down next to Dan. He pulled out a book and made himself comfortable, his long legs looking beautiful as usual. Dan tried to ignore him and pulled out the notebook Phil gave him. His sketches swayed and moved like waves. If he had colors, the fashion designs would be yellow and green and blue and they would crash like the ocean.

The sun wasn’t oppressive and the laughter from his friends in the water was faint. Dan tried to picture how he and Phil looked in that moment. Probably like they fit together. He smiled to himself.

Dan had come to the realization that he was already halfway through university. It had been two years of hard work. Two years of long nights and far too many grazes with broken sewing machines. Two years of Carlie and their friends. Two years of Phil. He’d found a home in New York City. Found a home in Phil’s apartment. It sort of blew his mind.

Along with the revelation that two entire years had passed, Dan realized he really didn’t have a reason not to be in a relationship anymore. Now that was something. It felt like a glimmer under his skin; something like a secret. Dan was fairly sure he wouldn’t run away from a relationship this time. He had his grades on lockdown and mastered his classes and knew he was a rising face in the fashion community. He hadn’t told anyone yet but he’d already received emails from highbrow fashion companies. So Dan was feeling pretty good about the future and he was certain a relationship wouldn’t rupture that.

But of course there was only one person he wanted to truly be in a relationship with. He was wearing Ray Bans and lounging next to Dan. Dan hoped Phil felt a little bit similar. He paled at the thought that he had been falling in love with Phil for the past two years. At the thought Phil might have lost all romantic feelings. If he had any to begin with.

Partway through a promising sketch, Phil convinced Dan to take a splash in the water. Dan warned he would only let the ocean lap daintily at his ankles but he somehow found himself being dunked under by a too-enthusiastic Phil. Carlie and a few others laughed at the scene of Dan whining indignantly at the fact his hair would be an absolute mess. Those laughs soon turned into battle cries as Dan started splashing at his so-called friends in retaliation.

The sunset started to flourish quietly in violets and clementines after a few hours. The shadows were long and comforting on the sand. Dan’s hair was made up of wild, sandy curls but he couldn’t seem to bring himself to care. Phil pointed out the light dusting of freckles on his shoulders that came along with Dan’s light tan by brushing his fingers across them lightly when no one was looking. Only Phil could see Dan’s blush in the fading sunlight.

“We should go to the boardwalk!” someone said excitedly.

“Y’all know that shit gets expensive as hell after thirty minutes,” Carlie half-jokingly warned. “The tickets pile up after a while.”

“Don’t be such a buzz kill! Can we pretend we’re not broke college students for two seconds?” someone else complained.

“Can’t argue with that logic,” Carlie shrugged and the group packed up to make their way to the glowing lights in the distance. Dan slid into his favorite tank top and shrugged his moth-patterned button up on. He was sure he heard Phil mumble something about it being dumb to wear layers at the beach and Dan stuck his nose up in the air playfully. He wasn’t going to sacrifice fashion for comfort.

With the continuing darkness, the rides were lighting up, blazing neon lights and yellowing light bulbs. It was a careful glow that highlighted a skyride that Dan noticed hanging above their heads. The skyride in question featured a few cables stretching a good way down the beach away from the main boardwalk with seats hanging from them. It seemed more that a little precarious to Dan.

Once the good portion of the group that could buy drinks dispensed beer bottles to those a little too underage, someone went to get tickets. Phil clinked his bottle’s neck with Dan’s as they watched their friends disperse to different attractions. Carlie and three others stuck with Dan and Phil wandered around the concession stands. Dan furrowed his brows at the signs advertising fried oreos.

“Who in the world would want fried oreos?” Dan mumbled under his breath. He was convinced no one heard him until Phil nudged him.

“Don’t knock it until you try it,” Phil bent to whisper into Dan’s ear. “They taste like absolute heaven.”

“It sounds gross,” Dan wrinkled his nose.

“You’ve a lot to learn, rookie,” Phil slung his arm around Dan’s shoulders.

“I’m almost twenty. I’ve been around the block,” Dan said impetuously, knowing he sounded silly. He leaned into Phil, trying not to be too obvious he was just trying to get a whiff of Phil’s aftershave. So what? Phil always smelled good.

“Okay,” Phil giggled. “Whatever you say.”

Dan’s attention was pulled from Phil when Carlie asked, “Can we go on the skyride? It’s my favorite!” After the rest of his friends nodded in consensus, Dan shrugged and they headed off to stand in line for it.

Phil stood behind Dan and sensed his nervous energy. “You okay?” Phil’s voice dipped into the empty spaces of Dan.

“‘M fine.”

“No you’re not. You are doing that weird tapping thing,” Phil replied calmly. Dan cursed his obvious nervous tells. And that Phil knew all of them.

Dan turned around to face Phil and they were centimeters apart. They could both feel the warmth of each other’s bodies without even touching. “Hypothetically, what would you say if I was scared of the skyride.” Dan’s voice was quiet in an inflated whisper.

Phil met Dan’s eyes and said, “Hypothetically, I would say it’s completely rational to be scared of it. I’ve been on the ride before and the wind rattles your seat a little and it gets cold and it’s like fifteen minutes one way and fifteen minutes back if you don’t walk. And you’re like twenty feet off the ground with a small bar separating you from falling. I would be scared too. Hypothetically, of course.” Phil looked behind Dan. “The line’s moving.”

“What do you say we ditch the ride?”

“Yes, please.” That was all Dan needed to grab Phil’s hand and rush out of the line like his life depended on it.

“Thanks so much,” Dan breathed, incredibly relieved he didn’t have to go on the ride. He shot Carlie a text saying he and Phil weren’t doing the skyride. Dan looked back at the line to see Carlie giving them a middle finger and a smile.

“I mean, I can’t say it isn’t cute how flustered and nervous you got--” Dan flushed at Phil’s words, “--but I’d rather not see you shit your nice swim trunks twenty feet in the air.” So Phil _had_ noticed Dan’s swimming attire.

Dan shoved Phil. “That wouldn’t have happened. I may have just been grasping onto you for dear life up there, is all.”

“Damn! Missed a golden opportunity. The things I sacrifice for you, Dan.”

Dan shook his head and realized he was still holding Phil’s hand. He regretfully let go and changed the subject. “So fried oreos? Care to treat a poor college student to some?”

“For a nice boy like you?” Phil smirked. “Surely.”

“You’re sweet.”

Apparently just eating fried oreos alone wasn’t the perfect first fried oreo eating experience according to Phil. Dan’s eyes widened at the copious amount of powdered sugar coating what looked like lumps of fried dough. He reached for one but Phil swatted his hand away. Dan knew the small sips of beer had loosened Phil’s inhibitions at least a tiny bit when Phil suggested hopping over the boardwalk fence and onto the beach. Dan halted when he saw the signs saying in bold letters ‘NO BEACH ENTRANCE AFTER 8:00 PM’ but Phil grasped his arm and pulled him across the barrier. It was a giggled, “Are you sure we should be doing this?” followed by giggled shushing when Phil went to hide under the beams holding up the boardwalk. The tide was high and washing out a few of their whispered words.

“I can’t believe you think this is worth the perfect fried oreo experience,” Dan rolled his eyes affectionately.

“Well, the first time I had these babies was on the Fourth of July so they allowed people on the beach for the fireworks. Wanted you to have the proper special experience.” Phil’s words rested in the curve of Dan’s neck and made his hands burn.

“You’re dumb.”

“You love it.”

“You’re right.”

Phil grinned at the two words and shook off some excess sugar from one of the fried oreos and held it out for Dan. “C’mon. Try it. Perfect temperature and everything.”

“You’re pretty obsessed with things being perfect, huh?” Dan swore he heard Phil mumble something before he took a bite but he didn’t question it. The warm, chocolatey, sugary treat melted into Dan’s mouth. He rolled his eyes back and moaned loudly for effect.

Phil laughed, “Enjoying yourself?”

“Immensely,” Dan moaned again as he took another bite. “I think you’ll need to give me a moment.”

“Well, if you think I’m not going to have my fair share of oreos, you’re dead wrong,” Phil smiled and took a bite of one of them.

They finished off the six fried oreos easily enough and decided to hang underneath the boardwalk for a while. Phil kicked around the sand as Dan sat drawing patterns in it. The shadows stretched lazily over them and the comforting rolling of waves made Dan feel like they were in their own world. The air was salty and the wind blew through Dan’s curls and besides the distant noises of the boardwalk and faded ocean crashes, it was quiet. And with anyone else, Dan would have felt uneasy. But it was Phil and he felt safe in the fullness of not speaking.

Phil was getting dangerously close to the water and Dan didn’t want to deal with a sopping wet Phil so he shouted over the wind, “Wanna go back now?”

Phil made his way back to Dan and pulled him up. He gave an exaggerated sigh, “I guess.”

“You’ve still got so much sand on you,” Dan giggled, brushing some sand from Phil’s arms.

“You’ve still got powdered sugar on your mouth,” Phil smiled. They were still so close.

Dan half-heartedly wiped at his mouth. “Did I get it?”

“No,” Phil said. “Here let me…” Phil’s fingers were dangerously close to Dan’s mouth. And then his thumb was brushing over Dan’s bottom lip. The breeze was caught in Dan’s rib cage. “...There. Got it.”

Dan breathed. “You sure?”

And then he was pressing his lips against Phil’s. There was a short gasp from Phil before he reacted and pulled back a little. They were still breathing in each other’s air as Dan gave Phil a confused look. One hand grasped Dan’s wrist briefly then trailed down and intertwined their fingers. Dan dared to glance up at Phil and he could barely read his face. Those sunflower eyes were dark and quiet. Dan nosed at Phil’s jawline. “Is this okay?”

“Yes.” It was a breath thrown into the wind. Needy and hoarse. It was all Dan wanted.

Phil tasted like the ocean. His skin was pliant like the sand under their feet. His hands carded through Dan’s hair like a sea breeze. Dan wanted it all. And he took as much as he could get. His fingers dipped sweetly to Phil’s hips and pressed wantingly into them. Their lips were made of hummingbird kisses, quick and restless. Dan’s were chapped and eager to make sure Phil was there with him. Phil’s were more patient. Dan felt so desperate. It had been two years. He bunched his hands in Phil’s t-shirt and pressed fleeting kisses on Phil’s lips, chin, nose, forehead, jaw, cheeks. Dan felt like his heart was shining glass caught in moonlight. Phil nipped at Dan’s mouth and slowed Dan down. The kisses smoothed to honey and Dan found himself pressed against one of the wooden pillars supporting the boardwalk.

Phil moved a little back, Dan leaning forward to chase his lips before blushing. Phil peered at him thoughtfully and swung their hands. He spoke up. “Is this another summer week? Y’know? Like last year?” Phil’s voice was strained like he was trying to filter out any emotion.

“Not if you don’t want this to be.” Dan looked away worriedly and let out a small, “I don’t want this to be.”

“Are you sure you want this? We aren’t completely sober,” Phil’s eyebrows creased.

“I had like two sips of beer. I don’t feel even a little buzzed,” Dan huffed in annoyance. “And I’ve wanted this sober for so long.” Dan loosened one of his hands from Phil’s and brought it up to tug at Phil’s shirt and pull him closer. He rested their foreheads together softly.

“How long?” Phil teased.

“Shut up,” Dan smiled too wide. “Long enough.”

Phil smiled and their mouths met and Dan felt like he was shattering once again. It was heat thrumming in between them, two years of wanting. Phil’s hands were traversing Dan’s skin under his top and Dan couldn’t breathe with the feeling. His head was tilted back and his eyes were fluttering shut as Phil mouthed his neck. An ‘I love you’ threatened to spill over onto Phil’s shoulders but of course, Dan stopped himself. He should save that for later. Maybe. Was he in love? God, they were only making out and Dan was pretty certain he wasn’t just iridescent with Phil’s touch. He felt like a damn supernova.

They were panting when Phil suggested they find their friends. Dan laughed and leaned into Phil. The idea that, if Phil really wanted this, he could touch Phil casually like this in the future made Dan lightheaded. Everything was so warm.

“Can we be together?” Dan blurted out. The wind rushed in his veins. “Like for real together? I don’t want to put off talking about it. I’m like already--I like you a lot. More than a lot. Okay? I need this to be real.”

Phil was made of moonlight and his face shined with the best smile Dan’s ever seen. “I want it to be real too. I like you more than a lot too.”

“Fuck. Thank God,” Dan whispered feverishly against Phil’s cheek.

* * *

Dan stayed at Phil’s all the time now. The housing department had kicked Dan out along with the students that weren’t paying to stay in the summer. This meant all of Dan’s things were lounging around Phil’s apartment. As if 87% of Dan’s worldly possessions hadn’t been residing in Phil’s place anyways.

It wasn’t much of a change from their normal routines. Phil would still go to work and come back late at night. Dan would still bum around the apartment and go on long walks. But the time in between was spent getting to know each other again.

They already knew almost every facet of each other’s personalities (Dan was somewhat appalled when Phil would bring up how posh he sounded because of watching Winnie the Pooh religiously as a child or that one time he had gotten his face stuck in a subway door for Phil) but somehow throwing in a romantic aspect to their relationship opened up new doors.

Instead of the carefree week they had at Phil’s old house, they were tracking new marks on each other. Dan had to learn Phil was always the big spoon and Phil had to learn Dan’s desire to control their dates to perfection. It was a lie saying they didn’t meet obstacles but the obstacles were small and the reward was amazing. And the sex was too.

The end of June was approaching and Dan regretted not lining his return to England up with Phil’s. The past few weeks had been some of the best of Dan’s life. Being in a real relationship with Phil brought just another depth into their already close friendship. It was basically the same dynamic with the added bonus of more physicality in the mix. Dan’s birthday had been quite the affair. But it wasn’t just the sex, although that part could stand on its own, but Dan relished in being able to bump Phil’s hip or squeeze his arm or cuddle on the couch. The feeling of knowing he could tangle his hand with Phil’s without any pretense-elated Dan. But one of the best things Dan got out of it was that they barely changed. It was as if they had been in a romantic relationship already without most of the casual touching. Knowing they were already in sync so deeply and irrevocably was an emotion Dan couldn’t even fathom describing.

Phil’s plane back to the Motherland was set to leave June 30th. Dan groaned that they wouldn’t even be able to meet up because Phil would be leaving July 12th so he could get back to his job and Dan was going on the 11th. Phil promised they could Skype everyday but Dan was worried. It had only been a month basically--of being boyfriends, technically, even though they hadn’t officially labeled it yet. Dan found it too brash of him to change his Facebook status just yet. What if Phil got bored of just Skyping or found someone else? They were going to be separated for a good six weeks, at least, if Dan could beg his mum enough to return to New York City sooner.

“Hey,” Phil knocked his knees against Dan’s. It was a humid and rainy Sunday and they were just lazing about in the apartment. At the moment, Phil was running his hands through Dan’s curling hair as Dan played some video game. “You’re worrying over something.”

“No‘m not,” Dan bit his lip in concentration and furiously pounded at the console controller he was holding. Did Phil really have to bring up something in the middle of a showdown?

“Yeah, you are,” Phil persisted. He waited for Dan to pause the game. “What is it?”

Dan looked away and muttered something Phil didn’t catch. Phil prodded Dan’s side and turned towards him. “Don’t want you to forget about me in England.” It was mumbled and small.

Phil looked thoughtful for a second before throwing his arm around Dan’s shoulders. “Dan. Do you think I forgot about you in the past two years? I’ve not been in any serious relationship before you came along.”

Dan hid his face in Phil’s neck. “But what if you find the girl or boy of your dreams the more than a month away from me? What am I to do then?”

“You’re worrying is silly, babe.”

“Are you sure? Like, I don’t even know if you want me to be your boyfriend,” Dan sighed, regretting what he said immediately. Shit, didn’t Phil say he didn’t like labels?

Phil’s hand toyed with the frayed short sleeve of Dan’s shirt. It was a Gucci piece. Maybe Phil had gone a little overboard with shopping for Dan. “I want you to be my everything, Dan.”

He couldn’t breathe so he cracked a joke instead. “You want me to be your mum?” It was hollow and they both laughed in lukewarm tones.

“Do you want to be boyfriends?” Phil grinned a little, looking away from Dan.

“God, yes.” And then Dan was straddling Phil and kissing along his jaw. And that was that.

They did Skype everyday. Dan was reminded of last summer except with maybe one or two or six calls with his shirt, and occasionally other articles of clothing, off. Sometimes Dan would show Phil some sketches from the notebook he gave him and Phil would smile big and fill Dan’s heart up a bit. It was a bit tougher to be away from Phil than Dan expected. He just missed the every-so-often presence of Phil, a movement passing by and a cup of coffee at the end of a long day. And he missed the whole movie collection they had amassed together.

His parents were indeed glad that Dan was home. Maybe it was going to be a warmer welcome every time he came back and Dan didn’t know if he could handle the amount of cheek kisses he received. Dan’s mother insisted he come back for Christmas no matter if Dan had a job or not. Dan rolled his eyes. His father seemed a bit more proud once Dan mentioned the few famous fashion brands already eyeing him up for a prospective job. Adrian stayed semi-indifferent to Dan’s return, only showing his appreciation for someone to play video games with on a daily basis.

The weeks spent back in England felt relaxing and a little too nostalgic for Dan’s tastes. His old friends messaged him on Facebook to see if they could meet up for drinks. Dan had been a bit surprised he wasn’t carded at the pub they went to but he had gotten used to the American drinking age and how to avoid it. It felt like his life was in reverse somehow. His old friends were cheerful enough but it was obvious none of them could connect too much anymore. Especially to Dan. The jokes about Dan becoming a famous fashion designer soon quieted once he mentioned his progressive success in school. They all seemed to be having a lot of fun in uni but none of them had clear paths for their futures yet. Dan was startled to find one of his old friends hitting on him during the third round of drinks and he decided to escape before things got too awkward.

It all felt like returning to England was a plastic dream. Nothing felt as real as his life in New York City. It felt like a weak reconstruction of his old life. And it’d only been two years but his friends were different people, and he was a different person. He could see the smile lines deepening in the creases of his mother’s eyes and how much more difficult it was for his father to get out of his seat. Adrian was somehow close to his own height now. He could see the stark plainness of his old room saturated with dust and white sunlight. The clinging to how he used to be by the people around him made Dan crave the return trip home. Even his mother noticed it and let Dan go back a few days earlier in the fourth week instead of the five weeks she had pushed for.

It was a Skype call a few days before Dan was set to return back to New York. Dan was in his usual spot on his bed, shifting restlessly. Phil looked pensive and that was enough to set Dan a little on edge. Dan pretended he hadn’t but he counted it had been twenty-six days since he had last seen Phil in person.

“Y’know, I was thinking about us,” Phil rolled onto his back and looked at his ceiling. Dan giggled because all he could see was Phil’s chest rising and falling easily.

“I’d hope so,” Dan intoned, smiling like a maniac. Phil knocked him out.

“Yeah,” Phil shifted so Dan could at least see his face. “So… I was thinking maybe when you get back--I don’t know. Maybe you would want to move in with me?”

Dan gaped. “Are you serious? Oh my god.”

Phil gave Dan a half-worried-half-smiling face. “Is that a yes or--?”

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes,” Dan gasped. He was glowing, he was sure. Phil. Phil had asked Dan to move in with him. Dan was in love.

“Yeah, well I thought… since we’re officially together and y’know you’re basically living with me anyways…” Phil trailed off and just beamed at Dan. A crease appeared. “This isn’t going too fast for you, is it?”

“No, Phil, I’m--” Dan stopped. The words ‘I’m in love with you’ ached at the back of Dan’s throat. It had only officially been a little over two months. Would it scare Phil off? And Dan didn’t even want to say it first over a cheap Skype call. He shook his head. “It’s not too fast Phil. Now I won’t need any flimsy excuses to leech off your cereal.”

“Oi. You’ll be getting your own,” Phil protested.

“Then you’ll just go stealing mine!” Dan laughed.

“You’re okay with this? For real?” Phil was shy and it was new.

“I’m okay with anything,” Dan couldn’t hold back his words well enough. “But I am worried about the cost. I’ll expect to pay half of it. I’m just nervous it might be too much. FIT housing is expensive enough as it is and that’s fairly inexpensive.”

“I’ll cover what you can’t pay, Dan. That’s simple enough,” Phil shrugged.

“But--”

“No buts,” Phil tried to restrain his smile.

“God, Phil. Just let me pay.”

“I pay it well enough on my own. You can chip in if you want but it’s really no sweat off my back,” Phil continued. “All your stuff is already at my place. You don’t even have to move in, you lucky bastard.”

Dan stared helplessly at the fuzzy version of Phil on his laptop screen. “You’re stubborn as fuck. You know that?”

“You’re pretty even in pixel form. You know that?”

And Dan was blushing and Phil could probably see it even with the crappy connection. “Can’t wait to see you again.”

“Me too.”

It wasn’t so much a move into Phil’s apartment as it was deliberately living with Phil. When Dan returned from being in England for too long he was met with an exuberant Phil waiting at the exit area. It was a shy smile and a kiss that landed on the edge of Dan’s jaw. Ever the knight in shining armour, Phil took the one light bag Dan had brought with him and lead Dan to the waiting taxi. It wasn’t a jet lagged flight but Dan was tired. But the cab sped over cracks in the road and he was awoken by Phil removing Dan’s face from his shoulder.

Dan leaned against Phil as he fumbled to unlock the door to Phil’s apartment. He was so sleepy and it was only two in the afternoon. He smiled happily when they entered though. Maybe he hadn’t noticed it too much before but he noticed his things scattered throughout the place. Dan didn’t remember when his Kanye artwork had been hung on the walls or how his childhood stuffed bear landed next to the television but it felt like he was returning to a home. And it now was.

Without thinking too much about it, Dan sloppily grabbed at Phil’s hand and lead him to the bedroom. He was tired and needed a body to sleep next to. He needed a Phil to sleep next to.

“It’s so disappointing that I can tell how sleepy you are otherwise this would have been taking a very exciting turn,” Phil quipped, smiling at Dan as he collapsed on the bed, skinny jeans and all.

“You spork. Maybe we can do that later,” Dan’s voice was muffled in a pillow. He was grinning but Phil couldn’t see it. Dan flopped around and his brow furrowed adorably as he saw Phil opening the door to leave. Dan’s lethargy made his voice sound whiny and soft. “Why aren’t you staying?”

“You need to sleep,” Phil said.

“But I wanna with you.” Dan made grabby hands in the general direction of Phil, sleep already starting to cloud his mind.

“Not all of us are tired at two in the afternoon,” Phil laughed quietly as he made his way to the bed. They maneuvered easily so Dan was half laying on Phil, tucked under his chin. Dan mumbled something about Phil being warm and nuzzled into his chest. “I had actual plans today, you know.” Phil smiled down at Dan. “Was gonna find some way to make s’mores. It’s National S’mores Day. The eleventh of August.”

“What’re s’mores?” Dan was too sleepy to recollect the familiar word. It sounded funny and if he wasn’t 80% asleep he would have giggled. The sun was mellow on Dan’s skin and Phil’s fingertips braided through his hair.

“American treats. They’re good.”

Dan nodded and smiled. Being with Phil made him feel like the sun. The words were simple and true so Dan said them. “Love you.”

A pause. “Love you, too.”

Dan snuggled into the airy and comfortable scent of Phil and fell asleep.

* * *

 

“Okay!” two hands clapped at the front of the small seminar room. It was Dan’s first class of his junior year. Somehow he’d been signed up for the most prestigious senior fashion design class with at least four recommendations from his professors. “As many of you know, I am Professor Beaulieu. This class is going to be the pinnacle of your secondary education career. Your _Hamlet_ , if you will. This is what’s going to get you jobs. Make or break you as you emerge into the fashion industry.

“Now I’m fluffing this up a lot, aren’t I? All this pomp and circumstance for this one class is warranted though. You all had to get letters of recommendation for this course and for good reason. You’re all the best of the best.” Dan swallowed slow and dry and he didn’t bring a water bottle. The older students around him buzzed with pride and trepidation. Dan buzzed with excitement. “This year you will all be developing fashion lines. Not full-fledged, of course. I’m limiting you all to seven pieces but it’s not in your best favor if you hand in seven shoddy outfits instead of four well-crafted ones. But at the end of this year there will be a fashion show to showcase all your talent. This isn’t a mock runway, mind you. Some of the head designers of multiple extremely well-known brands will be attending for scouting purposes. I will grade you all individually but the real test will be if you have what it takes to impress the real world.”

Beaulieu left the class to start brainstorming what they would want to make. Dan stared blankly at the notebook Phil got him. He already had most of his ideas scribbled in between those thin pages. Dan noted at least ten out of the twenty students in the room seemed to be in a panic over this. He couldn’t feel any panic yet, he was sure he would later in the year, but he already had ideas and ways to make them. It didn’t seem like too much of a big deal. It was only September.

Dan was shaken out of his thoughts when Beaulieu loomed over him, arching an eyebrow at what appeared to be Dan not working. “Thinking, Mr. Howell?”

“Yes, professor,” he casually flicked through the mostly full notebook. “Got loads of stuff.”

“You’ve come prepared.”

“Don’t always. Not usually, anyways,” Dan huffed a laugh. “But I’ve had a lot of time for this. I’m surprised more students don’t have all their future fashion lines sketched out.”

“Me too,” Beaulieu moved on in an appraising voice. 

* * *

Dan had never worked this hard in his life. Turned out making part of a fashion line on top of four other classes was a handful. Or, more like seventeen buckets full. If he wasn’t writing a research paper on pleats, he was on drawing tablets trying to flesh out his ideas onto self-made fashion croquis or going on trips to obscure fabric stores to find even more obscure materials or texting Phil he couldn’t make their date on Sunday or Tuesday or Friday. The more he worked, the more in love Dan fell with the fashion industry. The exhilaration of creating a materialized expression of self that could be worn never wore itself out.

But it did strain Dan and Phil’s relationship a bit. It seemed like the only time Dan had spent with Phil between the months of September and November had been under sheets; sleeping more often than not. Although his love for Phil, which thankfully hadn’t been shot down after his sleepy return home, hadn’t dissipated in the slightest, the only time with Phil was nine at night video games and two in the morning hot breaths against skin. Dan was finding himself looking forward to the appearance of the moon because it meant time with Phil. It was as if Dan couldn’t remember what sunlight looked like dappled on Phil’s skin.

But December and the promise of a break from school, at least the rigorous version Dan had been living, was enveloping. He almost laughed with joy when his foggy breath met Phil’s for a quick coffee lunch break in the chilly winter air. They didn’t mention it but it was their first real date since September and it wasn’t even that formal. It was just meeting during Phil’s lunch break at a no-name cafe. But it was something. And Dan fell more in love, as usual.

The slowed down pace was a deep relief for Dan. He missed time with Phil, with his friends. And he worried his lips between his teeth every night contemplating the fact that a fashion designer’s career might not allow time for the people he cared about. Dan tried to toss those thoughts out in the bin.

2012 began with a kiss that happened three seconds too early. It began with smiles held against skin and raucous cheers echoing the streets and fireworks trailing into the Hudson River. Their friends had convinced Dan and Phil to join them at a celebration in a park overlooking the bay. It was freezing and Dan was burning in his time with Phil. Christmas had been visiting his parents with Phil smiling small behind him. They had managed to spend almost all their time together in the past few weeks, even if it was just Phil on his laptop as Dan sewed. It was a breathless miracle. And then they made the New Year theirs with chaste and wet kisses. Snow crunched under shoes not meant for it and the glow on the bay reminded Dan of Phil. It was cheesy but Dan didn’t really give a shit. There were sparklers being passed around and Phil tried to draw an ‘I love you’ with the light. It felt perfect.

But Dan hadn’t told anyone about the job offer. It was three weeks until he left and he still hadn’t told anyone. The thought simmered uncomfortably under his skin.

It was three in the afternoon when they woke up on January 1st.

“Phil.”

“Dan.” It was a heated blanket of three letters said by the right person. Dan was choked up for some reason.

“I got a job. Or a maybe job.”

“That’s amazing, Dan. What is it?”

“For a fashion company. A real designer? Don’t even have to intern or be a starting position in the company.”

Phil rolled over and buried his head in the stark white sheets. It was too bright. “That’s wonderful.”

“They want me to go to Paris for a week. Like a trial period.” It was too quiet.

“When?”

“Three weeks.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“I already said yes.”

“Oh.”

January was cold. Dan tried walks in the park but they lasted five minutes at the most before the wind became too sharp or Dan remembered his schoolwork obligations. The workload had somehow been lessened by his teachers so now he was mostly focusing on his fashion line. He had already finished two outfits. It had been a larger task than Dan had expected. Draping was more difficult when he didn’t have a guiding hand to show him exactly how to shape the muslin on the mannequin but he managed. It wasn’t a rare occasion when Dan came home with two or three pins threaded through his joggers or hoodies. Phil would notice and giggle as he carefully removed them.

The apartment had gotten quieter. Dan started to force time into the day to meet Phil for lunch. It had become a must for him because even Phil’s presence calmed him down. But lunches together everyday didn’t account for the fact that Phil barely talked to Dan. He would still smile and cuddle and do all the things boyfriends do, and Dan was grateful for that. But Phil was quiet now. Long conversations about what he was doing at work became two quick sentences, banter during movie marathons were abrupt and to the point. Dan missed the easy current their conversations usually took. It didn’t take much for them to get into sync. Quiet was not a rare occurrence either though, it was pleasant and content. But Phil was acting closed off from Dan and it worried him. The quiet often feel like silence over Dan. January was a little colder without Phil.

* * *

Dan’s trial Paris trip with the fashion company reared its head soon enough. He was packing for the flight in two days. Clothes were splayed unsystematically on the bed and dresser they had gotten for Dan’s things. The winter sun was gleamed harshly through the window. Dan heard the creaks of Phil moving towards their bedroom.

“I feel like I don’t have anything formal enough,” Dan breathed a nervous laugh. He turned and saw Phil leaning heavily on the doorframe, watching Dan.

“I’m sure you have enough pretty clothes that it won’t even matter.” The words weren’t biting but they were short and apathetic. The indifference holed itself inside Dan’s chest and made his heart fall a little.

“Yeah,” Dan swung around to look fully at Phil, matching his gaze. “I guess I’m just being silly.” Dan’s heart wasn’t sinking, his whole body was. This wasn’t them. It felt like a gaping chasm of disinterest on Phil’s side and Dan was scrambling at the walls to get out. He broke a bit. “Not like you’d care though.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Phil didn’t look mad, he looked worried.

“Well, it’s not like you’ve been wanting to talk the past few weeks,” Dan deadpanned. “It’s like every time I talk about something it’s one word answers! So why in the world would you be interested in my packing for what might be my big break?!” The words banged the walls rudely.

Phil looked even more worried. Dan wanted him to fight back. Instead it was a defeated, “Sorry, I’ve not been speaking much to you. There’s just a lot to think about.”

“And what’s there to think about?” Dan raised his eyebrows challengingly. This conversation was infuriating. Dan was combatting while Phil was silently taking the hits and acting as if they didn’t hurt him. Why wouldn’t Phil show a little more emotion? Dan internally screamed.

“Well, for starters, you didn’t mind keeping this very important job a secret! It’s not every day your boyfriend decides to go on a weeklong trip to a foreign country without at least letting you know ahead of time,” Phil’s voice was so even, it hurt.

“You were the first person I told!” Dan’s voice was skyrocketing by the second.

“But you said yes without even considering to tell me.”

“I didn’t think it was any of your concern!”

“I want to be there for you. Even just supporting you,” Phil was sitting on the bed now. The cushion of the mattress made Phil sit smaller than he really was. “I can’t support you if you don’t let me in.”

“So that’s why you’ve been shutting me out for the past three weeks?”

“No, Dan.” The words were laced with restraint and heartache. “I’m like...I’m so in love with you. And the fact that you didn’t tell me the great things happening in your life...it hurt more than a little. I’m so happy for you, Dan. I really am. I know how hard you work. I see how happy it makes you. But it hurt.”

Dan looked down at his hands. Last he checked, Phil’s eyes were wide and far from the brink of tears but Dan was fighting them with difficulty. “I’m in love with you too, Phil, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for not telling you sooner. I don’t know why I kept it a secret from everyone. I just did.” Dan got up from his seat by his suitcase and sat pressed to Phil on the bed. He rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. “But you can’t close down on me like that.” Dan let out a wet laugh. “I think I went a bit crazy, if I’m honest. Is it weird I need you so bad?”

Phil tilted his head to make Dan look him in the eyes. “I need you too.”

Dan kissed a watery smile onto Phil’s cheek and then his lips. He settled back to Phil’s shoulder. “Not talking to you was the worst.”

Two days later, Dan was packed and standing listlessly in the airport entrance. Phil was holding his hand and whispering into his ear. Something about missing Dan so much for the week and they had to Skype every minute Dan wasn’t at meetings. Something dirty Dan blushed at and filed away in his head for lonely nights. It was an ache at the back of Dan’s throat that they had gotten back into their natural rhythm right as Dan was leaving for a week. Dan blinked away the heat of tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

“...you’re gonna do so great. Wonderful even. The company won’t be able to say no. You’re amazing, Dan. You’re so smart about this stuff,” Phil was smiling in hushed tones right against Dan’s neck. Dan felt Phil’s hand creep into his back pocket and he swatted his arm away playfully.

“You’re like a dumb horny jock with his girlfriend,” Dan whined fondly.

“You love it,” Phil kissed Dan’s cheek and wrapped the hand around Dan’s waist instead.

“I love you,” Dan’s voice was a little choked up so he hid it in a deep kiss. He didn’t care they were in the middle of a pretty busy airport. Dan noticed he was the exact same height as Phil now as he cupped Phil’s jaw. They pulled apart too quickly for his taste even if he was short of breath afterwards.

“I love you too,” Phil ran his fingers quickly under Dan’s shirt, brushing the thin line of skin above his jeans. “I’ll miss you so much. Don’t forget it’s my birthday when you get back! I expect presents.”

“I’m getting back the twenty-eighth,” Dan rolled his eyes. “Two days before your birthday.”

“Don’t you dare stay longer. Don’t let them convince you to stay longer,” Phil pouted silly. “Tell them you have a needy boyfriend back home. Also I’m not serious about presents, I don’t need anything.”

“Even if my flight gets delayed, I will riot. Wanna get back as soon as possible. Also your presents are already chosen and held at stores. You might not need anything but I know you want at least some shit,” Dan nuzzled into Phil’s jacket. He hadn’t taken it off. Of course not, he was going to be going back outside in a few minutes. Dan wanted to stay with Phil.

Phil eased Dan off him. “You really have to go. Customs and foreign travel and all.”

Dan pecked Phil’s mouth fast. “Don’t wanna.”

“You gotta,” Phil smiled wanly. “You’re gonna become a famous fashion designer.”

“Miss you already, babe.”

“And I, you.”

The airport was incredibly crowded. It took Dan at least an hour to get through security, make a quick snack stop, and find his terminal. He collapsed onto one of the waiting area chairs with his carry on bag still slung on his shoulder and checked his phone.

_From Phil (16:09): miss you forever and ever. come back already_

_From Phil (16:24): look at this cute dog breed I just found it’s a mix between golden retrievers and huskies. I want ten_

_To Phil (16:47): i miss you too much for this_

* * *

Dan couldn’t say the week in Paris was anything less than fantastic. He couldn’t pretend waking up to quiet cobblestoned streets being washed in the early sunlight hadn’t been absolutely aesthetically fulfilling. He couldn’t deny the fact that being around people just as enthusiastic about fashion design and making it in the industry sent sparks of excitement flying through his head.

The company had booked a gorgeous hotel room for Dan. He was very surprised when he opened the door to a few sprawling rooms with an open balcony overlooking the pretty streets. Not only that but they paid for all his meals and the company heads he was meeting with were very accommodating. They even dined in a restaurant with a perfect view of the Eiffel Tower. The bill was probably the most expensive Dan had ever seen and he didn’t have to pay a penny. They toured Dan through the company headquarters and even gave him a peek at the upcoming lines to be showcased at the Spring Fashion Week in New York City. It was a dream. Dan found out quickly why they were pulling out all the stops for him.

“We want you to work with us,” said one of the company leads. Dan thought her name was Jane or something. He and the heads of the creative board were having a light lunch at the headquarters. “In fact, we very badly want you to work with us. For us.”

Dan looked at them quizzically. “Why? I’m just a student.”

“Our company relies on fresh talent to keep afloat. It’s integral that we always have new hands creating for us,” one of the primly dressed people piped up.

“And I’m that new talent?” Dan quirked his eyebrow. He was acting a lot more confident than he actually was.

“And you’re that new talent. Exactly,” someone smiled.

“We want you to work with us. Your transcript is beyond anyone else’s at the moment. Many of my friends, your professors, have raved about you and your talent,” another said simply. “You basically seem like the perfect person for this job. We’ve seen samples of the work you’ve done so far. Impeccable, may I just say. You _do_ want to be a lead fashion designer, correct?”

Dan was whirring. “I do.” **  
**

“Well,” Jane looked around the group. “I think that’s a lot of information for one lunch. This, of course, isn’t a decision to be made immediately. We understand that, Dan. But time is of the essence and our fall lines need to start being established. We want you on our creative team. You wouldn’t be entering the company as a starting position either. Maybe a trial run with the head designers for the Spring Fashion Week. Then probably promoting you to a head designer with your own line for the fall. I’ve already spoken with FIT and they are willing to give you credits for working with us. You could finish schooling by this spring completely. Work for us full time. Think about it.”

The small crowd dispersed to their respective offices, leaving Dan to head back to his hotel room. He felt like he was spinning. All of this was happening so fast. It almost sounded fake. But as soon as he got on his laptop, Dan found an email sitting in his inbox explaining the job in detail. His eyes almost fell out of his head when he saw the salary. That was a price tag Dan didn’t even know if he deserved. He skimmed the main points. 

_Staying in Paris would be optimal for the Fall Fashion Week as that is where the company board is based during the summer. New employees are highly suggested to locate to Paris for a six month interlude._  

Dan reread the lines in disbelief. He couldn’t wrap his head around it but he decided he would think about six months in Paris later. This was his dream job. At a company well-renowned across the world. It wasn’t like Dan could just turn this down.

Dan ran his hands across the luxurious comforter draping on his huge bed. He and Phil were Skyping.

“They offered me a full-time job. Like an actual proper fashion designer job,” Dan said softly. Phil gazed back at him through the webcam lovingly.

“That’s crazy! Congratulations. Told you they would love you.” Phil looked positively radiant on Dan’s screen. He looked away.

“Yeah. Wild right? They are even thinking of speeding up my degree and having me graduate this spring.”

“Are you gonna do it?”

“I mean…It’s been my dream since forever. And it’s so close I can taste it,” Dan laughed breathlessly. Unbelievingly. “I can’t understand why me. I mean my stats are pretty nice but…I’m just a kid. I’m nervous.”

“You’re a smart and creative and talented. Of course they would want you,” Phil’s voice coursed with fondness. “Take the job, Dan. It’ll be amazing.”

“I don’t want to be a flop.” _I don’t want to leave you for six months_. “It’s like a big step in my future. I’m only twenty.” Dan picked the comforter. It must have been real silk or something.

“And you’re ready for it,” Phil watched Dan. “And where are you gonna go after this year anyways? You’re already taking the top classes. Senior year will leave you with no classes of use. C’mon, I know you’ve been wanting this forever. What’s holding you back?”

_You_. “Nothing, I guess,” Dan smiled hollowly. The six months in Paris weren’t even on the tip of Dan’s tongue. They were shoved in the back of Dan’s throat and he couldn’t dislodge them. He figured it was a hurdle he would jump at a later time.

Dan says yes to the job on the last day of the trip. The board members all shake his hand and then he’s being shipped back to America. Phil meets Dan with kisses peppered above collars at the airport and deeper and lower ones back at the apartment. Everything goes back to normal.

Phil’s birthday was on a Monday. It was pretty cold as Dan waited outside the office Phil worked at and he tugged his excessively fluffy hat tighter onto his head. Most of the heavy snow they had received that winter had melted away, leaving mini melting snow piles at street corners and bitter winds. Dan shuffled around on his feet, trying to get some feeling back into them. He knew he was just being anal-retentive but he kept checking his phone and seeing it was a four minutes past six in the evening. Dan sighed a cloud into the cold air. Phil promised he would be out by six. It was his birthday after all.

It was seven minutes past six when Phil finally emerged from the building. His eyes lit up at the sight of the frosty Dan rubbing his hands together.

“Took you bloody long enough,” Dan grumbled, pulling Phil by the wrist into a solid hug. “We’ve got some celebrating to do!”

“What? This morning wasn’t celebration enough?” Phil smirked and received a small shove from a pink Dan.

“No! You’re turning twenty-five. Fucking old man,” Dan dodged Phil’s shoulder meant to nudge him. He was giggling and the cold air was sharp in his lungs. He didn’t care but settled for a wide smile. “Gonna splurge on you today--”

“Nasty.”

“--Get your head out of the gutter! Anyways, I’m thinking Chinese takeout and a few friends I rounded up totally not last minute.”

“Sounds perfect.”

Their hands were tightly entwined and Dan could feel some warmth kicking into his system once again. It sort of sucked that Phil’s work was only a few blocks away from their apartment and didn’t warrant a taxi ride. But it did give Dan an excuse to latch onto Phil even tighter and eliminate the space between them even more. Body heat was important.

Around seven, a few of Phil’s close friends started to arrive. Dan patted himself on the back for being a resourceful boyfriend and Facebook stalking Phil to message all his closest friends. Thankfully more than a few had brought along some sort of alcohol. Dan didn’t want to admit it but splurging on Phil meant buying him a present and takeout. Not alcohol which proved to be a little too expensive for Dan. Also illegal for him buying it in the first place.

The night went on smoothly. Dan even saved a vase--why was it always the vase--from falling after be hit by an unknowing guest. Even though most of Phil’s friends were there, Phil stuck to Dan’s side. They were a pair now. And everyone could tell. Maybe it was the way Phil’s hand was at the small of Dan’s back. Or Dan confidently leaning over to whisper a remark about the party in Phil’s ear. Dan didn’t know. But it was clear everyone sensed their relationship. It was intoxicating.

“It’s going well, right?” Dan grinned next to Phil’s ear.

“It’s going great,” Phil murmured back. “You’re great.”

“Thanks, babe.” Dan swirled his glass that had only a splash of wine left in it. Dan watched the party, snug in the muted yellow light and laughter. He felt like he had a home. And it was with Phil.

Phil’s friends filtered out of the apartment over the next few hours. Apparently birthday gifts for adults only consisted of moderately priced wine and gift cards to boring stores. But that didn’t deter Phil from being excited. Dan shook his head and joked Phil wouldn’t need to buy alcohol for the next six months.

They were only barely tipsy and sitting on the couch. Dan’s hand found a comfortable place on Phil’s thigh and Phil’s head on Dan’s shoulder. Dan was humming a song he was making up as he was going along and it was quiet. Not silent. He was grateful and relieved for it.

“I forgot to give you your proper present from me,” Dan said absentmindedly.

“You really didn’t have to get me anything.” But Dan could see the perk to the side of Phil’s mouth and knew he was happy Dan had.

“‘M too lazy to go and get it though,” Dan leaned into Phil more. The hand that had been on Phil’s thigh was now trying to catch Phil’s hand. They flew around a bit in a playful chase but Dan eventually caught Phil and laced their hands together. He traced the veins decorating Phil’s hand.

“Get the gift, Dan,” Phil whined, raising his eyes to smile up at him.

“I can just tell you what I got,” Dan shrugged. “It’s like a piece of paper. You don’t really need to open it.”

“Your ass is so lazy,” Phil rolled his eyes.

“You love my ass.”

“I can love it. Don’t have to like it.”

“If I move to get your gift you’re losing a hand to hold and a nice headrest.”

“Okay,” Phil toyed with Dan’s hand. “Stay. Just tell me.”

“Got us tickets to see _Book of Mormon_ ,” Dan moved to look at Phil’s face. “It’s like the hottest ticket on Broadway right now.”

Phil shifted to cup Dan’s face and kiss him light and soft. “You shouldn’t have. You’re the best.” Lips were skating Dan’s jaw and resting on his earlobe. “Thanks, babe.”

“You’re welcome.” Dan nuzzled into Phil’s neck and placed some kisses on the tender stretch of his shoulder. “The show is next Sunday.”

“Okay, sounds like a date.” Phil’s hand detached from Dan’s and slid to hold Dan’s thigh subtly.

“I’d hope it is. Paid enough for it.” The smart quip was dulled with a gasp at Phil nipping behind his ear. They were touching only sparingly but Dan’s breath was already a tiny bit uneven. “Want to celebrate some more?” The words were placed between kisses.

“Definitely,” was smirked against Dan’s lips.

“Love you.”

“Love you more.”

February was difficult. It wasn’t as cold, but it was difficult. Dan was thrown into a rigorous schedule. Once he had accepted the job, the school and company found it in his best interest to graduate by the first week of March. His professors were accelerating his courses so he was doing double the work to finish by that deadline. If he wasn’t at classes, he was working to get as many hours at the company as possible for enough credits to graduate. Dan was kicked out of the fashion company’s New York City facility by the janitor every night at nine. He always got home to Phil by 9:30 PM but usually got sent to sleep immediately because Phil could always see how fucking exhausted Dan was. So their time was even more limited together. It was sleeping and waking up together before one of them rushed off to their obligations for the day.

Beaulieu took pity on Dan as she saw the constant stress he was under. She remarked that she had never seen a student carry such a workload. She even allowed Dan to use her main teaching studio for sewing or writing papers or studying for exams because she knew the work rooms for students during the day were always noisy and distracting. But Beaulieu didn’t let up with the small fashion line due by the end of the semester. Or rather by the beginning of March. Dan turned in the four garments he had completed early. He was incredibly proud of how he had gotten the stitching right and he wished he could see the pieces on some models. But Dan wasn’t going to even see the fashion show anyways.

Maybe February was difficult because six months in Paris hung over Dan’s head. It was a heavy secret but it also made his heart swoop with excitement. He hadn’t told anyone yet besides his mum over a Skype call. She had squealed and asked if his cute boyfriend knew yet. Dan shrugged it off and told her more about the company. He felt a little more guilt every time Phil hip bumped him while moving around the kitchen making breakfast or said ‘I love you’ or even looked Dan’s way. But it felt like his body was preventing him from mentioning the six months. Dan knew that was just an excuse for his cowardice. He decided he would just ask the company if he could stay in New York City. Eventually.

Maybe February was difficult because Dan realized he wanted to go to Paris.

March happened upon Dan quickly and the fashion company offered another week in Paris to work at the headquarters and get used to it before staying for six months. He said yes without thinking. At a second thought he asked if he could bring along a guest. A holiday in Paris with Phil sounded nice. Even if Phil didn’t exactly know the pretense of the whole trip.

“You sure they’re fine with me coming?” Phil asked, sitting opposite of Dan on the couch.

“Yeah, of course,” Dan shrugged. “They said they would pay for you and everything. Want me to work for them too badly to say no.” Dan grinned and shook his shoulders in faux pompousness.

“Cool. It would be nice to spend some alone time with you,” Phil said. The words fell blank and white.

Dan nudged Phil’s thigh with his foot. “We spend time together.”

“It wish it could be more.”

Dan stared at the wall. “Me too.” It was silent. “The trip would be the week after my graduation. Is that okay?”

“S’fine.” It was a yes but it was short and clipped and not what Dan wanted.

Soon enough, Dan was handed a diploma with very little pomp and circumstance. No one else was graduating with him so it was just a white-walled room with Beaulieu and the president of FIT giving him a brief congratulations. Phil was also there, standing against the wall awkwardly as he smiled widely at Dan.

Dan peered at the diploma. It wasn’t so much a diploma as it was a piece of paper framed in a nice leather book-type thing. This was what the past three years had culminated to? Or at least that was the point of it? Moving to New York City and all? Maybe that had been the previous point. Of course fashion was still extremely fulfilling for Dan, but it felt like it wasn’t just his dreams tying himself to this city. It was his friends. It was Phil. It was his home. He smiled inwardly at the thought.

Once Dan and Phil were out of the building, Phil scooped Dan up in his arms and spun him around, chest to back. The world blurred around them. Dan laughed and remembered the same moment after Phil graduated.

Phil stopped their spinning and just rested his chin on Dan’s shoulder. “You’re some type of prodigy, Howell. Not even legal to drink! How are we ever going to celebrate your imminent success in the adult world!” Phil pecked the tip of Dan’s ear.

“Dunno, Lester. Can’t think of a single thing to do.”

“Well, I can,” Phil turned Dan around and held both his hands. They were both smiling so big and lovely Dan was sure they were in a painting or old photograph. He wanted to reach up and brush the loose strands that had fallen from Phil’s fringe. He wanted to kiss Phil senseless and run away into the stars. He wanted to be with Phil forever. He was swept out of his reverie by Phil’s voice. “I booked a really nice Thai place. Wanted to treat you. You’ve worked so hard. You deserve it.”

“Sounds good.”

The day felt like any other, really. But a better day because Dan got to spend it with Phil. Somehow talking to Phil always felt refreshing. Being around Phil felt like a quick breath in the world that was constantly spinning for Dan. He had no clue how he had managed to finish his classes and earn enough credits to graduate in the small space of a month. Of course he’d already had almost all his credits by then but it still was a shock to the system. Everything was going so fast and a simple, albeit fairly expensive, meal with Phil was a welcome pause.

Early March was surprisingly warm for early March. The thought crossed Dan’s mind as Phil was pressing him down into their bed. They were supposed to be packing for Paris. A week’s trip. Should not have been that hard to pack for but Phil shouted that he needed help with finding socks which lead to Dan rolling his eyes and leaning around Phil to help him search which lead to terrible flirting on Phil’s part (Dan wouldn’t admit he was reciprocating the cheesy lines) which lead to them landing on the bed instead of packing. It was all very teenage-romance-movie-esque. Phil was laughing into Dan’s skin with practiced ease. Dan was pulling at Phil’s shirt without restraint. It was almost perfect.

Almost. Everything had gone so fast that Dan hadn’t told Phil about Paris still. Well, maybe not that fast. Dan knew he had plenty of moments to tell Phil. But he didn’t have the guts to. So maybe the trip they were taking would be good. The six months would have to be brought up some way.

Dan knew it was foolish to hope Phil might want to stay with him in Paris. But they were in love. They were in love because Dan knew the exact number of steps it took to climb to their apartment. They were in love because Phil gaged by the number of times Dan fixed his hair how nervous he was. They were in love because Dan drank directly from the orange juice carton and Phil let him get away with it. They were in love because Phil would get home from work and tell Dan about the new computers not turning on without it sounding boring. They were in love because Dan had lost count of the kisses they had shared but each one felt like the first. They were in love because Phil had just nibbled on the spot resting between Dan’s neck and shoulder and still managed to make Dan gasp. They were in love because Phil was taking a week off to go to Paris with Dan. They were in love. What else could Dan hope?

So Dan kissed Phil harder and hoped.

The flight to Paris was uneventful, besides Dan unfortunately tripping right before a bout of turbulence shook the plane. Phil pretended he didn’t know Dan but later teased him, of course softened with a kiss on the cheek. But the jet lag was pretty horrific and they couldn’t even take in the amazing view from their hotel room before collapsing onto a bed.

Dan woke to Phil shuffling around and light flooding the room. He rubbed his eyes and looked around. The fashion house had definitely dished them out. There was crown moulding trailing the ceiling and walls. Large French windows lining one wall overlooked Paris in all her glory and the gauzy curtains swayed pleasantly, muting the brilliant azure sky. Phil had opened a few windows and was leaning out of one. Dan watched him thoughtfully.

Of course Dan could still appreciate the aesthetics that came along with Phil. His deliciously long legs and the dip in between his shoulders and always dazzling smile didn’t go unnoticed. Dan remembered how beautiful Phil was when he first met him and all the times after that. But Dan also remembered how those hands had just been pretty to look at, not something he held onto for support. Everything about Phil had been objectively wonderful. But back then, he’d just been a body that was nice to look at. Now Dan looked at Phil and saw his best friend, his other half. He saw tangled limbs and kisses to the napes of necks. He saw all his favorite tv shows and trying to bake cookies. He saw a million memories in one person. Phil was all the moments they spent together in one tangible body. It was dizzying.

Phil noticed Dan was up and moved to sit next to him on the bed, smiling through his glasses. Dan didn’t know why Phil didn’t wear them more often and mumbled such as he brushed some stray hairs away from Phil’s eyes. Phil batted Dan’s hand away and leaned down to rest on his chest.

“What time is it?”

“A little past two in the afternoon,” Phil’s voice vibrated against Dan’s heart.

“It’s too late to do anything.”

“It’s really not.”

“But I just want to stay here with you,” Dan moaned and caught Phil’s hand trailing his wrist.

“Me too.”

Dan heard a few cars rumble faintly down on the street. He guessed their hotel room was really far up but he couldn’t remember from last night. The quiet lazily propped itself on the small chandelier that refracted the sunlight into dashes of rainbow. It was a sweet silence made up of Phil’s breathing and fiddling with the hem of Dan’s shirt absentmindedly. Dan tried to match his breathing but he couldn’t sync up with him for some reason. It was a little game Dan was content with playing until Phil mumbled about ordering room service lunch into his ribcage.

The day passed just like that. It was a refreshing break from the fast-paced lives Dan and Phil had gotten used to. They explored the massive hotel suite they had been given. It seemed to span forever. They found an entire room dedicated to two connected lavish bathrooms they were sure were bigger than half their apartment in New York City. There were multiple lounges decorated with paintings that looked too expensive and couches made of luxurious fabrics. Phil started testing out all the carpets and rating which ones were the most comfortable. 

They laughed when they found the second bedroom on the other side of what seemed like half the floor. They chalked it up to Dan not specifying he was in a relationship with the man we was bringing on the weeklong trip or the intense generosity of the company. 

Phil joked that they would never have enough time in the week to properly try out all the rooms while raising his eyebrows suggestively. This was met with a shove from Dan then a whispered, “We’d better start early.”

The rest of the day was all laughter and regulating their heartbeats to remember each other fully. Dinner was room service again with an order of wine. Dan suggested they sit by the huge windows. He liked the view and the feeling of smallness that came along with it. They didn’t have that back at the apartment, the floor was too short to get a view other than the opposite building. The sky was already watercolored with dark blues and purples as the remnants of sunset faded. Dan tried to spot stars in the sky but the city emitted too much light for it to be an actual possibility.

“I’ve been missing you, you know?” Phil had already downed a glass of wine. Dan never told Phil this but he knew Phil was an emotional drunk. Phil emotions didn’t exactly increase but he voiced them more. He was always some sort of guarded. Even around Dan, although not as much as with everyone else. Dan liked it when Phil started saying exactly what he was feeling. Phil took another sip and giggled. “Can’t wait until we can get back home and spend more time together. I know school was important and all but the time spent away from you really sucked.”

Dan’s throat caught. Six months. “Yeah? Bet you just missed my pretty ass.”

“Nah, just your pretty face.”

“Shut up.” The words were laced with happiness and a grin.

“It just feels like we never have time.”

Dan inwardly winced at the simple words. Phil wanted time, that’s all he wanted. “Yeah.”

“We can spend time together this week, yeah?” Phil tilted his head questioningly. “Jus’ you and me? Your work won’t take you away too much right?

“Right.”

They fell asleep under dimmed lights and the sound of cars rolling down the street.

* * *

The next few days were bright. Dan found out he was only needed in the office for three hours in the morning so he and Phil were able to escape to as many tourist traps as possible. Phil found the Eiffel Tower especially delightful and Dan rolled his eyes when they kissed overlooking the city. He secretly loved it.

It was as if the past few months hadn’t happened. The time they hadn’t had together didn’t cross their minds while Dan freaked out over the bridge from _Inception_ or at the Hall of Mirrors or in between the expensive hotel sheets. It didn’t feel like making up lost time, it felt like making new time. When the cool light days made way for hot and heavy nights it felt like their time was never going to end. 

Of course Dan worried secretly. Vacation was nice until he would be forced to tell Phil about the six months away from New York City. Their home. Dan had obsessively counted the days and it was about 180 days not with Phil. And Phil didn’t even know about it yet.

The mornings filled Dan with guilt. He usually woke at nine to an alarm or a little earlier by Phil for less innocent reasons. And being with Phil always felt right whether it was sleeping next to each other or ignoring morning breath with blowjobs. Dan could almost convince himself that he could forsake his new job for staying with Phil in the city. But then Dan would go to the fashion house headquarters and be enveloped neatly into his second love. He wasn’t even technically working, more rather meeting some of the designers on the floor working on their next lines or touring the building or bumming off with some interns in the coffee room. And signing contracts for the next few months. So when he returned to Phil at their hotel room right as the afternoon started, Dan felt a little worn. He felt stretched thin between the two things he loved most and he didn’t want to be.

The last day of the weeklong trip happened too quickly. Although time didn’t feel like it was passing for Dan and Phil, it inevitably had. The company emailed Dan he didn’t have to come in that day; to enjoy himself. They were going to see him in a little over a week anyways.

Sleepy kisses pressed to his jaw and cheek slowly kneaded Dan awake. He squinted his eyes warmly at the blue ones remembering every freckle on Dan’s face. Dan stretched like a cat and grinned. “Hey.”

Phil kissed Dan’s nose. “Hey.”

A hand was tracing the back of Dan’s thigh softly. Dan got the hint and straddled Phil. Or rather laid on top of him and hid in the crook of Phil’s neck. He could have fallen asleep right there.

Phil rubbed the small of his back gently. Dan could hear some birds tweeting outside their window.

Dan moved his head to spatter pecks along Phil’s cheekbones. He was met with silent laughter rumbling against his chest and lips moving against his neck with words Dan wasn’t catching. The edges of Phil’s face were wallpapered with a thin layer of stubble. Dan reached up and traced Phil’s face because he liked how his fingerpads caught on the rough patches. They were so effortless.

“What do you wanna do today?” Dan’s voice was rounded with sleep.

“What do _you_ wanna do?” Phil toyed with the top of Dan’s boxers. It was an innocent gesture but it made Dan blush all the same. He was embarrassed Phil still affected him so much but he couldn’t help it.

Dan rested his head back on Phil’s chest, contemplating what they could do. They should pack or something, he reasoned. The clock read it was only ten in the morning. Dan’s ear was pressed to Phil’s heart and he could hear it solidly beating. “Wanna go to a museum, yeah? Be pretentious even though we know shit about art. A small museum though. Don’ want any crowds.”

“Sounds good. How about we order some of those orgasmic crepes from room service for breakfast?” Phil said, gazing out the window. Dan nodded but they didn’t move to call room service for another thirty minutes.

Dan found a small museum on a brief sojourn through some tourist websites. There was an exhibit featuring a bunch of Monet’s and since that was the only artist Dan could remember besides Van Gogh from his mandatory art history class in freshman year, he thought it was the best bet.

They walked a few blocks to the museum, hands loosely tangled together. It felt pretty. Dan liked the way a delicious smell from a bakery wafted into the street and how glass displays in storefronts showed small trinkets. He liked the way he could feel Phil’s breathing even when just holding hands because Phil couldn’t help his shoulders from moving with his breaths. He liked they way his lungs felt cleared and his mind didn’t feel like anything could go wrong.

The museum was pleasant. Dan acted as if he knew something about art and commented on the styles although he really only studied form for his fashion croquis. Phil dragged Dan around to every painting he found enjoyable and they would stare at it shoulder-to-shoulder until Phil glanced at another painting he liked and repeated the cycle. The afternoon fell like a summer mist around them, accented in sunlight and cream walls.

Phil suggested dinner after he heard Dan’s stomach bemoan his hunger for the sixth time even though it was only five o’clock. Dan gratefully agreed and they traipsed thin alleyways to find a suitable place to eat. They settled on a quiet hole-in-the-wall restaurant with a small door that drifted slightly in the breeze. It had gotten cooler and Dan found Phil’s cardigan around him without even asking.

The food wasn’t all that great compared to some of the other meals they’d treated themselves to that week but the conversation alone was enough to keep the night going. Flirting with Phil was always fun but it was somehow more fun while they were dating. Dan loved the coy chase that ended in the security of Phil always falling back into him every time and vice versa. And he couldn’t help blushing when Phil told him he looked pretty.

It was a tipsy stumble back to the hotel room. Dan found himself pressed up against a cool brick wall with hot kisses burning into his neck. He rolled his eyes at their neediness then gasped as Phil pushed and lightly grinded his hips into his. Phil was whispering words they shouldn’t be able to say in public. Words were caught deliciously in Dan’s throat, transforming into inarticulate soft moans.

Dan couldn’t help but remember that first night they had together. The situation was so similar. He was once again pressed up against a wall by Phil. But this time they were in love. 

Not that Dan wasn’t already smitten with Phil back then--Dan had been head over heels. But now Phil was clutching Dan’s thin shirt, strung up with rose decals held by dark translucent fabric and Dan wasn’t unsure or nervous around Phil anymore. Dan smirked as he realized he was wearing a similar shirt to that night too. He had grown out of that top though, as he had grown out of the false confidence it gave him. The bravado he felt in it was wonderful but he had reverted back to his shy self in the morning, evident by his leaving Phil. Dan realized he was completely confident in himself now, in his abilities, in his love for Phil. He whined as Phil nipped at his neck, pulling him effectively out of his thoughts. 

Phil. Phil. Phil.

Somehow they had convinced themselves to wait until they got to the hotel room. They were only a block away but Dan found it difficult to keep his hands off Phil as the streetlights calmly reflected off his shoulders.

Phil. Phil. Phil.

The lift was too short for Dan’s tastes. Phil had to back away once the doors opened, leaving Dan breathless against the gold-plated wall. He knew he must have looked wild. His hair must have been messy with hands streaming through it. His eyes must have been wide as he took all of Phil in. His mouth must have been wet and red. His breath was so irregular his heart was beating through his entire body.

Phil. Phil. Phil.

Dan didn’t notice the click of the door when Phil kicked it back after tracing the tender skin resting just above his trousers. There was still a sheer shirt in between his and Phil’s skin and Dan wanted all the space to be gone. Dan eagerly hooked his wrists together behind Phil’s neck, pulling him closer. Their eyes matched with wanting looks. They wanted so much. They wanted.

“You are my favorite,” Phil’s mouth grazed Dan’s. His hands had found their way under Dan’s shirt. Phil brushed a line down Dan’s happy trail with one hand and rested the other against the top of Dan’s jeans right on his hip. Dan could feel every circle Phil traced like a bolt of electricity under his skin.

Dan tried to suck in a breath that wasn’t there. “I’d hope so. Be fucking horrible if I wasn’t.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Dan leaned into the millimeters separating their lips only to be met with air. Phil pulled back and smirked before turning and walking casually through the open door to their room. Dan huffed. “You’re such a tease!”

Dan heard Phil’s short breathy laugh as he followed dutifully into the bedroom. He leaned against the doorframe, watching Phil pull open the curtains. The night sky was a dull grey with the city lights bouncing off it. A few strands of moonlight graced the walls.

“Want all of Paris to see us fuck?” Dan smirked, a giggle betraying the composure he had somewhat gotten back. He could still feel Phil’s hands in his hair.

“No!” Phil shot him an indignant look as he opened the last curtain. “Want to actually see you when we make love.”

Dan swayed over to Phil. Car headlights passed below them and across Phil’s chest while Dan tried to catch them. Dan smiled widely. “Make love? Really?”

“I’m trying to be romantic!” Phil’s eyes danced as he gazed back at Dan. They could both feel the bareness of looking and being looked at in return, but their eyes held a comfortable weight, tying them together. Phil’s hands were on Dan’s waist. He could feel them burning into his sides.

Dan quickly pecked at Phil’s mouth. “You are being romantic. I’m just being a little shit.”

“You’re right.”

Their laughter was cut off by each other, lips exploring very well-known territory. Dan didn’t blush when he quietly moaned when Phil lightly passed the skin by his belt. He didn’t blush when hands were heaving his thin shirt off. He didn’t blush when there was a mouth kissing down his chest or when he felt his jeans being pulled down. He _did_ blush when Phil came back up and whispered, “I love you.” 

It sounded like a promise of sunlight days and sunset dinners and stormy afternoons and starry nights and forever. Forever was Phil. 

Phil. Phil. Phil.

Phil made his way back down Dan’s body. Dan was pretty sure he was going to faint. His head felt feathery with knowing only he got to see Phil like this. Phil was only like this for him. His jeans and boxers were off now. Where had his shirt gone? Dan didn’t know, much less, care. Phil was on his knees, peering up at Dan and smiling bright and easy and Dan really didn’t know if he could ever be so in love with another person. More cars passed hundreds of feet beneath them.

“Oh god. I’m naked in front of all of Paris right now,” Dan said, really not caring as Phil started kissing his left hip.

“Do you want to move, babe?” The words were breathed heavily into the soft skin stretching the inside of Dan’s thighs. Phil was going to be the death of him.

“Maybe,” Dan choked out, closing his eyes as Phil started to press hard kisses to his thigh. “I don’t think I’ll be able to stand a-anyways.”

“Lean against the wall then.”

Dan all but collapsed against the wall, a high-pitched whine escaping his throat as Phil kept showing off how much he could tear Dan apart. A hickey was blooming on Dan’s right hip as Phil licked a stripe up Dan’s cock. Phil’s lips wrapped around him and he let out a strangled sigh. Dan looked down and noticed Phil was still wearing clothes. Something ached at the back of his throat and he tilted his head against the cool wall at the thought, knowing he was probably being a little too loud. His hands found black hair and threaded through it. Phil’s mouth bobbed at a painfully slow pace, dragging Dan to the edge patiently. Firecrackers were going off under Dan’s eyelids and the sparks were landing in his bloodstream, making his whole body shine. He felt a tug in his abdomen and pulled Phil off him, a thin string of saliva still connected to his lips.

“Need to stop. Want you to fuck me.” Dan was surprised he could even get that out.

Phil stood up and kissed him hard. Dan played with the top button of Phil’s shirt, skimming over the stubble on his neck then back to the smooth fabric. Dan stayed pressed against the wallpaper with Phil’s hair tickling his cheek. There was a good chance Dan would have a mark he wouldn’t be able to cover up in the morning.

“Bed.”

Dan just about threw himself onto it, bouncing slightly amongst the pillows. He watched as Phil stripped himself of his shirt, buttons reflecting dully in the moonlight, and swallowed. Dan hummed with heat and energy radiating out from inside him. Phil flicked his hair away so he could smirk up at Dan, shrugging the shirt off his shoulders. He took his trousers and underwear off together and joined Dan on the bed, crowding him up against the plush comforter.

All Dan could feel was the heat between them, panting against damp skin and hands shaping around each other’s bodies. Phil dove into the crook of his neck and started nipping and sucking earnestly. Dan closed his eyes and laced his fingers with Phil’s, arching his back when he felt Phil’s free hand travelling down his stomach. The sheets were too rumpled and hot against Dan’s back but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Phil. Phil. Phil.

Phil ground down between Dan’s open legs, eliciting a gasp from Dan and an obscenity from Phil. Dan reached up to brush the hair away from his eyes, hooking his hand behind Phil’s neck and pulling him down for a kiss. It was soft and so delicate Dan wanted to cry. Phil kissed with care and a quiet reverence, careful and concise, teasing and present. Dan was so in love his heart wanted to shatter.

The kisses soon gave way to heavy breathing as they rutted against each other in a practiced motion. Everything about this was familiar but Dan couldn’t get enough. He dug his nails into Phil’s arm, gasps becoming more and more apparent.

“Love it when I can get you like this,” Phil whispered the secret against his collarbone.

Dan could only nod and tug Phil’s hair to kiss him again. Words failed him. He just gripped Phil harder and hoped he got the message.

After what could have been an eternity or thirty seconds later--Dan was too far gone to tell--Phil was slicking up his fingers with the lube sat on the right side table of the bed for the entire week. Dan turned his head to the side and could see all of Paris laid out before him. The city glittered with an unknown curiosity. Dan ached thinking about the fact he had shared this week, this place, with Phil.

A, “You ready?” was murmured against Dan’s chest and an eager nod followed. Dan keened as one finger entered him. He could never get used to the initial feeling, no matter how much he loved the end result. Phil seemed to read his mind and distracted Dan with hummingbird kisses down his torso. Dan grinned and tangled his hands in the sheets when a second finger came. This time Phil found his prostate with a curl of his fingers and sent Dan spiralling into a bout of moans. Dan tossed his head, trying to find some leverage on the bed. He knew his cheeks must be as red as roses.

Dan almost screamed as Phil added a third finger, pleasure overwhelming the inevitable burn. Dan was pretty sure he was canting Phil’s name without abandon but he couldn’t hear himself over the waves crashing in his ears and Phil’s words caressing his mouth.

“Fuck me.”

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

“God, just shut up,” Dan’s words were punctuated with a rough kiss. “Just fuck me, you dork.”

“Hey! That’s no way to talk to the man that’s about to fuck you,” Phil pouted, eyes glinting with silent laughter.

Dan giggled. “Just kiss me.”

“Love you.”

“So much.”

With that Phil slicked himself up, moaning at the attention. Dan bit his lip as he realized Phil had been completely focused on him. God, he was so in love.

Phil pushed in slowly. So slow it felt like that first time back in a sunlit room in Manchester. Phil rested his forehead against Dan’s as he bottomed out, both emitting quiet sighs. Dan could feel all of Phil and he smiled with his eyes closed, pecking at Phil’s lips. They weren’t moving and all they could hear were the cars on the street below and somewhere in the room there must have been a clock ticking.

Phil started gently and it almost frustrated Dan. He wanted it rougher, something to forget everything that was coming. Six months. Dan scratched Phil’s back needily. Please. Please. Please. Please.

Soon Phil was pounding into him with more rigor. The bed was slightly creaking under them and Dan was too loud for their own good. The delicious feeling of skin on skin lit fireworks inside them. Phil was holding one of Dan’s thighs higher, gaining a better angle and soon both of them were panting in unison. The room felt too damn hot even though Dan could see the cool breeze from outside filter through the thin curtains. The chandelier hung prettily past the edge of the bed, catching some echoes of the noise they were making.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck,” Dan breathed hard. Phil was planting open-mouthed kisses on Dan’s neck and Dan knew there was an 80% chance he was going to die from pleasure. “I’m gonna--”

Phil bit Dan’s neck in reply and Dan was coming hard, curling in on himself and Phil. His legs fell limp as Phil thrusted two more times before coming, riding out his orgasm with small rolls of his hips. Dan pressed his lips together as Phil pulled out, feeling a little empty and the thin burn left behind. Phil’s arm found its way over Dan’s waist, tugging them closer together.

“I love you,” Phil mumbled sleepily against the pillows, eyes already fighting to stay open.

“I’ll love you forever. And ever,” Dan said without thinking. He blushed and he didn’t think Phil really heard it, but it was the truth. His whole life had moulded with Phil. And it wasn’t just an expensive trip to Paris they didn’t have to pay for that proved it. Dan knew it was Sunday bedsheets and Phil bringing coffee to them in bed as rain pattered against their window. Dan knew it was the aftershave Phil used that he said he didn’t like but kept because he knew Dan loved it. Dan knew it was struggling to stay awake so they knew how each other’s days went. Dan knew it was more than he could think of so he just smiled and moved so he could get a better view of Phil’s face.

Phil already seemed asleep but Dan was still buzzing. The moonlight shone off of Phil’s pale skin. Dan laughed to himself that Phil was his moon. Almost unattainable and bright and shiny and mysterious and beautiful. Dan stayed fascinated with the spattering of birthmarks spread across Phil’s skin. Like mini constellations or pinpoints on a map. Dan traced one of the birthmarks just on Phil’s shoulder. He connected it to one below his sternum. Tokyo to Hollywood. Dan giggled and made it a game. Clavicle to stomach. Berlin to Chicago. Arm to hip. Sydney to London. Shoulder to shoulder. New York to Paris.

Dan blinked and found tears hovering in his eyelashes. Six months.

Phil was now fast asleep. He was so gorgeous this way. So open and calm. His breath fanned lightly against Dan’s cheeks.

Phil. Phil. Phil.

* * *

It was uncomfortably balmy in the morning. Phil had left the bed in hopes of getting them coffee before Dan woke. But Dan grasped at blank white sheets and huffed when Phil came back.

“What? I got you coffee,” Phil smiled as he handed Dan a peace offering of caffeine.

“Why are you so awake?” Dan’s voice was painted with a dry coat of sleep. ”You’re never so chipper back home.”

“Maybe it’s the Parisian air,” Phil made a show of taking in a deep breath.

Dan nudged Phil’s thigh with his own. “You’re full of shit.”

“You’re right. I just wanted to have loads of sex with you this morning. That’s why I woke up so early.”

“Philip Lester? Trying to get me into bed? How scandalous,” Dan said in a sarcastic lilt. The sound of birds wings flapping away off the roof filled the quiet. Dan looked outside to see the sun bound off the windows. It was a kaleidoscope view.

“Already got you here,” Phil kissed Dan’s ear triumphantly. Dan couldn’t help but blush.

It was an hour later with sound-filled quiet and short conversations when they realized they had to pack for the flight boarding at eight. It felt a little too hot for Dan’s liking and he opened the windows but there didn’t seem to be any breeze. His natural waved hair started to curl at the minimal task of throwing his clothes haphazardly into his suitcase. The shirt from last night was left wrinkled on the floor and Dan winced at what the dry cleaning cost was bound to be. The commotion of construction vehicles could be heard from down the street. Somehow that day felt less magical than the rest of the week had been.

Dan swallowed. His throat was so dry.

The packing was finished hours before they had to leave. Something about Dan has always been extraordinarily late for everything they have to do and Phil really wanting to get back to New York City in time, thank you very much. Dan was sat on the bed staring at the crown moulding decorating the edges of the ceiling. It was too hot.

Phil flopped down next to him. He almost flinched.

“This week has been great but I’m so happy to go back home. No idea I would miss it so much,” Phil’s hand found Dan’s.

Dan almost threw up because he didn’t miss home. And six months was a time bomb tucked neatly under his thin shirt. His voice was raspy. “Really? Didn’t miss it too much, if I’m honest.”

“I mean I didn’t miss it so much. ‘Cause, you’re already most of my home.”

Dan’s lips were going to be bitten raw. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Phil. I’ve got something to tell you.” Sirens were whirring in Dan’s head. No no no no no. He shouldn’t be doing this. But he was.

“What?” Phil tilted his head towards Dan, smiling in a way that blinded Dan. He was going to be sick.

Dan detached his hand from Phil’s. That much he could do. Maybe it would hurt less. “Well… The fashion house. They...” Why was there a crease between Phil’s eyes? Dan was going to cry. His chest weighed so much. He couldn’t look at Phil. “They want me to be in Paris. For six months.”

Something froze over Phil’s eyes and suddenly it was all Dan could look at. “For when?” The words sounded easy but Dan could see the squared shoulders and Phil’s throat bobbing dangerously. This wasn’t supposed to be happening.

“In like. Two weeks.” The words were so choked Dan couldn’t tell if Phil heard them correctly. Shit. His body felt like it was caving in on itself and his walls were crumbling but no one could see the carnage. Dan stood up on shaky legs. He was too close to Phil for this. Being too close felt like cutting ties right at the core. He didn’t want this. He wanted Phil and fashion and love and admiration and he didn’t know why he couldn’t have all of it at once.

Phil sat up. “How long have you known.”

It was too hot.

“A few months.”

“And when were you going to tell me?”

“Never got ‘round to it.” Why were there tears on Dan’s face?

“‘Never got ‘round to it’?” Phil’s voice was the coldest thing in the room. His voice was so steady. “Yeah. Not like living in Paris for six fucking months is something difficult to get ‘round to.”

“Fuck,” Dan clasped his hand over his mouth. His voice wavered so much. “I just. I wanted you to come with me. The company said they were fine with it and I would love living here with you and I need to do this job I have to take it and I was so scared I didn’t want to lose you and we haven’t even been together for a year. I don’t want to--”

Phil was wearing his best poker face and winning the game. “And what? You just wanted me to give up my life for you? Drop everything to live in Paris?”

“I-I don’t know.” Dan’s face burned. Phil seemed unperturbed by anything that was happening except for the miniscule tremor in his voice only Dan would be able to catch. Dan wanted to bang on Phil’s walls, make him cave in like Dan was doing. He wanted to see it. “Maybe I thought we were in love enough for that. Obviously not.”

“Well you obviously weren’t in love with me enough to let me know about these whole six months.”

“I tried,” Dan’s hands shook as much as his voice. It was so hot.

“Yeah? Well maybe you could have tried harder?”

“I thought--”

“What? That I would leave my job, my friends, my home behind? Just for--” Phil cut himself off and looked down. He looked fractured. His words were slow. “I would do anything for you, Dan. You know that. But I can’t ignore the fact that…you didn’t tell me. That’s a huge breach in trust. Why wouldn’t you tell me? We could have worked something out.”

Dan was breaking. “We can’t work something out now?”

“I don’t know if I can trust you to work something out.”

“I’m sorry. I just…” Dan trailed off. Words built up in his throat angrily. He swiped at his eyes. “I thought I meant something more than this to you. I guess not.”

“You do mean a lot to me,” Phil’s voice raised a bit. The change in reaction made Dan raise his head. When did Phil stand up to face him? Dan wanted to run.

“Apparently not enough.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not?” Dan challenged, staring at Phil.

“Because you can’t expect me to uproot my life! I do have a life outside of you, Dan! I don’t know what you want from me!”

The words were true and Dan knew that but it still hurt. It hurt bad. “Fuck you.”

Phil gazed at Dan, his eyes softening before icing up again. Phil walked past Dan and out of the bedroom. Dan wanted to grab Phil’s wrist but he didn’t. The clock ticked on the wall and it was so damn hot.

A door slammed on the other side of the hotel suite and Dan broke down. The beeping of warning sounds from the construction site down the street permeated the air. Tears seemed to be a permanent fixture on Dan’s face. He viciously wiped at his cheeks, making them ruddier and sting with the salt. That wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

Dan knew there was a love bite or two still visible on his neck. He wanted them off. He wanted to wash away everything Phil. It hurt so much. They were in love. Wasn’t it supposed to wrap up neatly in a bow? Wasn’t it supposed to be a happy ending? Was Dan so broken he just couldn’t manage a happy ending?

The windows were wide. Dan peered out and saw buildings alight with people inside them, mining away in their own lives. He was so small and his voice felt so raw. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t have worked it out. They were in love. It was supposed to work out. He didn’t understand why Phil was on the other side of the hotel suite or why he was going to be across the ocean from Dan in a few weeks. He was so angry. It must have been Phil’s fault that they couldn’t work this out. It must have been at least part of it. Phil was just too stubborn. They were in love. Phil could have moved with Dan. It was only six months. They were in love.

Dan knew he was wrong.

Phil woke Dan up thirty minutes before they had to be at the airport. The air was heavy and so much cooler. Dan didn’t want Phil to see the puffy eyes or tear-stained pillows but he did anyways. Phil looked so collected and Dan thought he hadn’t made any cracks in him. He wanted Phil cracked, broken for him to see and hear and feel. But Phil wasn’t. He didn’t seem to feel anything.

They didn’t speak on their way down to the lobby, multiple suitcases banging down along with them. They didn’t speak on the taxi to the airport. They didn’t speak as they waited for their flight to start boarding. They didn’t speak on the seven hour flight. They didn’t speak when Dan fell asleep on Phil’s shoulder five hours into the flight. They didn’t speak when Dan was shaken awake by turbulence and pretended to keep sleeping to stay on Phil’s shoulder.

The cab driver taking them back to their apartment didn’t let them keep their frozen quiet. He talked about his kids and asked where they had come from and why they were heading to New York and how funny Phil’s accent was. Dan only looked out the window and acted as if he was tuning everything out while he was really soaking in every syllable Phil was saying. The silence had been too long and too much and Dan wanted Phil’s voice to drape over his skin and smother him. He wasn’t speaking to Dan, but he was speaking and that had to be enough. It was all Dan had now.

The anger they both simmered in had been left on the other side of the Atlantic but the fact that Dan would still be living in Paris for six months had solidified between them. Another wall of Phil’s Dan couldn’t seem to get past.

Dan called the fashion house and asked if he could go to Paris a week early. The house was too empty without the inane banter Dan and Phil used to share. It wasn’t that they had kept constant conversation, far from it. But there weren’t small mumbles as a cup of coffee was passed or the odd question about a fact Phil had found online. It wasn’t the quiet Dan was accustomed to. It was silence.

The fashion house had of course said yes, although Dan regretted the call immediately when he hung up. Phil had been out at work. As usual. The silence in the apartment seemed insurmountable and the fact that they shared a bed at night overwhelming and the phone had seemed so inviting at the time. Dan didn’t want to leave Phil earlier than he was scheduled to. He wanted to fix something. Maybe make more noise. Make it anything but silent.

But Dan told Phil later that night he was leaving in three days instead of the ten previously planned over a freezer dinner. Dan noticed the veins in Phil’s hands had become more prominent at the words. Something was fiercely whispered about Dan finally communicating with Phil and how fucking great that was before Phil left the meal he had taken seven bites of. Dan cleaned up alone.

Three days passed painfully and Dan had packed all of his things up. It was weird packing while Phil was out because somehow Dan’s things had morphed into Phil’s and Dan couldn’t tell the difference. 

Dan didn’t tell Phil, but going through their collection of video games and movies took four hours and six meltdowns. Dan didn’t want to take the Final Fantasy plushie Phil had given him two Christmas’ ago because it looked like it belonged on the windowsill. Dan didn’t want to take the Muse vinyls that were technically his because he knew Phil loved them so much. 

Everything was Dan’s and everything was Phil’s and Dan couldn’t divorce the idea of Phil from any of the items that were actually his. Dan didn’t know when their lives had become so intertwined that he couldn’t tell if the pair of boxers he was holding was his or Phil’s. 

He took them anyways.

It was thirty minutes before Dan’s cab was planned to come when the silence broke.

The trees lining the street outside and the white walls were almost too blinding to look at. Dan was checking around the apartment for any loose odds and ends he may have forgotten. Phil was sitting on the sofa and staring out of a window.

“Hope your flight’s good.”

Dan didn’t want that. It felt like a week since actually talking to Phil. And Phil came back with a mild pleasantry a random acquaintance would say. He wanted to throw up.

“Thanks.” The next few minutes was Dan shoving the last shirt he could find into his suitcase. Not that he would ever tell Phil but it was one of his.

“I wish you had told me.” Dan could tell how sad Phil’s eyes looked from his voice. It felt more than he could take.

“Told you what?” Why was Dan still mad? His anger coiled slowly around his neck. He was standing in front of Phil now with the pretense of checking for any of his possessions.

“You know what,” Phil looked up at Dan. Their eyes met and it was a slap in the face. Dan had to look away. Phil looked upset. He didn’t want Phil to look upset. He wanted to leave with a clean cut. This didn’t feel like a clean cut. “I wish you had told me about you going to Paris for six months.”

“I--” Dan didn’t really have an excuse. Or the energy to make one up. He’d fucked up. Tears were burning at the corners of his eyes and he just wanted to leave. It was so suffocating. Being around Phil when he knew he screwed up. Being around Phil when he’s sacrificing their relationship for his career. Being around Phil. Weren’t they in love?

Phil stood. Arms tentatively wrapped Dan’s waist and his heart was breaking all over again. Phil’s arms were still his arms. They were still warm and solid and real and around Dan. He couldn’t help his body when he threw his arms around Phil’s shoulders. It felt like they were colliding all over again.

“Fuck. I still love you.” The words were buried into Dan’s skin and the hairs curling at the nape of his neck. They scalded his skin. This didn’t change anything although it should have. In thirty minutes Dan would be leaving. There was nothing that could be stopped. But there was Phil lightly grasping Dan’s shirt hem like he could keep him in New York City. There was Dan skating his lips over Phil’s cheeks.

If Dan pulled away he knew he would see tears staining Phil’s t-shirt. He didn’t because Phil’s hands were glancing him as if remembering him for the last time. He used to feel delicate under Phil’s fingertips but now he just felt fragile.

The inevitability of Dan’s departure somehow made this worse.

Dan’s cab drove him out to the New Jersey airport. They exited with the same tunnel Dan had entered the city. It was still midday so none of the city lights were glowing. Instead the city looked dull against the water refracting the sunlight. Dan got a headache from the brightness.

The airport was less busy than his first time there. His bags were a little heavier. It all felt so similar to the three years when he had arrived before. Nothing much had changed.

The plane lifted off and Dan didn’t look out the window to see the city spanning underneath them. It hurt a little too much.

* * *

Paris was a dream. As in it didn’t feel fully real. Dan kept waking up, in the apartment the company had rented for him, in white bed sheets that weren’t Phil’s blue ones surrounded by pale yellow walls that didn’t feel like his. It wasn’t an unpleasant change. It just was a change.

Dan ran out of tourist stops he could go to by himself by the second month. Which was quite a feat considering there were so many and Dan had decidedly blinded himself with work. Once again he stayed at the headquarters until the custodians kicked him out. It was difficult to think about things he had left behind when he had so much to look forward to. At least that’s what Dan told himself.

His mother visited him twice. She raved about how nice the flat was and how adorable Dan’s favorite cafe was and how she loved the concepts for his designs he left laying around. He emailed Lana a few times to let her know how much he appreciated the aesthetics of Paris and the surrounding area he travelled on his days off.

Dan had missed being able to travel so far in a train ride. In America he never found the time or money to go to other states besides New York and New Jersey. The versatility was comforting. It was like he could run away at any moment and there wouldn’t be any consequences because he could just as easily return.

Everything felt like a distraction though. Paris seemed like something to occupy Dan’s thoughts, but push out others. 

* * *

There were too many people at the airport. Dan tried to smooth out his shirt as he waited for his bags to come around. The incessant clamor of people travelling and diverging and converging with each other drowned out Dan’s thoughts. He was back from Paris.

There was a limo at the exit to pick Dan up from the airport. It was a little embarrassing. It seemed a little extravagant for a fashion student like him. He had to remind himself he wasn’t even a fashion student anymore.

The last few months had been almost tunnel vision work for him. He hadn’t really had the time to comprehend the weight of creating an entire fashion line. He hadn’t really had to time to understand how the fashion house was the one to set the standard for fashion all year. Dan Howell’s name was going to be one of the most talked about after his fashion line debuted. He didn’t really want to think about it.

The company was kind enough to find an apartment for Dan. When they had asked where his new residence would be he stared blankly for a good minute because he realized he couldn’t go back to Phil. Phil, who probably had a completely new and different life than Dan. He didn’t want to admit it but he sort of thought he would have fixed things with Phil in the six month interim of his Paris stint. But Dan never called. Of course there had been some incriminating Facebook stalking for the first two and a half months but the pictures of Phil’s friends left something to be desired.

The limo passed the neon signs adorning the fast pulse of New York City. It stopped in front of a building not far from the streets with posters advertising fashion week. Dan was pretty sure there were some posters with his name on them but he wouldn’t ever check.

The apartment seemed expensive albeit empty. It was fully furnished and even had a few fake flowers propped up in shining vases. From white walls hung those kind of paintings with practically a streak of paint across them and not much else. The kitchen was spotless and silver but Dan was sure he would rarely use it. His bedroom was grey-walled and the bed had a plain white comforter on it. There was a black dresser leaning against a wall and a few windows overlooking the bustling streets. Dan wished there was a little more color. It didn’t feel like a home. All Dan had done to get it was sign some papers a secretary had placed in front of him. Seven months before he was struggling to find some money to help Phil with the rent and now he didn’t even need to check the price tag on this lavish place. It sort of took his breath away.

It was a week before the fashion line came out. Dan personally didn’t know how much each piece was selling for but he was pretty proud of it. A lot of it was more experimental with odd patterns to drape sheer fabrics and coarser materials. The designers that had been sent to critique him came away with strong compliments. The experience of making the line seemed surreal. He couldn’t understand how a major brand could even fathom hiring a twenty-one year old to produce one of their more important lines of the year. But Dan had done it.

There was a stainless steel coffee maker in the kitchen and Dan brewed a cup as he scrolled through his contact list to see if there was anyone worth ringing. Most of his friends were just starting their senior year and Dan was showing a fashion line in a week. He didn’t want to talk about fashion with any of them and he knew there would be exactly four people asking if he could get them into a Saint Laurent show or something. After scrolling, he stopped at a name.

“Is this _the_ Dan Howell? Prodigy of the Fashion Institute of Technology? Calling _my_ phone?”

“Hey, Carlie,” Dan laughed.

“What’s up with you?” Carlie’s warm voice crackled on the other end of the line. “It’s like you disappeared off the face of the earth when you went to Paris.”

“Just a lot of work. Made a fashion line and all.”

“Ugh. I don’t want to hear about your work. How boring.” Dan smiled because he could almost hear Carlie’s dramatic eyeroll.

“Okay. Can we, like, hang out or something?” Dan worried his bottom lip. “I mean, only if you want to. I just got back to New York and just got a new apartment and I don’t want to talk to any fashion students and you’re one of my closest friends even though I didn’t talk to you and--”

“Yeah, yeah. Text me your address, loser.”

Carlie swooped into the blank apartment with scarlet and violet and a bottle of alcohol within the hour. Dan winced at the combination of the colors she was wearing but didn’t say anything. Dan had opened the door and suddenly she was enveloping him in a hug, smelling like cardamom and herself.

They talked a few hours and somehow Carlie had convinced herself half way through the disgusting strawberry wine bottle that Dan had created a strong underground rave career in France. He laughed because he was pretty sure he didn’t even have any alcohol in the past six months. Maybe that’s why his tolerance was so low. And also why he was a giggling mess that didn’t think asking about Phil was a bad idea.

“M’pretty sure he’s up to the same stuff,” Carlie’s eyelids drooped. It was only ten but her extremely accurate body clock knew she wanted to sleep. “Aren’t you guys still dating though?”

“Um. No.”

“Really?! I thought you two would be together forever.”

Dan’s chest felt a little tight. “No. I sort of didn’t tell him… That I was going to Paris for six months. Until like a week before.”

“You bitch!” Carlie almost yelled. “That was a shit move on your part.”

“It really was. Still sort of love him though.” Dan hiccuped. He was pretty drunk.

“Yeah… Want his new number?” Carlie twirled her hair absentmindedly.

Dan choked into the plastic cup he was drinking from. “He got a new number?”

“Yeah? People do that all the time.”

“I mean if it’s not a problem…”

“Y’all deserve to be together. Haven’t seen much of Phil the past few months but I know he probably still loves you or something sappy like that.” Carlie shot a text to Dan’s phone then turned off her phone. She yawned and stretched her body out on the couch, placing her feet on Dan’s lap. He heard the heavier breaths of sleep overtaking Carlie and knew it was his cue to leave.

Dan had been staring at his phone too long. The wine bottle was empty next to him on his rumpled bed sheets. Ten numbers stared back at him.

The ringing twisted in Dan’s gut.

“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Who is this?”

Shit shit shit. It didn’t sound like Phil.

“Sorry I think I have the wrong number. Is Phil Lester there?”

A pause. “Yeah, this is his phone, he’s busy right now though. I’ll get him for you.”

Something was caught in Dan’s throat. “Oh.”

There was rustling on the other end and Dan could see someone in Phil’s bed. His bed. Not his bed. The green and blue duvet. Not his bed anymore. He felt sick and the wine didn’t feel like it was holding well. There was still movement on the other end. He hung up.

Shaky breaths joined Carlie’s calm snores in the air. 

* * *

Dan didn’t see any of his old friends except Carlie leading up to fashion week. Apparently, he was premiering the first day. Apparently, that was a big deal. It was September 5th and Dan thought how it had been almost six months. He didn’t really stay in Paris for six months. It was more like five. He wondered if the one less month would have mattered to Phil. His assistants--God, he had assistants--kept telling him he had to focus and if that model needed more body glitter. The model did.

Carlie was the extra seat in the front row that Dan saw from backstage. She was swimming in a sweater that was too thick for the first week of September and acid wash jeans. Dan caught her staring across the catwalk at the few celebrities paid to sit in the front. The fashion house had explained it to him but he couldn’t believe someone would be paid five digits to sit. He couldn’t believe someone would pay five digits for some of his designs which had been sketched in a worn down Moleskine.

Dan didn’t go online for a week after the fashion show. Very uncharacteristic and he couldn’t remember if his boss told him not to go online or if Carlie had taken his laptop or if he had vowed to avoid blogs. But he just didn’t. The first fashion blog he looked at said his fashion line was immaculate and full of motion and emotion or some shit like that. He wasn’t really paying attention. Carlie hugged him tight and then emailed him about twenty links to positive reviews.

His return to New York felt like coming home but in a hollow way. It wasn’t a spark of happiness in his chest. It was empty and lonely.

He was called into the New York City office three weeks after the line debuted. They set up a desk for him where they placed a good thirty or so requests for fittings. For red carpets. Dan didn’t believe it but he set up the appointments regardless.

“Are you working on your next line yet, Daniel?”

“I guess.”

“We can count on another success for next fashion week?”

“Sure.”

“We’ll discuss payment at a later time. A raise seems to be in order.” Dan didn’t need a raise. “We’re also going to be hiring an advertising agency this time. Our department failed miserably. I’m surprised your line got the coverage it did with the nonexistent ads.”

“Okay. Sounds good.” There was a good thirty second silence. “Should I go?”

“Oh. One more thing. I mean this is sort of explanatory but since we need the advertising to be good, you’ll be working closely with the consultants.”

“That’s fine.”

“There’s a meeting with them in a week. Maybe have some concepts for them by then? Nothing solid but fashion week is only six months away.”

“I’m staying in New York, right?”

“Yes. Only new hires really go to Paris so the bosses can keep a closer eye on you. You’re in the clear now so go wild.”

“I’ll have the concepts by next week.”

“See you then, Daniel.”

Dan was a little embarrassed when he showed up to the meeting with a board of paint swatches he had found at a DIY store. He had cut and pasted the colors he had liked next to each other and it sort of looked like an ocean. There were yellows and greens and blues all blending together. A bit of a mess but he didn’t need to have the full line at the moment. Of course he had concepts for the silhouettes of the garments but he sort of hoped the advertising agency didn’t need that. What was the point? He was just showing them what the theme was going to be.

His boss had left him in the conference room alone. Dan bounced his pen against the long table. It was one of the corners of the building so he had a full view of the street and other buildings below. The sky was bright and reflected off the white walls. Dan was pretty sure the walls weren’t actually walls but just large sheets of glass or acrylic or something. He wasn’t going to test it because he was pretty sure he would break the walls. The ceiling was extremely tall. He leant back on his chair to stare up at it. It had been a good ten minutes and his boss still hadn’t come back. He placed his feet on the table to push a little more on the chair to get a better vantage point. If he leant back far enough he could see the street upside down. Dan stretched his body a bit more. The chair tipped before Dan realized what was happening. Suddenly his ass was on the floor and he was flushed from the shock and mortification. He heard heels clicking on hardwood floors and scrambled to get back into the chair. God he had the worst timing.

“--and of course you’ll be working very closely with our head designer for this line.” Dan’s boss opened the door for the two people following her.

Dan was still fixing his hair from the fall. He fidgeted with the swatches on the board, still humiliated by crashing down with his chair although no one saw.

He perked up when his manager said his name. Introductions, he guessed. “Dan Howell, this is your right hand man for advertising your line, Phil Lester.”

The world froze and Dan almost fell out of his chair again. He looked up and saw Phil in a sharp green button down and a perplexed face.

“So why don’t us managers have a one-on-one about cost and the big picture. Mr. Lester and Mr. Howell, we’ll leave you to your creative collaboration.” The heels clicked out of the room.

Dan snapped his head down to stare at the swatches. He was pretty sure Phil had taken a seat across from him but he didn’t want to look at him.

“You look different.” Phil was the one to break the silence.

Dan met his eyes. “You’re shirt makes your eyes super green.” God, Dan was stupid.

“Still wearing black I see. I guess--”

“Can we not?” Dan wanted to bite his words back but they were already heavy in the air.

“Not what?” Phil kept looking at Dan’s eyes and Dan’s eyes kept shifting from his shirt hem and the blue swatches.

“We can be professional about this right?” Dan mumbled to the yellow swatches. He noticed how some of them were almost grey.

Phil watched Dan’s face. “Of course. Why wouldn’t we be?”

Dan wanted to punch Phil in the face. Why wouldn’t they be professional?! Maybe because Dan was 94% certain he was still in love with Phil. But he swallowed his thoughts. “Yeah. Of course.”

Dan pushed the board across the table towards Phil and turned his chair to look out the window. There was a dollar pizza place adjacent to the building and Dan wondered if he would ever try that place out. The uncomfortable feeling of knowing someone too well was the third guest in the room. Did Phil take the job because he knew it was Dan’s line? Was this a valiant effort to win Dan back with a huge romantic gesture? He shook his head but couldn’t get the idea out of it. A few customers left the pizza shop. Dan heard shifting behind him and he was glad Phil was at least pretending to interpret what Dan had put together.

“Oh, Dan.” He was being dramatic but his name in Phil’s mouth felt sad. “I changed my number. We’ll be working together closely so I can make the ads really good. So you need my number.” Oh right. “I’ll just text you so you have it.” Oh right.

Dan’s ears burned. He had already called Phil before. Caller ID. Fuck. Phil knew Dan had his number. This was so embarrassing.

“Why did you take this job?” Dan’s voice had more control than he actually had. Dan spun around to face him.

“Well,” Phil smiled when Dan met his eyes, “Didn’t really have a choice, if I’m honest. A job is a job and the director wanted someone good for this big client and I was that person. Didn’t know it was for your line until today.”

“O-Okay.” Dan’s cheeks were tinted a less than soft pink. So Phil hadn’t requested it or anything. This was just a coincidence. Phil had moved on. This was just a job.

“So would you just like to leave this paint swatch board a mystery or…?” Phil grinned. His smile still sort of took Dan’s breath away.

“Uh. Yeah.”

The next few months were not as awkward as Dan had expected. The fashion house didn’t expect Dan to have a full mock up of his line until December so he rarely had to go into work. He just sat in the spacious apartment, that he didn’t even know how much cost him, and ordered his groceries and kept the curtains open to the autumn and then the winter. There was a thin dent in the white couch that was a little too stiff for Dan’s liking where he curled up. It was next to a small table with a fake cactus and the worn notebook Phil had given him.

Phil texted him a few times just to check up on his work. The clear route Dan was taking was an ocean theme. Dan’s manager was annoyed at the idea because that was such a common one for summer lines and this was supposed to be winter. But Dan wanted to capture the ocean during winter. It was different. Colder and deeper and different. Dan being the visionary and all, she let it slide.

Dan handed in his sketches to his boss on the second week of December. Apparently Dan had graduated to the status of not having to make the garments and only touch them up when they were made. So he didn’t have much to do for the next few weeks until the base garments were finished. His manager said he should talk to Phil. The advertisements would have to start being conceived and pasted on billboards in three weeks.

Dan didn’t know what drove him to meet Phil on a beach at the start of January. It seemed like a good idea in his heated apartment on the stiff white couch. But now he was standing frozen with the wind whipping his hair in every direction. Now it just seemed like a stupidly pretentious idea. His pea coat, which he was pretty sure he paid over $200 for, wasn’t enough protection against nature. The sand was packed tight under his designer shoes but it was still sifting its way into his soles. It was cloudy and he was scared his wild hair would be tamed by a sheet of rain if he waited much longer. He wrapped his arms around his body and jogged in a circle. Why was Phil late? Wasn’t Dan the one that was always late?

Dan risked frostbite--okay, he was just being dramatic again--by taking one of his gloves off to text Phil a few profanities right before he heard a shout over the wind. Phil strolled over in a silver parka, unperturbed by the shocking cold.

“You’re late, Captain Space Coat,” Dan frowned at Phil, a sniffle tacked on the end making Phil giggle. The ocean crashed loud and bright.

“Sorry. Traffic was hell,” Phil shrugged. He kicked some sand. “Also. My jacket is amazing thank you very much.”

“It is a cool jacket. You look cool.” Dan’s cheeks were already ruddy with the ocean air so it didn’t really matter what he said. The space between them was filled with gusts of wind and the steady sound of waves.

Phil looked up at Dan and smiled. “Why a beach?”

“Well, you know how the concept for my line is the ocean during the winter?” Dan’s voiced cracked like his lips. “Yeah. We’re at the ocean in the winter. I wanted you to get an idea of what i meant. And it was a horrible idea. I might die of hypothermia.”

“You’re cold? I’m toasty.” Dan glared at Phil once he realized he was joking. “I have some hand warmers. Like those cool sciencey chemical packs you can crack and they get warm? You can have some of mine.”

Dan’s hands shook as he took the packets from Phil. “Thanks.”

Phil watched Dan’s breath fluctuate in cloud whispers. “The ocean is pretty and all but I think we should get you somewhere a bit better for your health. Namely, this Starbucks I passed as I got here.”

“You’re a Starbucks fiend and it’s offensive. Why don’t you support small cafes? Remember that one we went to the first…” Dan trailed off, not really knowing where he was going with that. This playful banter seemed only to slip in because Dan was freezing his tits off. Familiarity seeped into Dan’s voice and he closed it. Usually their conversations were no more than five-syllable affairs. “Yeah. We can just go there.”

Phil spared him the quizzical look.

They started meeting up at different Starbucks to discuss the fashion line. There was a multitude of them to choose from considering it seemed like the corporate giant had at least two locations on every block. Dan started memorizing Phil again.

His hair was shorter and sunshine made him almost transparent. He let his stubble grow a little more now and he had a new pair of white Vans. He also always ordered the same thing as Dan at Starbucks. Not that Dan would ever admit to knowing any of this.

Carlie complained when Dan said he couldn’t hang out with her most days. When she found out it was because Dan kept scheduling Starbucks meetings--she argued dates--she shut up. Dan didn’t know what to make of working with Phil. They just met up at Starbucks and talked for hours like they used to. They avoided the topic of Dan leaving Phil for Paris completely. They avoided all topics of having relationships. Dan was pretty sure Phil had someone but he didn’t actually know. Working with Phil didn’t really feel like working.

“So I’m sending in my final designs for the billboards tomorrow.”

“Oh really?” Dan feigned neutrality. Didn’t that mean they were to stop working with each other? Would Phil even want to be friends with Dan after this job was over? Were they even friends? He traced the side of the paper coffee cup that had lost it’s heat two hours ago.

“Yeah,” Phil smiled. He pulled out his laptop from his backpack. Dan had laughed when he first saw Phil carried around backpacks all the time now. Phil had sniffed and said Dan was ignorant to the joy of carrying around everything needed at a moment’s notice. Dan ended up bringing a backpack a few weeks later. He smiled inwardly. “So here are some of the designs. You’ve seen them before, of course. Just want to make sure you’re one hundred percent behind them.”

“Yeah, of course I am, Phil. You’re absolutely brilliant about this stuff. I can’t believe these are actually for my own line,” Dan blushed, trying to curb his enthusiasm.

“Okay, great. My boss is all good with them as well so… I guess this is it.” The words pasted themselves on the walls and Dan didn’t like it. The window was foggy and Dan had drawn a frowny face in it when they had first sat down. Phil drew a smile next to it. “I think we should celebrate.”

Dan started and then felt a little hope tug in his chest. “How?”

“I don’t know. I’ll figure something out.”

Apparently figuring something out was booking a table at one of the tourist trap restaurants in Times Square. Phil sounded genuinely excited when he’d called, so Dan just went with it. Then they were standing at the front entrance to a restaurant based off of Forrest Gump and the garish lighting and Dan was having second thoughts.

“Phil, you’ve been living in this city for how long? Why are we here?” Dan gripped Phil’s wrist. He quickly let go. “Why don’t we go somewhere nicer?”

“Stop being a whiny baby, Dan,” Phil rolled his eyes, smiling and tapping Dan’s knuckles. “You’re so refined now with your five star restaurants, Mr. Fashion Designer.” Dan shoved him with his shoulder. Phil grinned and shook his head. “You’ll survive one more tourist attraction. Also who was the one that had dragged us to Madame Tussauds when we first met?”

Dan cringed at the memory. “I was eighteen and new to New York. Cut me some slack.”

“No can do.”

Finally someone came around to take them to their table. Phil was almost mesmerised by the sheer amount of Forrest Gump references cluttering the wall. He kept stopping and pulling Dan over to small signs and looking at him, expecting Dan to be impressed and he was but he wouldn’t actually say that. By the third tangent Phil had taken on the way to their table, Dan had half a mind to manhandle Phil just to get to their seats.

“So why this place? Not exactly a nice marketing celebration for two is it?” Dan said a few minutes later with a fruity cocktail sitting in between them.

Phil grabbed the drink and took a sip. “I like the drinks. Very coconutty.”

“Nerd. Gimme a sip.” The drink was pushed back to Dan and he pretended he wasn’t thinking about the implications of sharing a drink with a friend. That’s what Phil was, right? They worked together. Spent a few weeks together making jokes in Starbucks. Pretended they hadn’t been in love. Phil was more than a friend but Dan didn’t know how much more. He didn’t want to over shoot.

By the end of the night, Dan was pretty sure Phil was thirty percent coconut. Not only had they ordered at least five more shared coconut-related drinks, but Phil had also managed to order some coconut shrimp and some sort of desert Dan was certain contained coconut somewhere.

“You’re love for themed restaurants and coconut-flavored food will continue to astound me,” Dan laughed, leaning across the table to wipe a few crumbs from Phil’s cheek. Maybe the five drinks had made him a bit tipsy, he couldn’t tell.

“Coconut-flavored food is, like, one of the only reasons to exist!” Phil exclaimed, a little too loudly for the proximity of the surrounding tables. Dan giggled. When the check came, Phil grabbed it before Dan could blink. The lighting felt a little hot on Dan’s skin.

Somehow Phil had convinced Dan to let him drop him off at his apartment. Phil whistled as they got into the elevator. “This place is swanky.”

Dan blushed at stared at the ground. “Yeah… the company found it for me. I forgot I had to find a place to stay once back home.”

“Well, it’s very nice,” Phil coughed. An awkward silence fell into the space between them. That had never happened before. It was new but not in a bad way. It was like they were learning each other again.

“Are you still at the--I mean _your_ apartment?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Someone taken my place?” The question was meant to be a joke but it came out heavier and weighed both their shoulders down. It tasted metallic in Dan’s mouth.

“No. I’m not in a relationship,” Phil looked at Dan and Dan looked at the floor.

“Well that’s, um, good to know.”

“Is it now?” Phil smirked.

“I mean…” Dan trailed off. The elevator door opened. Dan stepped a little too quickly out of it and beelined toward his door. “This is my stop.”

Phil followed behind him, flicking a bit of hair out of his eyes. Dan almost fainted at the sight. Was he really still so in love with Phil that a hair flick could affect him? He shook his head and fumbled with his keys.

“Tonight was really great.” Dan knew the smile in Phil’s voice and his chest tightened.

“It really was.”

Dan stood with his back to the door. The hallway wasn’t very lit, only a vague white glow from a lone light bulb. The rest of the lights had been turned off. It was late. The shadows were cast warmly around Phil’s cheekbones and the slope of his nose and the line of his jaw. Being with Phil didn’t feel like they had spent six months apart.

Phil’s eyes moved from Dan’s shoulders to his jaw and somewhere Dan didn’t want to contemplate too long. A ghost of happiness passed his face and he suddenly pulled Dan into a hug. Dan could smell the rum and the aftershave Phil used and that cologne Dan liked on him. The refreshing weight of Phil’s arms over Dan’s shoulders felt like a sigh of relief and a gasp of cold air. Dan didn’t remember when his hands clasped around Phil’s waist but they were there and he could feel Phil’s stubble shifting against his neck. He could probably kiss him right now. He probably should. It was all so much. And then nothing at all.

Phil pulled away, swinging his arms. “See you soon, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Dan’s voice was softer than the light.

Phil pulled Dan in for a half-hug, not like the one they had just had but a simple, and maybe, more meaningful one. He pulled back and brushed Dan’s shoulders. It was awkward but in a very sweet way. Dan wanted to giggle. He felt like he was in primary school and talking with his crush. The moment tasted like oranges and hesitation and matching heartbeats.

“I know we aren’t technically working together anymore but I would love it if we could still have lunch together sometimes,” Phil said quickly. Dan’s heart lightened.

“Of course,” Dan’s hand moved to touch Phil’s arm but he thought better of it and his arm fell to his side. “And of course I’ll want you at the fashion show. You’d be cool with that, right?”

“Can’t wait.”

“Okay. Bye then.”

“Bye, Dan.”

* * *

Fashion week came faster than expected. Approving the final touches to every garment was very tedious. Suddenly thirty outfits seemed inapposite and Dan just wanted to sleep but he was so proud he could forego a few hours. Everything seemed to be coming together incredibly nicely. The fabric draped beautifully, moving like waves.

He still met up with Phil for lunch. It was grounding to have someone that hadn’t a clue about the fashion world as a constant. Their colleagueship resorted to friendship which resorted to a grey space of brushing each other’s hair out of the other’s eyes and accidentally calling lunch a date.

The line was debuting. Dan couldn’t breathe. Everyone was flurrying around him and asking him if everything was okay and if he needed a coffee and generally just stressing him out. He was on the verge of a mental breakdown. He hadn’t even dressed nicely for the event; all he had was tight black slacks and a white button down with ribbing on the sides. He knew everything would go off without a hitch but an assistant worried loudly over the few fussy high-in-demand models the company had hired for publicity and he had been handed at least seven coffee cups and everything was flustered and what if the line didn’t get reviewed well and--

_To Phil (10:53): can you come round the back_

_To Phil (10:53): i feel like i might be dying_

_From Phil (10:54): omw_

A dress had slightly torn and a heel had been broken by the time Phil sat next to Dan.

“Sorry for being a little late. Security almost didn’t let me through.”

“Sorry about that,” Dan gazed out into the busy room. Models were fluttering past. The whole room seemed like it was moving frantically. It almost felt like the winter ocean was crashing through the room. Dan snapped out of his thoughts when Phil took his hand.

“Hey. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

“Alright.”

They sat in the rambunctious room yet in a pleasant quiet. Phil hadn’t let go of Dan’s hand. It was something to focus on rather than the anxiety construction site in Dan’s chest.

Phil. Phil who he was pretty sure he had fallen in love with upon meeting. Phil who had taken him out on countless friend dates. Phil who had been bright open windows in the summer. Phil who could drag his fingers down Dan’s arm and always spark goosebumps. Phil who shared take out with him when Dan technically didn’t live with him. Phil who had introduced him to fried oreos and how good ocean air could feel. Phil who had kaleidoscope eyes. Blue and green and yellow.

The show came upon them within a few hours. Their occasional conversations were interrupted by a frazzled assistant letting Dan know he should be getting ready to introduce the show. The hand rubbing Dan’s back retracted and Phil smiled at him. “See you after the show, Mr. Fashion Designer.” Dan smiled.

It was crowded, to say the least.

Models were getting in line, assistants rushing around, Dan’s colleagues nodding at him. He was proud. Dan had worked so hard on this line and now it was finally ready to show the world. He noticed the stitching on one of the pairs of trousers and the flow of a skirt and cuff of a sleeve. His chest bloomed with the thought that _he_ had accomplished all this. Dan had completed two fashion lines within a year, graduated fashion school in three, and created a life around his passion. The feeling washed over Dan as he adjusted his sleeves and stepped out onto the runway to announce the line, cameras flashing.

Dan watched the show from the wings. He spotted Phil sitting next to Carlie in the front row and grinned. The show passed much quicker than Dan imagined and suddenly he was whisked to the back room where his colleagues were popping champagne and slapping Dan on the back. Everyone was so happy and Dan had helped make this happen. Pride flowed warmly through his bloodstream and he smiled so widely his chapped lips cracked. But he really wanted to see someone.

_To Phil (15:35): where are you?_

“Hey.”

“Hey!” Dan tackled Phil with a hug. He pulled back, arms still resting around Phil’s waist, noticing the abnormally large bouquet Phil had behind his back.

“Congratulations, Dan,” Phil smiled. He tugged out of Dan’s arms and presented Dan with the flowers. Blue and green and yellow. “That was so amazing. My non-fashion-inclined self had his socks knocked clean off.”

“You nerd,” Dan glowed. The flower arrangement Phil had bought for Dan seemed a little to extravagant and loud and bright and very Phil. People milled around them carrying flutes of champagne. “I love the flowers. So much.” _I love you._

“I’m glad you like them.” Phil’s voice was almost painfully happy. He maneuvered around the huge bouquet and leaned in to kiss Dan’s cheek. The kiss brought roses to Dan’s face.

_Oh, fuck it._

Dan clasped Phil’s cheek as he kissed him full on. The flowers crushed between them. Phil was just as Dan remembered him, everything all at once. He drowned out the cheers Dan knew were happening around them. He didn’t care. 

An ocean shattered in Dan’s chest as he kissed Phil harder.

When they finally took the time to breathe, Phil laughed softly. “So much for the flowers.”

“I still love them too much.”

“Do you want to go on a date?”

Dan laughed against Phil’s shoulder. He smelled like spearmint and Phil.

“Yes. Of course. A million times, yes.”

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> hi i hope you liked it and you feel things. thanks for sticking with me through 50k


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